did your h make life as usual before you found out..for example did you still look for that new house that you were looking before the emotianl upheaval..or did he continue to talk about business as usual..or planning your future as you have always done before you found out he was hiding a child?..any feed back would be greatly appreciated

Dear Incognitess, <BR>I had been married 25 years before Dday, and yes life was going on as usual. Going to college functions for daughter, highschool sporting events, movies, vacations, the usual. His A had been going on for 5 years, and 2 oc out of this A. Was I nieve (sp), I guess so, but I also in the past 5 years questioned if there was an involvement with the ow in question, always answered with a definite no, so I believed him. It has been almost 4 months now since dday, and we are slowly trying to work this out. He has started visitation with the oldest oc, and unfortunately ow will be back to work in about 2 weeks after maternity leave, that will be a very trying time for all involved. But we are really trying very hard to work this out. <BR>Tina<BR>

Yes, yes, yes...<BR>He denied when I had my suspicions so I believed him. Then when things died down, WHAM!!! H says he was waiting to tell me until after the holidays. Problem was, OC was due in early Feb. So what...by the way I had an affair, and welcome to the birth? Whatever! Found out because OW left note on my car.

yes! My husband let me quit my job to stay home with our daughter`and planned our lives as usual. He was never going to tell me. It was a one night stand, and the kid was already two. He figured he wasn't the dad or she wasn't going to do anything about it. I found out because he was served with papers for paternity and child support.<P>babstr.

Ty..your info is indeed reinforcing my theory that i feel in my heart there is something out there hiding..my gut has never lied to me..all the info I found compared to what you guys found tells a chilling story of an oc..I have been hit with everything under the sun except the child..I dont think the human brain can concieve such a notion until you are actually told..i am envious that you know at least becasue the unknown is far worse with all the info i have..I dont think its fair..i am resentful and i am periodically on the very of tears because of this, like right now..why must I be lied to about this. so i cant feel guilty and suspicious and angry all at the same time..he is making me feel as though i am crazy becasue of the denials, but yet cant explain what i saw..If and when i find out I feel this will bit him in a [censored] becasue if only he would have come clean then i could heal..but due to the fact that he thinks this will blow over that i will never find out ..you know by his bahavior back in november i knew for a fact by the words he used that there was a pregnacy..then i thought as a month went by that maybe she had an abortion...until i saw the baby stuff and i just sank to my knees with grief..I am being treated so unfairly about this, as though i dont mean anything to anyone..i know everyone knows by the calls he had with his family back then..mother cussing him..father wont talk to him..freinds helping him..i fell like everyone knows but me! and no one is coming forth and dont belive they ever will..I do beleive that this place will be my haven becasue i think i will learn by the behaviors of other mm in this situation what exactly went on and why its being covered in this way with venom anger of denial..i will never give up after the dream last nightand i do think i will find my answers here..i would gladly take any info offered and ty again..you are so kind to me under this pressure as i feel like a broken record now

You have a private message! again!I can hear your pain and frusration at the fact that he just won't confess or explain the events that you have built suspicions on. My only advice there is to keep the lines of communication open so that if he becomes ready he can come to you but I KNOW that is harder said than done. <BR>And Yes...my H began his affair in 6/99 a month before we moved into a new house. I remember trying to "christen the house" with him and now see that he hid it so well. And we prepared the new house as if it were our dream house and a wonderful place to be...and it could have been. I'll tell you this, if we hadn't had the opportunity to move here, I definately would have moved from the house...it just reminded me of all the dreams we began that were shattered. For example, 2 months after he ended it and 7 months before d-day we hada day that was such a wonderful memory fro me. We were all sick with colds,and my H was making a chicken and homemade chicken soup for the week. We were playing games with the kids, watching movies and it felt so comforting, cozy and warm. I found out about the A and realized how close it was to when he was with her, and now it is cold b/c to me it was based on lies. He had also found out about the OC just days before that. I never saw a thing. I feel so stupid about that.<BR>BTW...vent vent vent These ladies here have (and are, my late nite therapists!) heard the same complaints from me for sooooo long and without a compaint! ( So when do I get the bill guys?) THEY ARE MY LIFELINE. I know that I couldn't have made it thru my pregnancy without them.My H ( and even I) couldn't understand my feelings toward being pregnant and my inability to prepare for my son and enjoy my pregnancy. But they did, and kept me afloat.<BR>So we are here to help, and if all you need is a shoulder, there are so many wonderful people here willing to offer thiers, myself included.<BR>Keep posting...<BR>NGU

Incog,<BR>My H continued ALL business as usual, future plans, etc. and had no intent to tell me until XOW told him of pregnancy at 6mo pregnant. He knew he couldn't hide the ch-support from me as our finances aren't THAT cushy! For two months he acted weird and eventually confessed. He waited as long as he dared as he assumed I take kids and leave forever. Maybe that is what your H fears too.<P>Best wishes again,<BR>J

Well my husband too kept life "normal". In fact the affair started just a few short months after I gave birth to our second child. I'm not sure if you are familiar with my story, but a short version is he had an affair with a daycare worker at new daughter's daycare. She became pregnant within the first two months of the affair. He saw her periodically for romps in our mini-van, once at our home and a couple of other times at her home (when her live in boyfriend wasn't home.) I didn't learn of the OC until it was 6mths. old. The day before D-day (which was my birthday party) he broke down crying sayin.... I can't do this anymore. My life is in shambles. I thought he was talking about our thin finances. The next morning.... I found out the truth of the Affair and OC. <P>My life seemed so normal for two reasons. One, I never thought to look for clues, I was consumed in being a working mom climbing the corporate ladder. And two because H lived a double life of popping in for sex. There was no dating (she admits), no flowers, only one phone call she made to the house and he promptly threatened to cut her off is she called him again there.<P>I picked up the phone that day while they were talking. I was going to make a call. I often wonder now why I didn't just listen or ask the person on the other end who they were. I guess that happens when you trust you H.<P>Anyway,.... I digress. H's that are living a seperate lives in their heads and hearts are able to seperate the two and carry on as normal.<P>I feel for the pain you are feeling in this situation. My question to you is.... is there anything in your behaviour that prevents H from coming clean? I have you mentioned what you'd do if there was a child? Maybe his fear of knowing what you'd do is preventing him from telling you. <P>Perhaps you best approach would be to "go on with life as normal" too. Keep the waters calm and be receptive to anything he's got inside. Once he's comfortable with opening up, maybe he'll do just that.<P>Just my two cents.<BR>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

We share a profound life altering experience that forever bonds us in a way no one else could ever feel or imagine..We never thougth in our wildest dreams that this could ever happen becasue i guess the human brian refuses to accept something like this as a way to protect us emotionally..I would love to go on as life as usual, that is one of my dreams, but from what i saw that can never happen..maybe he knows i would leave but he refuses to lose his daughter..this is my number one theory and he mentioned it back when he was going crazy..saying things about the court will give the child to the mother..this is when he was blowing off steam(we were not fighting or seperating or talking divorce at that time)..i immediately knew what was going on in the back of my head while he was talking but it didnt register until later on..anyway my h incriminated himself by his own words, so I think he should come clean with the rest of his story..I am sure he knows that I have figured it out by now with the things i ask him but he says he wont answer any more questions about this time of his life..to just forget it and move on..I dont know if i will ever be normal again..even talking about it i well up..its not fair..its not rigth..and i am sure God will make him pay for what he is doing to me <P>are you guys the same, will you ever be the same, is your relationship better or worse now?..my relationship is better with him, but i think he is spending time around as a family out of guilt from what he did as you mentioned not Giving up..what you described is so like what is going on here that i started to cry when i read your story..i suppose anything related to this can trigger tears..maybe i need to just have a good cry to release all the stress of this unknown..but i cant even do that becasue my three year old is always around me..i have never really had time to reflect on just what this is doing to me..i love it here and you guys are great people..<P>h just called to go look at a new house he found so i have to get my daughter ready to go see it..i just think this is all so weird but will take the advice i get here and by no choice of my own go through the motions until I get more evidence..i will be back on her tonight or tomorrow with my quest to never give up my need to know ..i will respond furthur to the post then when i have more time..I know God sent me here to help us through this awful time in all of our lives..bless you guys from the bottom of my heart..you have no idea what you mean to me now :-)<P>yf eternally

I haven't posted my story yet but I've been lurking for a while and yes my husband let me quit a job that I was almost making 6 figures at. And made me feel secure in our relationship although I had questioned him about having an afair. 10 days later was "d" day and the only reason I found out was because ow sister came to my house.

Dear Incognitess,<P>My husband kept everything as normal. In fact, we were in the middle of adopting three children from Eastern Europe when I discovered his affair (7 years) and his child. I had no idea, not a single clue. I thought this couldn't happen to me, that he had too much integrity for this. He had been in the Navy for 9 years and had never fallen despite very long separations. He only dated me; I was the only woman he had ever been with. His family is so traditional and so Catholic that I thought it made us immune to this. He is a man with a great faith in God. I thought being a godly person made you above all this. I guess affairs are traditional as well, huh? <P>He had been able to have his affair because he played pool two evenings a week, often it was on a team and he wasn't alone. I just thought that playing pool was how he blew off steam at the end of a hard day at work. He always came home from work, had dinner and then went out. I go to bed early and he is a night owl. They met in the bar. Once the affair began instead of being at the bar, he was with her (although he says he almost always met her at the bar, played a couple of games of pool and then went to her place so he wouldn't feel like he was lying--awful the convoluted things they will tell themselves).<P>Once we moved to the other side of the country they were able to continue their affair because he traveled so much and much of his travel took him back to where we used to live.<P>So, yes, we continued on with life. Moved cross country to be near family, bought a huge house, tried to adopt. I had no idea that <B>anything</B> was wrong. I never had any suspicions, never asked any questions. Sometimes I feel like a complete dope. His OW said I must be "stupid" for not knowing. He says that "No, Mrs. Job is a good-hearted woman and she trusts me. I am just a good liar." It makes me feel a little bit better, but not quite good enough. <P>MJ<P>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited July 27, 2001).]

Unsure<P>i am very amazed at the replies here on how many were very unsuspecting which leaves me with grief..when was d-day for you and when did you find out about the child..after that meetign with the ow sister how much info and lies where uncovered?<P>

Mrs Job<P>my heart goes out to you..each and every story i read makes me well up..he is buying me a new house, but i am still crying though he doesnt know..in a way i am lieing like him now, only my lieing is to cover the pain and to try to make life normal for my daughter..you know when this story broke in november he blamed whatever happened on the way in which his sister and i got along when she came from overseas..I may add that we are close now, But that was 4 years ago when this happned with her..i have been overseas since with my daughter and she and i get along great..But i stress that he blames the A on something that happned 4 years ago..There are no words to describe my suffering..right now i am still crying and trying to be happy for the new house for us and my daughter..whatever it is the damage is done..and the damage has also been done to me severely..he is trying so hard to take me back to where i was..i cant which is also making him suffer..the new house is being used as a peace offering i guess, used as a way to get back where we were..i dont forsee any miracles but i guess only God knows..i am so sad..from deep inside sad..my h is arab but very americanized..maybe not american enough...when he was going through his ordeal he arrogantly stated that he is allowed to have more than one wife..(now he states that he said things he never meant), but the laws here dont stop people from doing ****ty things in his religious setting..people protect each other becasue simply it not wrong to them..not recomended but also not a sin at all! this puts a twist on my horrific tale becasue i cant trust and he could have moved her away..all legit to everyone..Im in so much pain..I am praying daily and earnestly that she dies a tragic death..tell me more about your situation and why he did it if he has stated that to you?..i am trying to get more insite into this and how they are able to cover, or what to look for in the future??

how do i get private messages here?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Incognitess:<BR><B>Mrs Job<P>why he did it if he has stated that to you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am not sure what you are asking here? Are you asking why did he have an affair if he thinks that I am such a good person? I am not sure there is ever an adequate answer for why someone has an affair.<P>I have a favor to ask. Could you please use capitals, punctuation and paragraphs? I know that such shorthand is very appropriate in short emails or chatting, but it makes it very hard to follow what you are saying in long messages. It is just that I want to make sure I follow you and understand what you are saying, not that I am an English purist. No intention to offend here. Just I know that reading online people's compreshension falls by about 20% and if you don't include standard conventions it falls off even much more. <P>MJ<P>

Im sorry if my words were not clear, sometimes i write fast and i also jumble my thoughts..I guess what i emant to ask is how exactly did you find out and when you did what was his answer or reaction to your allegation?

He confessed, cried, and asked me not to leave.<P>This old link contains many of our D-day stories:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001485.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001485.html</A> <P>I think that while many of us have experienced the same pain, you are looking for patterns in our husbands' behavior that might just not exist. Some of us suspected, some didn't; some husbands acted guilty, others didn't. They are all different men with different backgrounds, different expectations of marriage and of their own behavior; some were unhappy in their marriages, others say that they were not. <P>I think your gut is telling you already that there is an OC. <P>Maybe you could try a couple of counseling sessions (by yourself) with the Harley's and they could guide you on what to do.<P>All the best,<BR>MJ<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited July 27, 2001).]

Incognitess, <BR> My h told me that he had cheated although he did fail to tell me the truth as to who it was (a co worker) and that she was pregnate. Even after I had ? him about it alot of times if it was her and if there could be a preg. I knew what he was telling me didnt make sense but after about 6 months I believed him. Bam I got a phone call from the girl he used to work with wanting to know if he wanted anything to do with his 2 week old son. <BR> Before he confessed he was really messed up acting depressed and just acting like he was always running from something. I can honestly say he was such an as* hole the only reason I keep hanging on was for our little girls sake. He even got to a point that he wasnt even being the great father to her that he had always been. I was ready to call it quits thats when he confessed some what. <BR> He has been a totaly diffrent person ever since but so am I. I dont put up with nothing like I used to I had to keep telling myself for some time (you get what you put up with ) I dont have to remind myself of that to often anymore it sure does feel better then being a door matt.<BR> I dont think I have welcomed you here yet So sorry for your pain. Just keep firing those ? and we will try to help. with love flowerseed

I just reread your question mine did act like everything was normal after the first confession. I'm thinking he was hoping I would never find out the truth. I honestly dont know how he could have been so stupid sense she got knocked up to trap him in the first place. Thinking he would just dump our family and run to be with her. I think she thought she had even a better chance when she had a boy little did she know all he ever wanted was his little girl that we have together. with love flowerseed

Sorry I'm so late in answering you Incognitess. My H acted normal but a little distant at first.(Sept 99). As time went on he began to push me away. I foolishly thought it was from a business deal gone bad. He had just finished a building for a sponge importer who refused to pay him the last 1/3 of the money he owed H. 31,000 dollars!<BR>I begged him to let me help him. He was mean at first then just stopped having relations w/me for around a 3 month span. Nothing I did would budge him.<P>Around Aug. last year he became loving again. He began hugging me goodbye in the morning. He began questioning why I stay with him when he had been so cruel. I always answered because I loved him and we can get through anything together. Around Sept. his morning and evening kisses and hugs would make him misty-eyed. That's when ow told him of pregnancy. He felt for sure his life w/me would be over. He didn't tell me until the middle of Nov.<P>I couldn't believe my ears. She and her H were our going out buddies! I confided in her our sexual problems much to her delight! When he added she was pregnant I went berserk!!!<P>He moved out on d-day. Came home in 3 1/2 weeks. I sent him out again in March as I felt he was only worried about seeing the oc instesd of our marriage.<BR>He moved back forcefully in early May. Told me to give it a try. He would do anything to keep our marriage. I wasn't about to do it but God led the way for us. A true new beginning happened for us. We did things as a couple and team. We are now like newlyweds.<BR>There is hope in every situation.<P>I hope I helped you.<P>I NEVER suspected a thing and was totally blown away when he confessed.<P>It took a lot of talking and counseling but we made it.<P>You can too.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....