H had his visit with OC on Saturday, at my urging. Although I know it's what he wanted, and was only saying he didn't care about OC to make me feel better.<BR>It was hard. Real hard and I don't know what I am going to do. However, I have been leaning toward separating. I just don't see how this can work so we are all happy. How can I be happy and our kids be happy and OC have a chance at happiness? My H is the one who messed up our lives, why should I be the one to put it back together. I don't think he deserves me. I feel he should pay the consequences and why should he have the benefit of me by his side? Sure he's sorry and all that but what else is he gonna say? Had she not gotten pregnant the affair may still be going on. And I don't know if I will be able to have a relationship with OC but also don't think it's right for me to deprive that child of a relationship with it's father. I went to my second therapy session this morning and she is really helping me to not focus on OW and OC and that whole situation, but to really look at the marriage to see if it's something I really want. Let's face it, I doubt many of our marriages were great to begin with. I know mine was comfortable but far from great. What am I fighting for? It feels to me like a life with him will be nothing but pain. Has anyone ever seen Dr Phil on Oprah? There was a stepmom on the other day who admitted she was really mean to her stepchild on purpose. He really told her. I wonder if I'd be able to be a decent person to this child? It's not an option for me NOT to have my H be a father to the child, so it's as if my only choice is to stomache it and he gracious or leave him. Today I am leaning toward the leaving. I'm sorry, I just can't join the bandwagon of seeing my H as the victim here. He isn't. I can't stand OW. I think she's an ugly, fat cow. But that doesn't change the choices my H made and I just don't think I can stand by him.

Bonnie,<BR> How long has it been since you learned about the ow ? One very sad thing is if you do divorce then your children are also deprived of there father. That was pretty much the only reason I stuck it out was because of our child. I have to admit I hated my h for a very long time and there are still times it rears its ugly head. We have made it 2 yrs now. Most of the time I'm glad I stuck it out. I to felt like you did in the beginning. In time and it does take alot of time and action on h part you do start to believe in them again and the resentment tends to fade. <BR> Is your h bringing oc to your home or is he seeing the child apart from your family. I dont know what more to say other then go with what your heart is telling you. Try to remember it takes some of us along time for our heart to be able to feel anything good again. <BR> with love flowerseed

I have only known a few weeks and I am definetly still in shock. At first I demanded no contact and thought as long as he stuck to that, I could put it all out of my head. After thinking I realized that just isn't an option for me personally. I can't stand by him as he ignores his child. He does not bring the child to the house and I don't know if I'll ever allow that. I just know in my heart that I cannot deprive that child of the only father it knows. As for my kids, if we divorce, he'll have partial custody. I know it wouldn't be perfect but I am trying to do what is best for all the innocent parties involved. Funny thing is, I don't even care about the OW right now. If he wants her he can have her. I really don't know much about her, she seems pretty low class but then again, that doesn't say much about my h does it? <BR>Thanks for the support. I will not rush to make any decisions. I can only take it a day at a time. I just don't see forgiving him anytime soon.

Bonniebb, I have read many of your post's. I feel sorry for your pain. <P>I need some clarification of your story.<P>If your H came to you, crying in your lap, telling you that H does not want any contact with OC, would you really leave H? Then your children, and OC, might not have any father, at all, to participate. If H really wants nothing to do with OC, everyone really loses.<P><BR>H walks away from both situations and starts fresh. What would be gained by this?<P>ember<BR>

Well, first of all, why do you feel that h and I divorcing would mean my children would have no father? He would have partial custody and he and I would work together as best we could to make do with the situation he created.<P>As for the scenario of him crying to me that he wants nothing to do with OC, quite honestly, I can't fathom it. How could I respect him? I couldn't and yes, I will leave him. Thankfully that isn't the case. He at first said he wouldn't have contact because he didn't think I could handle it and I agreed. I think he knew it would be a matter of time before I saw this was wrong. I'm sorry, this child has no other father figure. Yes, I wish she had given it up for adoption and so does he, but he knew when he took the risk that that decision was in her hands. I know the last thing he was thinking was pregnancy, I don't think any of them were. But they aren't dumb, they know it's a possibility and they took the risk. No birth control is 100% and they know that. I can't be with a man who turns away from his own child. My issues and jealousy is MY issue. Why should a child suffer from it. If I can't let him father this child, then I really have no business in the marriage because the sad fact is, this happened and there is NO making it go away and it never will. I have accepted that, now it's up to me to decide what I can and can't handle. As for my children, HE created this, and yes, they too will pay the consequence of divorced parents if it comes to that, just like OC will pay the consequence of being the product of an affair. Nothing will change all that. But sometimes staying married isn't the answer either. it's not going to be perfect no matter WHAT I decide. But staying just for my kids may not be what's right for my kids. That's what I need to determine. But yes, I'd leave if he turned his back on his own child. I couldn't ever respect that. And to whoever said I was forcing him to have contact with OC, no. He had contact before I found and stopped on MY account. He wants to be a father as best he can given the circumstances

Bonnie....where are you at in all this? I mean where is your emotion for you. Are you nto hurting? All your anger has been directed here at people you do not know at all. And then you state you are quite sure you want to leave and the reasoning....? We do not know because somehow you are campaigning for the oc again. Arent you upset about your children? Arent you upset about you? I havent seen it. I will pray for you whether you are who you say you are or not. By nature I am a trusting person, but my H and ow screwed that up. I now do not trust so easily. And I do not believe you are who you say. You have no real emotion here. Your post like this reads like a short story in monotone. In the other posts where you were obviously angry with the wives here there was much emotion. I for one do not allow anymore wolves in sheeps clothing in my life. And you my dear, well, I can hear you howling from here. If you do not feel comfortable here I do not know why you would stick around to become more emotional. There should already be enought stress in your life without you purposely adding to it. Find another board. Your story makes no sense.

That is also the reason i am here, for my daughter, and i guess becasue i really have not been confessed or told yet by anyone..I cant really say what i will do then..i suppose thats why no one is coming forth, and also embarassment for my daughter later on when she can understand this<P><BR>

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Enough. Please! Enough!<p>Please let old posts die, this is only bringing turmoil here. Total unnecessary and very unproductive.