I really thought that my real friends would understand my feelings about not wanting the oc in our lives, but they don't, it seems everyone things i'm wrong, they say how the chikd is innocent, needs his father, so on and so on, but i feel like i'm innocent in all this to, i did'nt ask for another child, especially one from another woman, am i wrong to feel this way, my h just avoids the whole thing lately, won't talk, says he hates to see me so hurt, so why did he do it then, hes says its up to about the oc, but i feel like thats a way of laying the guilt trip on me, for wanting no contact, how did all of you get past the guilty feelings

Befar, <P>This is not a situation where one can guess what they would do, nor one right or wrong way to handle the circumstances are they are. So, the next time you hear "you should", simply answer them with "I appreciate your opinion, but I think I'll do what's best for me and my family". End of discussion. <P>There aren't any right or wrong answers here, Befar. If you're doing all that you can do to make the situation better for all involved, then you're doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the best for all is NOT having contact. Remember that. <P>Take care,<BR>CoR

I am sorry you are in this situation. How long have you known?<BR>I have only known for a short while and I felt much the same way that you do, that the child wasn't my problem and I didn't ask for it. Believe me, a part of me still feels this. But a larger part of me agrees with your friends, that this is an innocent child and while i don't know that I can be a part of the child'd life right now, I know the father, my husband must be. I think we tend to be so upset about the situation we want OC to just go away and if there's no contact that's easier for us. But the issues surrounding the affair can't go away without a lot of work and your H not being a father to his child isn't going to make the process any easier. Personally, I think no contact will only cause resentment toward you in the end. I feel that if you want your marriage and are willing to work thru the issues that led to this affair, you have to accept the whole picture as hard as it is. And unfortunately the whole picture also involves an innocent child.<BR>I know it's hard and I am struggling. There are no clear cut answers but you've got to concentrate on the whole picture and if you can't accept that your H now has a child, you may not want him at all. I can't see just accpeting part of him. I mean, how can one accept and forgive the affair, but not accept a child?<BR>I suggest therapy to help you sort out what you really want. I don't think your friends should make you feel guilty over it, that's not the point. You didn't ask for this, but unfortunately it's what you got and you can't really pick and choose which parts to accept and which to reject. This is just my opinion and I wish you well.

Befar,<P>Ditto to what CoR said. Marital healing comes first. As marriages heal there is *sometimes* ways to incorporate contact. Just so you know, I am one with contat, although temporarily suspended, we put OW in a long time-out for bad behavior. I also strongly support each couple's right to make the decisions that are best for the survival of their marriage. In my opion, it is the first obligation that must be met.<P>Be sure however that contact is something that you and your H have whole-hearted agreement on. I don't think you can force a man who sincerely wants contact to forgo it and I don't think that you can force one who is dead set against it into having contact. Not if you want to keep a marriage going that is. Read the Harleys' information on POJA.<P>We have wondered on this board before if having children of the marriage makes you more or less inclined to seek visitation. I don't have children and I am willing to incorporate this child into our lives. But others have said that they don't have children and are against visitation. It goes both ways. CD has children and is seeking not just visitation but custody. Others here have children and want to protect them from knowing about OW and OC. I think it goes all ways and is a tricky balancing act. No one solution is right for all of us.<P>It really doesn't matter what your friends or your family think of your (plural) decision. In my mind, you have nothing to feel guilty about, but guilt is unfortunately one of the strong emotions we experience in the beginning of this process. We are women; we are used to taking care of others and sacrificing our interests. There are some sacrifices (if it will hurt you) that shouldn't be made. It sounds like your OC is quite young. There are many, many years in front of you and what is right at this point in your life, may not be in the future. <P>I like CoR's response. It is important to practice saying assertive things before we actually have to use them. That's why talking things out on this board can help. Together we have all thought of some things to say (if we have visitation with OC) when someone asks about the relationship. CDCollins was able to use something that we had brainstormed together before the situation came up.<P>Welcome to the board. I hope you find as much help here as I have.<P>MJ

Dear Befar,<P>Basically it is not your friend's decision. It is you and your H's and the two of yours alone. I have one friend who felt we were wrong and I realized to argue with her only caused pain, so it is a subject we avoid. The rest of my friends are just bewildered at the strength we all have. If it is something you can not handle then you do not have to. You are in a marraige and marriage is all about compromise. The two of you can either work out something or throw it on the backburner for a while and work some more on the two of you. You DO NOT have to accept oc. That is the beauty of living in The United States, it is called freedom. You DO NOT have to accept jack. You can forgive your H and work on your marriage and you DO NOT have to incorporate oc into anything. It is not your child, you did not create it and that is that. Do not feel guilty as you have done nothing wrong in this situation.<P>Much Love<BR>bw