Hi Bonnie. I don't know who you are but I'm one of those who support your issues but doesnt want to post on this board. I don't want to deal with the angry women on here and get bashed. Just reading their posts, they are all one-track minded people. I was wondering if we can communicate privately via email. Here's my email address:<BR>candywoman44@hotmail.com<BR>Thank you! <BR>

Candy...<P>The MB forum is a safe place to vent one's anger and frustration. It's OK to be enraged when your life has been ripped to shreds. In fact, BBB has been extremely expressive about her own anger, more so than anyone else on this site, which has fueled a lot of controversy and reaction. I guess when someone pokes you in the [censored] long enough, an angry reaction is what one should expect in return.<P>We're all angry...and justifiably so. In fact, I spend a good part of every day exorcizing my anger for at least a half an hour just to be rid of it. The remaining 23.5 hours are spent laughing, crying, smiling, cooking, chatting with friends, working, balancing my checkbook, screwing, sleeping, going out to dinner, walking in the woods, smoking a cigarette on my deck and posting here.<P>We are'nt angry ALL the time, Candy...only when the situation calls for it...you know, action/reaction.<P>Catnip =^^=

Hi Candy, I have also run across this problem! I have said this all along, that it seems many posters here are unwillinly to listen to anyone else side other than their own and alike. That the BS are so eager to trash the OW for their opinions and view of THEIR OWN (OW) SITUATION, that they take it as a direct connection to themselves. I too have been willingly left to lurk and see the madness and double standard many of the older members have. It's okay for the BS to have and opinion about OW, but don't dare post anything about the BS or OP. I wish I knew how to copy things into my post from different post about what some of the BS have written about OW and OC. I know this is hard on EVERYONE involved, yes even OW w/OC, but their is no reason to say some of the things they say. I actually find it funny that many posters are so willing to get into a debate typing match over others opinons. Saying things like, they will never change our minds, especially now, since many of their attitudes just stregthen our beliefs, yada, yada. No one is looking to change their minds, just like their not expected to change others minds. I know in my case, I still have the feeling that the XOM will always be a no good father to any of his children since he is so free to walk away and not think twice about one who was concieved during an A that he willingly engaged in too. That even if my H had an OC I would expect him to have contact with that C, simply for no other reason then to prove to me he is responsible and a good father, I would surely have less respect for him as a man and father if he wanted to "FORGET" the C. But that is MY OPINION. <BR>I am glad to see someone else can see what I have been saying.<P>R4theS

R4TS and Candy:<P>I'd remind you that not everyone is "one-track" minded. Not everyone bashes OW's---although in the case of some of these women here, there are some pretty horrific, predatory OW's involved.<P>But I'd also like to know why you'd bother to post "supporting" issues (like all husbands must be involved with OC's), if you're not in the actual situation. In general, these boards are to support and help marriages that are in trouble---you come in here by sharing your story, and your problems, in an attempt to look for help.<P>This isn't an area for political debate in which you post your "opinion" on a particular subject, without regard for the people here who are actively suffering. So---if you have real marriage concerns that concern the conception of a child through an affair---then welcome, and please share your story. We'll be happy to try to help you apply the MarriageBuilder's principles to your marriage, with the intent of getting it on solid footing.<P>If you're not interested in that, I'd ask you to rethink why you're here posting.

Candy<BR>Hi. I can't talk via my office email during the day but will email you from home. However, don't be afraid to post here. I think we have all calmed down and there's no reason we can't have mature dialog here. I think that we should all just not post to those we have difficulties with. Hang in there.<BR>Reaching for the Sun,<BR>I agree with a lot of what you say. I am not trying to change anyone's mind. But it's nice to see that I am certainly not alone in how I feel and that there isn't a particular "mold" as one older poster put it. These situations are so hard, it's easy to understand why tempers flare. Don't let it get to you. Stay strong in what you believe.

K- I have shared my story and most do know me, I have changed my name due to the numerous amount of attacks, selfless thoughts and total disregard for my feelings. I continue to lurk b/c I am in this situation and currently living the nightmare myself. Unable to wake up from the pain I live in. I have honestly and respectfully asked others thought and opinions regarding different aspects of my situation and with out fail, I am told "Too bad". Because the presumtion is all OW are rotten pieces of [censored] and have no moral background. When many of the men in this situation are just told, Boys will be Boys. I find that alot of the BS are wanting to put the blmae on the OW and not their H. When the OW includes the OM in the blame, it's not allowed. I don't recall reading anything in this post regarding the OW wants to have the OM in the childs life. I know that if the child is better off w/o him in thier life then great, but it doesn't mean that they should not be held accountable for their actions, CS. I just feel that alot of the BS can state their thoughts or feeling about what happened in thier own lives but if the OW comes in and wants to talk about their problems with OM's family, don't dare. It just confuses me.<P>R4theS

R4TS,<P>Well, if you come to this site, and state that the MM should be involved, period, then expect to have a lot of anger. Why? Because you are making a blanket statement that is not fair. Some of the situations were drunken one night stands, for which the OC is a painful reminder of a stupid misjudgement. Now, I am NOT saying that the OC is stupid, just the result of the H's stupidity. I am one of the W's who had the A that resulted in me getting P, but have not even told the OMM, and never will. My H, like K, knew of her paternity from the moment I knew I was expecting, and has chosen to stand by my side, and raise her as OURS. I can honestly say that I DO NOT know how I would react if my H had a child from an A, and chose to not have contact. There are many reasons for not having contact, many of which are NOT just because they are "just turning their backs on the OC". As for they complaints about child support, well, the laws DON'T take the children of the marriage into account before figuring the amount for the OC. So, the children of the marriage are made to suffer, while the OC/OW get up to 30% of OM/MM's income. Tell me where the fairness of that is? When the women on this board "trash" the OW, it is in regards to their children being put last by the courts. The courts say that they are worried about the children, but that doesn't include the children who were there first FROM THE MARRIAGE! When you take certain statements out of context, that is like flipping through your bible with your eyes closed, pointing to a verse, reading something like "Then he went out and hung himself" Then flipping again, and read "Go and do likewise". Does that mean that you should go out and hang yourself? No, you need to read both before and after those statements! So, before you state that newbies are not welcome here, unless they support our point of view, read everyone's stories. There is NOT just one view here, but many, and we all support eachother. Prime example, Obratti1 is the OW, but is accepted here, because she does not come here to threaten, or argue with us. She comes to help us understand where she is in this mess, and to understand where we are at. Look at the men here, like K and my H, who are raising the OC as their own, without the OM involved. If you come here with respect, you receive respect back. <P>I have gone on long enough. My baby now needs my attention.<P>Tigger

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Reaching for the Sun:<BR><B>K- I have shared my story and most do know me, I have changed my name due to the numerous amount of attacks, selfless thoughts and total disregard for my feelings. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>PS--Maybe you could remind us who you were, becaus I don't know who you are, as I am sure othersdon't know either.

I feel the need to start a thread that you simply state your name and whether or not you are involved with visitation. <P><BR>Once we have all stated our "position" on the matter, those who are mislead in thinking we are all on the "same side" can look up posts where we support others who don't make our identical choices.<P>Perhaps this will settle the misconception that the women/men here only support those that have made the same choices.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Reaching4theSun:<P>I'm afraid that I don't know who you are (my brain is somewhat addled with having spent so much time here). But there is a point of clarification here that I'd like to address:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just feel that alot of the BS can state their thoughts or feeling about what happened in thier own lives but if the OW comes in and wants to talk about their problems with OM's family, don't dare. It just confuses me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This board can, at times, be a gripe session about wayward spouses and OP's. And especially in this particular forum. But again, the whole reason for these boards is to support people who are trying to use the MarriageBuilder's principles to repair, rebuild, and enhance their marriages.<P>It's not a political debate board. It most emphatically is NOT a "public" forum. There are rules. There is censorship (of a type). And if, as an OW, you want to gripe about how rotten your OM's family is---you're probably in the wrong place here. If you're married, and you need to discuss how this situation is affecting your marriage---then this is a terrific place to be.<P>I understand that you need support in trying to deal with your situation. And there are a lot of "supportive" people on these boards---I have personally given plenty of advice to WS's, BS's, OP's, swingers, homosexual couples, children of divorcing parents, etc. But the primary focus of this board is marriage---and as an OP with an OC, if you wade in here and start to rant---you better duck. I can't tell you that I know of a better place for you to post (have you tried <A HREF="http://http:\\www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>Divorce Busting</A>?), but to clear up the potential misunderstandings, this is a place primarily intended for marriages.<P>With love and respect,<P>K

K-I do understand this forum is intended for marriages, marriages that are dealing w/ an OC, which my H and I are dealing with. I do not feel at this time to disclose who I am would be good for me. I am in recovery and trying to handle this. If there are negative feelings towards me, it wouldn't be helpful to me, nor anyone else here.<P>Tigger- I never posted that the "father" or sperm donor of the child should be a participant in the chid life. As far as the courts putting the children of the M last, that is not the fault of the OW, it is the courts. I personally do not care about OM's family, nor would I feel bad for HIM if I presued CS. It is MY children I am concerned with. Just my thoughts. Not that I would not feel bad for his W and C, but I cannot concern myself with them, I have my own family to think about. Something I did not do when I get into this mess. Lessons learned, time to move on. Only being a few months past D-Day, I am always learning new things. That the wonderful part of being human, we make mistakes and grow from them.<P>R4theS<p>[This message has been edited by Reaching for the Sun (edited August 03, 2001).]

Bonnie, I have posted before on this board but didnt get a good warm welcome from the women here instead they mock me for my situation/issues.<P>So if its possible, I'd like to talk to someone who's on a neutral ground.<BR>Thanks!<BR>