Okay, one more step today. I asked him if we were still going to do something Saturday night, and he said that, with everything that was going on with us, he didn't ask for it off. I told him that was okay, that I would get a sitter and we would do whatever he wanted, no matter how late it was. He said that sounded good. So, I called my SIL and asked her to watch the baby for the night. My concern wth BF was that he would get cold feet and try to back out. Sure enough, 40 minutes later he called me to let me know that he had a big job on Saturday and didn't know how late he might be working. I told him it didn't matter how late. The baby was going to be gone for the night and we didn't have to go anywhere if he didn’t want to. He said he didn't want me to get my hopes up about going and doing something because he didn't know how tired he might be. I told him that it was okay. If he was tired, he could come over and sleep or watch TV...whatever. I told him that we had to go with whatever we had because there would never be a perfect time/moment. I told him that it was important that we spend time together, no matter how small or uneventful it was. I told him that sitting around watching TV was fine...at least we could be together. If he wanted to sleep, then we would do that. I asked him if that sounded good. He said yes. He said yes!! He sounded more confident than the last 2 times I asked him over. I think that he just needed reassurance that I'm not reading more into this than what it is. He has very little he can offer me right now and I told him that. I also said that we had to take what little we did have and work from there. I asked him if that was okay, and he said yes again. WOW! None of this "I don't know" or "I don't think I can". It was a yes, albeit a shaky one, but a yes nonetheless. Progress. It's going to be a long road. I feel so badly for him. He's going through a lot right now. This goes much deeper than he first let on. I was praying really hard that this would not go where it has gone. He has never dealt with the death of his daughter. He buried his feelings and withdrew from everyone. He did only what he had to in order to make it through each day. Now, all of that is coming back in very strong waves. He's feeling his losses all over again, and he is so overwhelmed. He doesn't want a constant reminder of what he could have had, but doesn't. He absolutely LOVES children, but right now he's feeling like he will never want another one. He doesn't want to take the chance on losing another child. He is trying to avoid dealing with his pain by burying it again and withdrawing. I really think he needs some counseling. There is only so much I can do because I am so directly involved. I don't even know how to approach him about maybe seeking professional help to assist him with sorting through all of what he's going through. I don't know if he's open to it. I know I am. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Any suggestions or words of experience?<BR>

OB1,<P>Sorry, I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know I was still praying for you and BF. I think it's great that he is willing to come over Sat to just spend time with you. I hope it goes well for you this weekend.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

OHBRATTI1<BR> Follow your heart and God will show you the way. I will be praying for you and bf. Love to Jonas also.<BR>Huggs,<BR>bw

Dear Ohbratti,<P>I had written to you before advocating counselling so I share your feelings completely. Why not suggest that you both go together?<P>If you recall, I felt that I have been in the same situation as your BF and that it took time and a lot of understanding from my H to get through it. Right now it probably feels to your BF like you have moved on with your life, you have a child of your own, and you have forgotten the pain and desperation of losing the child that you were to share with him.<P>It might help if you could let him know that there are many issues in the past that cause you regret as well -- and that Jonas is not and never could be a replacement for the child that you lost. But, you took another chance and it worked. You will be at his side when he feels strong enough to take that same chance, but first, perhaps you both need to deal with the feelings of loss that you failed to express over your own child and he definitely needs to deal with the feelings of loss about his daughter.<P>If you share the burden of the pain and loss, it makes it so much easier for the other person to open up and share. It might be easier for him if he thought that you also shared part of the problem.<P>I know it worked for me. When I was able to see that my H was in just as much pain because the children that he lost with me were special and very different from the children he had with his first wife or the OW, that was when I started to understand that there are so many different levels of love. No child replaces another child. Each one has their own level of love and commitment.<P>I hope some of this helps and I am also still praying that you both will get through this. You deserve happiness and I hope things will work out for you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

I think I’ve made a phenomenal mistake. He’s very angry with me right now. He’s asked that I leave him alone for awhile….indefinitely to be exact. I was/am so worried about what he’s going through in regard to the loss of his daughter that I talked to his brother and asked him to just be there for him and to keep an eye on him. Since he’s keeping me at a distance, I thought it was important that someone know what was going on with him. His brother is the closest one to him, so I gave him some basics about what BF and I talked about in regard to his daughter. I did this because I wanted to make sure that someone knew that was close to him so that he wouldn’t withdraw without anyone knowing why. Apparently his brother was equally concerned and tried to probe him last night. BF figured out what his brother was doing and asked him why. His brother tried to be evasive and BF got very angry, so his brother tried to explain our concern. BF got very angry and defensive and has now directed that anger towards me. I’m guessing that his brother told his wife, who told BF’s mother and everyone has expressed concern and has tried talking to BF. He said “You have everyone thinking I need to go see a psychiatrist. I will deal with this in MY own way!” He then told me that I could do whatever I wanted and tell whomever I wanted to deal with this on my end, but to stay away from his family and to leave him alone for an indefinite period of time. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never directed such anger towards me. He has never been so callous and hurtful with his words. If anything he was always very careful of what he said so as not to be hurtful. He wanted me to answer to him for talking to his brother. When I tried to explain why I talked to him and what my concerns were, he told me to quit pushing and just leave him alone. I feel like my hands are tied. He is a very determined person and tends to stick to his guns once he’s made a decision. He wants to do this on his own and I gave him an excuse to shut me out. At this point, I think that he was seeking any excuse to pull away and be justified.

Dear Ohbratti,<P>I think you are right..he was grasping for straws and you gave him one to grab. What you did, you did out of your love for him and he will realize that one day. His brother shouldnt have told everbody but you have no control over that. I dont think there is really anything to do now, but give him the space he needs. I am so sorry this turned out like this for you. You are a wonderful person and you deserve a break. Ill be praying for you.<BR>Love<BR>bw

OB1,<P>If your BF is just now grieving the loss of one child to SIDS and your miscarriage,then have patience. It will take awhile for this to be worked through. I would recommend not beating yourself up over telling his brother.<P>As has been mentioned you did this for the best of reasons.<P>Now, I would like to also say something else. I suspect your BF feels you are coming back to him and not pulling away because now the MM is out of your life and you are left with his child to raise, he is the fall back position. In short, you are only interested in BF because you need him.<P>If there is at least a bit of truth to this, then I would suggest that you do a couple things. Live well, and enjoy your life. I don't mean push him away, but make it clear you don't NEED him to live your life and raise your child. You WANT him in your life. Do you see what I am talking about?<P>I think you are dealing with two things: <P>1. The delayed grief that has been triggered by your situation.<P>2. The feeling that he is second choice and you are not pushing him away this time because you NEED him to help raise this child.<P>#1 will just simply take time. #2 may require that you review how you interact with BF and that you show him you don't NEED him, but you do WANT him.<P>Wish I could be of more help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I let him go. He is so caught up in his grief and anger and he doesn't want anyone around him. Being near me is just keeping everything fresh and alive in his mind. He's so angry that he's finding fault with everything I say and do and lashing out in ways I've never seen him behave. I told him that I never meant for him to hurt so much over this. He told me that I should have thought of that before I had Jonas. He said that I wouldn't give him his child, but I could give it to another man that never deserved it. He was blaming me for losing our child. I know it's his anger and pain talking, but his words are getting more and more hurtful. He is reliving something that was very painful for both of us and he's making me go through it all over again, only this time he's pointing fingers. As much as I care about him, I can't allow him to pull me down with him and drag this somewhere that we can never get back from. I let him know that when he's done walking this path alone, I will be here. I don't know what else to do except let go. I'm hoping that by eliminating the pressure of having to worry about our relationship, he will be able to focus more on getting himself better. He's a man of his word and he made promises to me that he was really struggling to keep. I know that is a good part of why he's so angry. He doesn't want to let me down, but at the same time he's not in any position to keep his promises to me...at least not right now.

Obrahtti1,<BR>I have followed this story and waited to see what would happen. You are right not to let him bring you down and at the same time are so hurt by all of this.<BR>Forgiveness must happen on his part. Until then there can be no future. If he's feeling love for you, letting go was the best thing to do now.<BR>He will realize he misses you sooner or later if it's in God's plan. Maybe then you two can start over.<P>Focus on Jonas for now. Keep up the prayers. So will I. I wish you the best of life. Just give it some time.<P>I think he'll come back as you have written how he loves you. He will have to work through his anger and hurt alone and then begin to heal and know you two can still have a wonderful life if he'd just open his heart to you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Obratti<P>Gem is a wise woman, is she not?<P>I read your latest post and I identified so much with your lover and his feelings because I feel much the same he does. However, being a woman, we tend to accept things easier than men, as a rule, so we forge ahead and go through the fire.<P>He does love you, I have no doubt, but the pain is too much for him right now. You were right to let him go...until he heals and comes back, if, like Gem said, it is God's will.<P>I will pray for his complete healing in God's love and that God comforts you and guides you through this sad time. You are brave and strong and loving, Obratti. You can fill your days with Jonas and keep him whole and steady in the meantime. When the issues are resolved, the door will be opened.<P>Love and prayers<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Ob1: I have also been through a little of what you've been through with a past boyfreind coming back in the picture. I loved this man for 5 years and it was very hard to get over him. It has now been 9 years since our break-up. He called and came over two weeks ago. After seeing my child he mentioned something in the lines of "why we never had a child together, and about the miscarraige we did go through." I could see it in his eyes that he was resenting the fact that I had a child by someone else. I don't know if that would be an issue for us if we ever got back together, but it was something I definately noticed. It may be something I don't want to get involved with because I love my little boy and if the BF is going to resent the fact that he is alive on this earth, I certainly don't need him. I just wanted to tell you that I going through the same kind of deal, and put my child first on the list of priorities. God will choose a mate for me, and if I listen to HIM I will know it's the right one.

Dear Ohbratti1,<P>I just want to add my prayers to those of the others who have posted. I am sorry that you have lost your BF for a second time and I pray that it is a temporary loss. It seemed that you two shared real love and sometimes that has a strength so powerful that you manage to find your way through such trials as the one you are experiencing now.<P>Perhaps with a little time and space, your BF can begin to see things more clearly. Meanwhile, continue to love Jonas and care for him, but more importantly, continue to love yourself. If your BF is not the one, then he is out there looking for you. It is just a matter of time ...<P>love,<BR>heavenly