I don't know if you guys know my story, it's long and convaluted, so here's a quick stats.<P>~ H and I have no children<BR>~ H had two A's 10 years ago during 13 mos seperation<BR>~ 2 OW, 2 OCs (one EA/PA and one PA (one night stand)<BR>~ OCs are 11 mos apart in age, both boys<BR>~ During 9+ year recover H and I paid child support<BR>~ Due to the abusive nature of OWs, and by H's choice, no participation in OCs lives in their early years<BR>~ A revisted with OW #2, driven by H's guilt (PA one night stand woman)<BR>~ We started participating in OCs lives in 1998<BR>~ H is now with OW #2 and OC #2<BR>~ H and I seperated 1+ year now<BR>~ As of June 13th, H and I are D, H filed<P>My questions ...<P>First ... is there anyone else on this board with a similar situation. I know it's severe due to 2 OW and 2 OCs. But basically I'd like to know if anyone has had their WS leave them to be with the OW (A revisited) after the child became older and the guilt started to weigh on the WS. Did your WS and OW blame YOU for the non-participation in the OCs lives? Did their relationship last? Is your WS happy? Please share your story with me.<P>Thanks and prayers,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 20, 2001).]

Resilient, I'm not in your boat but what a heartbreaking case, what a message for contact families to BE CAREFUL... OMG. I'm so sorry for the pain you must feel, to be betrayed again after accepting all that in your marriage. I hope you find some solace here...<P>Prayers,<BR>J (in recovery 3yrs)

Thank you, Jenny.<P>I have had a REALLY hard time with this. It was like a nightmare come true when OW and H started their A again. I ended up being the bad guy all the way around because my H and OW blamed me for so many things, guess they had to shift the blame to me in order for them to be together.<P>I do have one saving grace, OC #1. I get to see him and take him for week-ends. His family and his Mom really like me and allow me to continue to be his step-mom. <P>I just was hoping there was someone here that had a similar circumstance where H revisited the A where an OC was conceived.<P>Blessings,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 20, 2001).]

Dear Resileint<BR>I am not in your situation. But I do want to offer you prayers and support. MY goodness, that is like my worst nightmare and you are living it. But I think you are right about their displaced guilt. Do I have it right? The ow he is now with was the one night stand? How did that happen? You would think it would be the one he was in EA with. Sounds like you are a wonderful person to still have contact with other oc. My heart goes out to you. Please take care.<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>broken_wings

WOW Resilient, that's incredible! I'm so impressed with your relationship with OC#1. Your H must be insane to take off with OW#2! GRRRRR! And I agree with what you said, that in cases where the cheating spouse and OP are together, they blame the noncheating spouse to protect themselves from what ought to be feelings of guilt and shame. Do you and H have any children together? <P>May you have oooodles of blessings in your future. You deserve them!<BR>J

Yes, Broken Wing, the OW my H is with was the one night stand woman.<P>When my H and I seperated 9+ years ago, he left me for an OW, during our seperation he cheated on that OW with another OW (one night stand woman). She got pregrnant and the rumor was she was tying to get pregnant deliberatley to further her Welfare, she already had 3 other children, and the youngest was about to turn 5, Welfare then requires she go to work. <P>When my H and I reconciled, I only knew of the first OC. I learned of the second OC (who is the OC from the OW H initally left me for) one year into reconciliation. My H knew and kept it a secret. That OW also got pregnant deliberatley in revenge of the OOW. They hated one another. <P>The revisited A that my H is now in was started aft my H started seeing the boys. The OW he is with had silicone implants years ago and they leaked (two of her pregnancies were affected, OC is one of those affected). So OW has several things wrong with her. OW used the illness, her son and guilt to play on my H's heart strings .. and it worked like a charm. Mostly the guilt. During the revisited A while he was still home OW paged him relentlessly, and unbeknownst to both of them, I knew the PIN. We're talking a minimum of 14 pages a night for 11 mos. So I know from where I speak when I say she used GUILT. She would say how he spent the last 8 years with me and should have been with THEM. That I was a selfish b*tch for not letting my H see the OC (BTW: this is how I know my H took no responsibility for HIS decision to not see them and he used me as the excuse). That he had given me a chance to make him happy and I failed and now it's time for him to make things right for her and her son. How she struggled alone for those years being sick and raising her son alone and he should have been there for her. It goes on and on and on. I have 5 tapes full of her guilt manipulation. It's amazing to me to listen to it now because it's so transparent what she was doing. <P>Ohhh shoot ... I have to be somewhere in a few .. but I will post more later.<P>Jo<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 21, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 21, 2001).]

Resilient, what an incredible story. I am so sorry for your pain. After your H gained your trust and love back, H hurt you again. Unbelievable!<P>Your testimony only confirms that NO contact, at all, with OW is best. If you do have visitation, have someone, other than H make all arrangements. Always be with H at all times, if H has to have physical contact with OW, [in court, taking OC back home, etc.].<P>I really think we have to affair-proof our marraiges with former OW's with OC's.<P>Risilient, thank-you for sharing your story with us.<P>ember

Dear Resillient,<BR>Hi there, I am certain that many hugs and many hearts go out to you--mine included! I'm not in your situation, but I raised my OC alone for many years until I got married, and I have to agree with ember that NO contact with OW is the BEST contact!<P>God took care of us and also restored the MM with his wife--which might not have happened (fully) with me in the picture as OW? Who knows? Looking back tho, everything that happened was all for the best. OC is grown and a productive member of society. He will make an excellent husband for someone out there, this I KNOW!<P>I'm so sorry to hear your painful story, but glad to know that you can offer encouragement to current wives who feel they have been "raped into stepparenting." <P>Have seen your posts out on GQII. Great to see you around here! Your input is needed!!! <3<3<3