I guess I am in the same situation as most of you. I just found out about 3 weeks ago that my H had a 2 night stand and now she is pregnant(due in March, Ithink). We are trying to get through this, but in reading alot of these posts(and I have read alot!) I almost feel like this is a lost cause. I really love my H and we have 3 children together(married 10 years), but I don't know if I can go through all of the pain and heartache that you are all going through. We are going to marriage counseling, and I would love to turn this horrible situation into something positive ( I am eternal optimist), but I just can't see how. How do I get through this pregnancy. She won't give us any info on what is going on, even if the due date is right and I feel like I have lost all control. How have you all coped with this? My H wants nothing to do with her and I don't know what will happen when the child is born.<P>Any advice is welcome!!<BR>Thanks

Dear Verysadandhurt,<BR>I feel for you. Ow in my case became preg. at this time last summer. I didn't find out until late Nov.as h kept it a secret from FEAR!!!<BR>How are you and H? Are you in counseling? Is he remorseful to the max? Do you still want him as your H? Leave ow out of things for now. No need for the added drama.<BR>Work on you and the marriage now.<BR>Read all of the Harley's principals. It is so very helpful.<P>I suspect you want things to work. It will take time. And a lot of emotions. A rollercoaster ride so to speak. So put on your seatbelt and get ready.<P>Pray,Pray,Pray!!!<BR>Prayers are all answered by our God in his own time. Do not get discouraged. Keep up the prayers.<BR>Bless you dear one. I am so sorry you have to join our private club. I am glad you found us. We will all help you. Stick around ok?<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

verysadandhurt,<BR> Please dont let whats going on here make you think that this causes more pain then you can deal with.Its been crazy around here lately because of our in house fruit loop that shows her retarded mind every now and again. <BR> If your h is willing to work on things as a team things can get so much better. Me and my h have a 100% better relationship since all this began. It just takes alot of time and action on h part to win your love back but when he does you will see its worth it. This place and these great people here have made it possible for me to make it and see that all my feelings are normal you can do it to. So sorry you have to be dealing with this nightmare but you have found a whole bunch of us that are also. with love flowerseed

Thanks for your support Gemini and Flowerseed.<P>My H and I are in counseling, but he travels frequently on business to area that OW is in(she is in another state). In fact, he will be going there really soon and that worries me so much. All of his reassurance means nothing to me, because I don't trust him anymore. He is very remorseful and is really trying to make things work. Yes I would like our marriage to work and to keep our family together. It's really hard not to think about her and this whole situation. It seems to encompass my whole thought process. I am afraid of taking things too quickly and getting hurt even more. I am really glad to have an avenue to vent all of this. Thanks for Listening!<P>

verysadandhurt, <BR> I know what you mean that would be hard. Mine just had to work in the same town ow lives in for a day and I felt the rotten feelings coming on. I think he sensed it and asked me to go with him. That really meant alot to me. Is there any way you can go with your h? with love flowerseed

vsah,<BR>Flowerseed made a great suggestion. Can you go along? I know you have young children but perhaps you can find a sitter.<BR>You are so new to this. I was a mess at 3 weeks! After 8 1/2 months we are headed toward a better life. It wasn't easy but it happens.<BR>Come here any time. Someone will answer you w/ great advice.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear VSaH,<P>I am so sorry that you are also in this situation. H and I are 10 months past D-day and honestly, things do improve.<P>Most of us have found that it takes the wayward spouse (WS) longer to come around than any of us would have thought. I hoped/believed that my H would automatically start trying to fix our marriage but instead it took him 6 months to start to come around. He was so lost in his own guilt and depression that he wasn't capable of particpating in recovery for a long time.<P>Please read all the material on this board by the Harleys. It works.<P>Shalom,<BR>Mrs. Job

Flowerseed,<P>My H will be gone for about 3 weeks making very hard to go with him. He offered to get a cell phone so I can call him anytime that I want, but I just thought that he could tell me that he is whereever he wants to be. This was a 2 night stand but I still am very worried that he will contact her without me being present. I asked him to get a pager, so she can page him and that I hold on to that and let him know when she pages. Does that sound too controling on my part? He refused anyway saying that he doesn't want me to get her phonenumber. I don't even know her last name!! This will be a very stressful time, I just know it!!!<P>Thanks for your support!<P>Very sad

First, Let me welcome you to our group. We are a bunch of women who have been in your shoes, some longer than others. <P>I am a little over 7 months past d-day. And have been through the gammet of starting visitation and just recently stopping visitation. I have also had to endure my H having an emotional affair with a best friend of ours just after d-day. So believe you me... i know what you are feeling at this moment in time. <P>But keep hope alive, you can and will get to a place where your love for each other is more vibrant than the day you got married. Tragedy has a way of bringing people together. That holds true for married couples as well.<P><BR>I also want to tell you i sympathize with you having to endure the wait of the birth of the OC. But I also envy you. I wish I had the time to rebuild my marriage before dealing with OW/OC issues. This time is precious and you must seize it and use it wisely. Explain to your H that you would like to write a letter, together to OW stating that you both would like to ask that no further contact be made to him or you until the birth of the child. This will allow you to take the next eight months to focus fully on rebuilding.<P>Please read everything you can on this site. Dr. Harley gives some great tools to rebuilding trust. My H, fought much of his advice, so keep in mind don't take everything in stone. You have to take what works for you and use them to the fullest.<P>Continue to come her to vent, laugh, cry, and run things by us for second, third and fourth perspectives. You will never run short of support at this haven. Do remember that weekends are quite slow on the board. But everything usually picks up during the week.<P>Now for your specific questions.... I was wondering... you said H doesn't want to have anything to do with OW. What are his thoughts on what he'd like to do when OC is born? This isn't really pertinent to rebuilding your marriage, but I thought that if he wants you two to rebuild trust the pager idea was fabulous.... after the baby is born. <P>Many women are the point of contact and go-between for the OW and H. It is very comforting to know that all contact is legitimate since it goes through you. My H agreed at first, then changed his mind, then just recently cut them off completely from communication. He just got plain ole tired of her putting her hand out past the financial support he gave and her whinning and crying that he didn't visit enough. So husband's contact with OW in some cases isn't such a bad thing.<P>As for his trip. This is going to be rough for you. The cell phone really and truely isn't such a bad idea. You see, his phone records will be telling. If he calls or she calls, since the phone will be roaming, it will show the numbers that were called/received. That could be a plus especially if he doesn't know this. <P>You main concern seems to be that he could possibly tell you he's somewhere he's not. That is a very real possibility... but let me add, there is going to be a time that you have to trust... just a little at first, until it starts to feel natural again.<P>Short of hiring a P.I. in the state he's visiting, there is no sure fire way of ruling out his visiting her.<P>Look deeply into his eyes, and tell him you love him and tell him you trust he will do the right thing and uphold his new promises and commitments to you. If he's worth a grain of salt he will remember that moment the entire time he's away from you.<P>Someone once said, if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it loved you too.<P>I wish I had some surefire way to guarantee your sanity during that rough 3 weeks. But I don't. You might have to let go and let God this time.<P>Keep you head up girl. We are here for you and will be here for you to give you a hug during those 3 weeks and beyond.<P>Get ready for the rollercoaster ride of your life. It's not easy,.... but well worth it when you find that renewed sense of love, committment, and trust.<P>with love,<BR>Z.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

There is no such thing as "too controlling" once Discovery has taken place.<P>Your husband is obligated to give you any and all information you want or need, whether he is comfortable with it or not. He must answer all your questions openly and honestly, without reservation, and give you all her stats; name, phone, address, whatever info he has, and enter into a Policy of Joint Agreement with you concerning all contact, decisions and information from this moment on. he no longer has the luxury of privacy or secrets now that there has been such a gross violation of trust. He must give you any and all details you request regarding the affair without hesitattion regardless of what he can or cannot cope with. This is not about 'him' anymore...it's about you and your healing process, salvaging the marriage and keeping your family intact and the children from YOUR marriage.<P>I'll pray that the OW either is not really pregnant (this has happened) or that it isn't his, or that she gives it up for adoption so everyone can put this ugly episode behind them...and give the OC a stable, loving, two parent home.<P>God bless,,,may God take away your pain and comfort you and guide you and your spouse.<P>Catnip =^^=

I have thought the same as you have Catnip regarding the pregnancy! My H has told me that she is a high risk pregnancy. I hope every day that something happens causing her to miscarry. I truly feel awful about thinking that, but nonetheless, I do. I hold out hope that it isn't his or that she may not want it. I didn't think about the cell phone logs, that makes me feel a little better, but he could still be somewhere he shouldn't (he almost sounds like a child himself!).<P>I cut my wedding ring off of my finger and told him to take it with him as a reminder of what he broke (our vows). I also told him that I never want it back because it no longer means what it did before. I wore that thing for 10 years only taking it off to have his children!<P>I really appreciate the chance to hear from others in my same situation. Once again, thank you for your support and suggestions.<P>Verysad

Just wanted to give my warm welcome to another newbie! I too am in a somewhat similar situation... my H still travels to where OW travels too...it is so hard, trust has still not been established, and I am stressed each time he leaves, but there is really nothing I can do but turn to God in prayer and ask for courage. You will know when to ask questions or not; and sometimes we ask too many questions at once. I am having a hard time listening to what I think is my gut or my instincts and what God is trying to tell me. Maybe soon I will be able to tell the difference. I feel your pain, and will pray for your comfort. I'm only 90 days from d-day, but this is a great place to feel seen and heard; Isn't that all we ever wanted?! Hugs and prayers to you all.

Dear sad and hurt,<P>I'm so sorry to see you here. But this is a helpful<BR>place to be when the storm hits.<P>We are all in different stages, with different levels<BR>of involvement or NONE at all. Whatever works for you<BR>and your marriage.<P>I have to say that in your favor you are an eternal<BR>optimist. After some time passes that may pull you out<BR>of this mess. I am not an optimist and it has been<BR>extremely difficult to find the positive in this hell.<BR>Good luck to you. We are here for you. Take care, Fluke

Dear sad and hurt,<P>I am two yrs in the road of recovery and you CAN make it and you CAN be happy again. It is a lot of work, but it is worth it. Try Surviving An Affair (harley) on this website. It is cheaper here than in the bookstore and it is good. You have gotten great aadvice and I must say it bewilders me day by day how very many of us are in this situation. God bless.<P>Love<BR>broken_wings