I cought my wife involved in an interent affair nearly ywo years ago. Although they had never met (so I'm told), it kindled an emotional response in my wife that I had never seen before. A few weeks after my discovery she admitted it was wrong and broke it off. For the next year she said she just wanted "time and space". Then she decided she wanted a seperation (so she could date and "there's some people I would like to meet"). We start mediation for the seperation soon so I'm running out of time. Figuring that I have nothing left to loose, I suggested that she go meet this "friend" now to see if this vision is real or not. She wouldn't answer me.<P>Although she says there's no one in particular in mind (just a "vision" of how the "right person" would make her happy), I'm convinced that she's in love with an unrealistic illusion of what life is like "on the other side of the fence". I don't know how often, or to what depth she still chats with her internet friend, but how do you compete with an image in her mind? I've make significant changes in myself and to meet her needs, but she's not interested. How do you overcome an affair of the heart and help her to see the person she's helped me become?<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>

As you can tell by my name, I am or have been in the same shoes as your wife.<P>I can tell you how easy it is to fall in love with someone on line. They know what to say and when things are not right at home, you can just log on and spill your guts. They only know your side of the story, so they always agree with you. <P>I can tell you, that it would not matter what my husband would do, I still need the listening ear and concerned thoughts of my on line friend. We have met, even though we live very far apart. We still manage to see one another about once a month. <P>It is like keeping a diary, but this diary talks back. <P>The only way that my husband could keep me from corresponding with my OM would be to throw away our computer, but their is one at work and at the library. so guess that would not work either.<P>I can only tell you that I know I have an obcession with my on line guy. But I only know what he tells me. knowing this, I should be smarter then what my actions show, but I guess I needed someone to listen and someone to just receive the love I have to offer.<P>Good luck, my advice is to get rid of your internet connection.<P>Check your cache files on your computer history. This will tell you if she is still making contact with him. I erase mine on a daily bases.

An internet relationship will be hard for you to compete with. My OM was found on the internet in a chatroom first, then we switched to e-mail, then as things heated up we switched to a more personal program called ICQ. We eventually met each other and then ran off together. These feelings, deemed a fantasy by most people, are more intense than a normal relationship. This type of relationship is addictive too, and the withdrawal is terrible. Your best bet is to get rid of the internet connection. An internet relationship is an almost perfect relationship; each person filling some need for the other...no bills to worry about, no day to day problems to deal with. The internet it seems, can be a very dangerous thing. I know this is of little consolation to you, but I am going through the withdrawal right now and feel you need to know how powerful an effect this type of relationship can have on a person.

inloveonline and AnnieL,<P>Thanks for the replies. Yes, for quite a while I'm thought about removing the computer and/or internet. When I first descovered her affair, I couldn't look at the computer without wanting to take it out back and destroy it - as it represented an intruder entering our home to destroy our relationship. But my wife's home business is web page design - and she's very good at it. So removing internet access isn't an option. <P>I was hoping for more self descipline, although that may be unrealistic given the emotional intensity and privacy afforded by the internet. Her "history" log is disabled and the cache files, recycle bin, etc. are always wiped clean. The older version of ICQ used to leave message stings in temp files, but the new one doesn't. So I'm left to wonder why the secrecy remains. I think they just talk on occasion now as friends (no more cybersex, love letters, etc.) but I'm sure that rekindles the memories of those feeling from before. <P>We talked again last night and she said that she just didn't want a relationship with someone she couldn't love (as in me). I tried to explain that love is expressed in many ways, and tried to show her how much of what I've done was how I've expressed my love for her. And that I've learned the ways that she needs to feel loved, and have worked to make them a part of life. But, I'm still competing with the unrealistic vision of what life would be like with some who truely "cared". <P>I'm not one to give up easily, but nor do I want to impart my ideals on to others. If she wants to stay with me it has to be of her own free will, but her memories of the past distort her present vision. <P>inloveonline - do you think your husband would change or be more responsive to your needs if you were to plan on leaving. Also, <BR>do you think you would be happy with this other man, when the hassles of daily life are included in to the equation. Or is this relationship just a surrogate husband - fulfilling the needs not being met by your husband, but not wanting the whole package that goes along with the real person?<P>AnnieL - I feel badly for you after reading your profile. It sounds like life with your new found soulmate (or so must have thought) turned into disaster. How could a man who loved you leave you stranded high and dry? Even if consumed with guilt, how could he walk out on you without giving you the support you need to get reestablished. I think the world of my wife and wouldn't want to see her get hurt - even if she's left me for another. Is there anything your husband could have done to prevent you from leaving with the other man? Or in essence, is this a no win situation and I should just resign myself to accept that our relationship is over and there's nothing I can do about it? <P>As a poor analogy, it's kind of like when you drive off the road and hit a tree, it's too late when you realize where you should have turned. I know the turns I should have made to keep our relationship on the road. But we're off the shoulder, the tree is dead ahead, and the impact is immenant.<BR>(Ouch, I wish there were air bags in relationships. This is going to hurt...)<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>

Stardust,<P>You show deep thought in your questions, and these are questions I have asked myself many times. <P>Husband will not ever change, he does not have the background or the desire to change.<P>My OM is older and knows what he wants in life, he is in a different wage earned chart then I am now, I have been offered the opportunity to not to have to work ever again, he has said he will support my two young children, so the daily issues of money problems will not be a problem, I would work, I have a degree and want to use it, and I do not want him to support my kids. He has already raised his. He is a kid lover and I know he will except my kids as his own, and I will let him, I expect him to, but I want to provide for my kids. <P>I may be blind, but the relationship has gone on for over a year, he still calls everyday, we see each other when we can, we email many times a day. Husband does not or will not talk to me about money matters, kid matters or about any day to day problems. I run everything past other man and we talk about everything indepth. He reminds me of my father and that is part of the attraction. He is set in his world and has invited me into it. and the online feelings are very strong. Part of it, you start as friends, you share your deepest feelings because this other person does not know you or your friends,,,,,so it is easy to unload on a stranger, then before you know it, you realize you fell in love with this person on the other side, who you have know idea what he looks like. It does not matter what he looks like, you love him for him, not his body. When they turn out to be very handsome, (love is blind) it is just an added plus.<P>So to answer your question, what we have is real now, and we have plans to spend the rest of our lives in some kind of relationship.. We are friends. If my husband would have listened to me, wanted to be a part of my world, i may not have been so easliy taken in by OM's charm.<P>Try being everything to your wife. Be her safe secure place to unload her deepest secrets and fears. Ask her what her ambitions are. Leave little notes around, be her knight in shining armour or someone on line will.<P>Hope it all works out for you.

Stardust,<P>Sorry you and your wife are dealing with this. I am a betrayer who had an emotional affair and unfortunately I am still in withdrawal. The OM and I talked often on the internet, also by phone and occasionally met to talk. I had lost feeling for my husband about three years ago due to neglect and constant criticism then had my deepest emotional need(conversation) met by OM. We started out as friends but gradually fell in love. <BR> <BR>My husband and I are working on our marriage. I dont know if it will help, but try to get your wife to read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". If she is in love on line, she may have a high need for conversation. So talk to her, romance her(flowers, little gifts, cards, handwritten notes, etc.) She probably doesn't "feel" in love with you anymore so just try to be her best friend and confidant. Ask her why her feelings have changed, ask her what she is looking for in a husband, make yourself available, all of the things she will say to you may be terribly hurtful but if you can give a loving reaction it may start to melt her heart. Ask her if she is still having contact with her "friend" and try to convince her to agree to a no contact policy for 6 months(or even just 6 weeks)then ask her to call you or email you anytime she feels the need to talk to her special friend. If she believes that she has found true love, then surely true love would wait 6 months. Your love is unconditional and there is a sacred mystery in marriage vows, that cant compete with fantasy love. Whatever it is she thinks she is feeling for this "perfect guy" is false because sooner or later they will both discover how unperfect they are for each other. Relationships take work and real committment and somewhere deep in her heart she knows that. Try to find that place, fight for her affections.

Thanks redeemed,<P>You're description sounds so much like my wife. Yes, I now realize that she has a very high need for conversation. Things were fine for 17 years until she quit work to stay at home with our (then) 3 yr. old son. Then she found the internet to meet those conversational needs, and the rest is history.<P>Unfortunately, she wants no part of me any more. She won't confide in me, talk to me, let me do things for her, etc. She's a master of conflict avoidance and has suddenly realized how much of herself she has repressed over the years. I'm sure she must be talking again to the OM, as she doesn't need me for anything (except the paycheck). <P>I've tried so many of the things you've described, but to no avail. She views our marriage as a mistake and now feels that she never really loved me (strange how they can rewrite history). She would never agree to cutting off all conversation with him because she is still in denial as to how much she talks to him (which she won't even discuss with me). It's me that she wants to cut off all contact with for 6 months (well, actually for ever if she could). She won't answer me truthfully on anything as those are her "private thoughts". <P>Thanks for the encouragement though. But she says she doesn't want to work on our relationship as she doesn't want to be married any more. It's hard to compete with the unrealistic illusion of utopia in her mind. I haven't given up - I still show her that I care in spite of what she keeps doing to me. But time is running out. Our mediation sessions start soon, and it's hard to keep a smile on your face and a happy spirit when she's so cold and hurtful.<P>I tried to get her to read "His Needs, Her Needs" but she wasn't interested. She did commit to reading "When Love Dies : How to Save a Hopeless Marriage" though. I thought it was a great book, but then again I want to make our marriage to work and she doesn't. Best of luck on your relationship, and god bless you for making the effort to work on yours.<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P><BR>