Hi there<P>I am new here..have been at infidelity.com for a few months when someone directed me here..i have been obsessing over the possibility that the h has a oc..i have found various things that put up red flags and i need to know the sequence of yout h behavior when finding out she was pregnant..during the pregnacy and possible after or when the baby was born..i am looking for clues to support my theory..i supspected he was having an affair but never thought a child could be involved until he became very mysterious and i found links to babystuff from babycenter.com and storeruner.com..we have a three year old and she was not shopping for her..the stuff that was looked at was infant stuff and there was a wishlist..this was during christmas..i am sure many here would say..indeed he has an oc..i mean common why would he be looking at that stuff, and if you combind it with all the other stuff that went on you would say YES..YES.. YES,,..in november he was very emotionally unstable to december saying he did something very bad and had to pay for it..saying he cant beleive what he did..that he will go to his grave with it..that he wanted commit suicide..that the problems would start again if i for example saw her int he mall..to the baby stuff online numerous fights have been the result of those statement but he refuse to confess to anything includig the affair..he seems to be stableizing now becasue it has been months of i am sure relaxing becasue it is covered good now...if i could just find a way i could know for sure..i am positive they are doing this out of court through a lawyer due the fact that in the last months h has been paying the lawyer who happens to be a freind money..also he has been contacting yet another freind monitoring his credit..we have businesses and i think that he is doing this through the business..c/c are not showing up on the credit report which tells me that i imagine there is a slew of hidden stuff through the business..if i could get any indo by the tax id numebr i will..i am sick..very sick..have nightmares of him sending letters to lawters or insurace saying he has 4 kids..explaning that three were the result of being unfaithful to me..(crazy messed up dreams)(had this nightmare lastnight)..noticed i had a gray hair yesterday(I am thirty five and have a sister ten years older than me that doesnt have a gray hair on her head) h doesnt know that i am still obsessing on this..been 8 month since d-day and he has no clue i am searching for an oc..can anyone help me..can anyone tell me just where to go to get answers..there has to be a loop hole..there has to be a place to log this type of infomation so i can get some piece of mind..i dont know where else to go for answers..if i dont get any here i will become hopeless..there must be someone out there i can discuss this with in detail ..i will take any info given and follow any leads provided..i just need to get this snake before he gets me..i need help please..<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Incognitess (edited July 25, 2001).]

Glad to see you here...this is Sorting...I'm only on for a minute but wanted to welcome you and hopefully someone will be able tp lead you into how to get the info you need to put your mind at ease...God Bless and stay strong<BR>NGU

Sorting!!..so happy to see you here and i am truely thankful you sent me here for answers..i immediately came here when i got your mail so i have not had time ot mail you yet..my three year old is not letting me type and its very rough...I am also here to help anyone who i can assist and i hope to God i can find some answers aswell..im going nuts..ty so much for your kind explanation of your story..it helps me a lot..i have also found many here that have helped by reading thier story..the phrase i have read here "go to my grave with it" sets off a red flag in a way that alot of men say that in this situation but still will not tell the truth until the w finds out herself..i am so burned i need help..i am willing to even pay for the right leads..PI said you probably wont find out until someone tells you..maybe i should call another PI for help..if i cant find any leads then maybe i can look for things that they slip up on..there has to be something..the dream i had last night and the premature gray hair put me in full gear for some reason.God i hope i find something soon so..i will mail you later sorting ty :-)<P>YF eternally

Dear Incognitess,<P>Wow, it is rough having suspicions and then knowing he will not confirm. I think this probably goes back to "if you think it is, then it is" but for your sake I pray it is not. OK, this probably doesnt go along with MB principles, but have you snooped? I know that is probably a dumb question, bc that would probably be the first thing you would have done. But if not, then look. If there is a kid out there then you would think the evidence is probably right under your nose. No offense the the wonderful men out there, but when it comes to this stuff men just are not the samrtest creatures out there. Do you have anyone is mind if you think there was an affair? OR do you know for sure there was one? Just a few questions...<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>broken_wings

Incog,<BR>Welcome to the board! I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for you but I think your suspicions and dreams are very telling. During the A I had several dreams that my H had a girlfriend and I would even ask him if there was something I ought to know... he always Denied. If he had confessed sooner, the OC wouldn't have even happened. Too late now! <P>Anyway, my prayers and good wishes for your search. I would indeed check the businesses and maybe even a PI because most people who know won't tell you the truth and the cheater certainly isn't confessing. You will have to confront him with solid evidence I think. The pain is so hard and I hope your H doesn't have an OC but his comments aren't good.<P>Later,<BR>J, in recovery 3years

Ditto...find a PI who will do your legwork for you. You need to know one way or the other. I always say though, prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Good luck!

Yes i have snooped..rigth from the the first hairs were discoverd in his car on nov 30..first time i saw them was nov 15 but hought they were mine as i did not look closely then cleaned the car..this was all when i was looking for my sunglasses in between the seats,,i found a carload of disater after that to put it mildly..i will copy my story from infidelity .com as my recolection has faded over time to my current obsession the oc..the hairs were found after he changed the cell billing addy to the business and changed our phone number on nov 8..that should have been clues one and two but the hair were one when they actually were clue number three in that order..anyway..its a mess..it went from that to strange behavior..emotional upheaval on his part(i was in the dark)to the baby stuff..calling cards..more hair..visiting a site called localmom.com listening to country music prior to any of the suspicions..(posession of a shania twain tape)..not his style...i am thinking as i go hereinfolved with lawyer..with insurance..credit reports..c/c that dont show up on the individual credit report..god knows where the bil goes..continuously uninstalled aol on me(he was comunication with her using netscape im unknown to him that its the same until after..i think she found out about me after i put a very descriptive profile in..i listed my number and got a hang up call fom someone using a second line..turn ou the exchange is from near his work..but she shows a billing address a mile from here..was told you must pay extra for out of area exchanges..apparently he found these number in my closet but did tell me he found them until i looked for them..then had nothing to say about the person except people call wrong numbers you know..i said yes..but not usually on second lines unless its a computer and secondly they usually will answer one of thier lines after that..i got ahold of the first ime which she was using as a first due to it being busy all the time..anyway no one will pick up any of those lines to this day..one month..with no answering machine..i have a n address but saw nothing unusual..i will investigate this house further..what i do know is that the third line they have was activated in 93..the lines she called from wherer activated just this april..and they rent the house...anyway i am rambling as new folks usually do when they feel totally helpless..hopeless and at a lose of anything sain or ratinal to say anymore..but i will take any advicd i get here and i will never give up my quest until i am completely satisfied

I hope you dont feel me imposing by asking again, but i would love to hear from you ladies regarding how you found out about the A and the oc..i am desperate and would like to compare notes with all of you so you can help me out on what i can do next..please help me

Dear Incog...<P>Im afraid I am no help here..my H told me. But I did have the dreams that were mentioned above. It is in your gut. Do you have an idea of who this woman is?

Sadly I dont..only saw one woman, a rehead (h loves them)when i confronted the older woman at her house who disconnected the cell phone after i got the bill when he changed the billing adress..either she was a front to get someone a cell phone or she was involved in helping this younger woman..i hired a pi and went to her house, before h knew i was doing this she denied ever talking to him..after she had a rehearses speech ready for me after they talked..word for word from my h..i laughed..anyway..the baby stuff in comb with his behavior tells me something is wrong!

I had many clues, but every time my h would adamantly deny everything. I knew in my heart back in June before anything started. I kicked him out for his drug use and they got an apt together. I still didn't know. He hid it so well. I sound stupid and even told him that I was an idiot, but he said he would have given up his life before he ever let me know the truth. He was so ashamed of his actions and who he was with. He told me he was staying in his own place so he could get his crap together, get off drugs and come home a better person.<P>He slept with her very little. It is funny how people come out of the woodwork to tell you what they know after the fact, but they never want to be the ones to break the news.<P>Back to how I found out. I had found emails with out his name, but in his mailbox. He accidently left it up one day. The emails were quite detailed with instructions for what to do while she was in jail for dealing drugs. I freaked out and called him at his apt (he was moving back home). He said they were his friends email and the friend was using his address. I know, dumb story, but he was so sincere after a few hours I actually felt guilty for accusing him. Even though I dropped bugging him, I still had that intuition feeling. Well, one day after work, I do my usual snooping and within 2 minutes I found a letter she had written him from jail. He still tried to deny it, but 24 hours later he had to admit to it. She had even been calling my house collect from jail.<P>There is much more to the story, but maybe I will wait and publish a book. It would be quite a read and truth is stranger than fiction. Hopefully it has a happy ending though.<P>One thing - always follow your intuition. If you are wrong, no harm done. I have read over and over that not trusting the intuition is the biggest mistake us bs's make. If it is feasible, hire a PI. I wish I would have - big time!!!!

Samoyed, You mentioned your H drug use. How is that going? My H is borderling alcoholic and that has played a big role in our marital troubles.

Bonnie,<P>He has cut it down by 90%. He has not all the way stopped, but we are in counseling and he starts his own therapy soon. He is also ADHD and they have a pretty high rate of drug abuse. I am hoping that counseling and Wellbutrin will help him a bit more.<P>Actually, drugs was the main reason for the a. He had hid them from me for a long time and started getting in to trouble, which he mostly hid. The ow was one of his dealers and she would give him drugs if he showed her affection. Eventually, he started having sex with her and she gave him more drugs. He didn't like her to begin with, but he wanted drugs more than anything else. He was afraid if he told me the problems I would dump him and he would be stuck living the alternate life he created. I did kick him out for the drug use and financial improprieties, but all that happened was the ow started staying with him. He never would admit to anything and every time I asked him if he was with someone else, he would adamantly deny it. I didn't find until he had been back home for 2 months. Crazy!<P>The good thing now is he tells me the truth. If he has been using, he tells or he answers me truthfully when I ask him. <BR>That is definately somethig he would never have done before. He has totally changed and is working very hard on recovery and being a wonderful husband. He is doing excellent on both accounts and I have admired his strength. He has done things and dealt with things concerning his drug use, the a and all the other garbage with remarkable stamina. I have been proud. I sure am getting a much better husband out of this.