but I have been lurking here for several weeks before posting and really have been pretty appalled at postings for the last few days. <P>I don't see any more "OW bashing" than any other betrayed spouse site and quite honestly, I don't think it is unusual. Those of us that have been betrayed by our H's are in pure agony when you find out and that agony doesn't go away over night. Couple that with finding out that a child resulted from the affair and it's a life long heartache. <P>It's really awful that someone can come here and make blanket statements about how we all should handle our situations. We are all individuals with very different strengths and weaknesses. What is right for one, may not be right for another, and if you can't see that, you are pretty narrow minded. <P>Bonniebb, I am glad that you have calmed down a lot from your first postings. I still see you posting with others with like mind set, but still with a rightousness about your opinion that tends to belittle and anger those that don't think as you do. Others do this too and it is wrong. You are still in the very beginnings of this and your emotions and what you think is right will change day to day, and minute to minute, so don't make any rash decisons that you may regret later. Think of YOUR marriage and YOUR children first, not the OW and the OC. Remember, your H is certainly suffering too, even though he brought this upon himself.<P>I am two years from d-day and I still struggle with this terribly. My H certainly hasn't escaped my RAGE over what this has done to me. He hasn't had it easy and this has ripped him apart too. I have nearly lost him to suicide. The difference between what he's done to me and what she's done to me aren't a whole lot different. Sure, he made a promise to me and betrayed that promise, but with this OW, I feel like I have been betrayed by the sisterhood of women! Do others feel like this? I not only look at men with disgust, but women too, knowing that many of them don't give a damn about their vows or anyone elses either! Everyone is suspect. This not only destroyed my trust in my H, but my trust in people! I wrote the OW a letter a few months after D-day and she, unlike my H, expressed NO REMORSE, in a letter she wrote back. It's difficult to forgive someone that is not sorry for what they've done. I wish she could see my tears and sobs of pain, because she IS partially responsible too. She says she doesn't want me to visit HER son, only my H. Well, I guess she should have remembered about me, the wife, before letting my H stick his penis in her vagina! (sorry, I couldn't resist!) <P>I have struggled with my guilty feelings about the OC, but I am finally getting past that. I can't change what happened. If my H chooses not to have contact with the OC, then I will support him, and if he makes the decision to have contact, I will support him too, BUT with conditions. NO visits will be allowed without me being there too, or it will be just my H and the child. The OW, my H, and the OC are NOT a family unit together. Is my trust level low? You BETTER BELIEVE IT! I would be a fool to ever have the same blind trust in my H again! You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I love my H more than anything and can't imagine life without him, so divorce is not the answer for me right now. If he chooses not to have contact with the child, I will not think any less of him than I do now, even after betraying me. I KNOW that he is a wonderful father to our children, but the difference is that he LOVES me, not the OW, and I think that fact alone makes it more difficult for him to love the OC. He feels no love for the child, only guilt. Is that the kind of father you would want? Unless we received total custody, because of the distance between us and the OW, the child will never truly know the father our children do. I also believe that what some may feel is right for the OC may not be right for OUR marriage, OUR children. Whatever decision we finally make, I hope when I post here about it, I will get support and not criticism. I have seen quite a bit of support here for both the OW and BS and WS, (except in the last few days), and hope that it will continue.

Dear Dacasarest,<P>I hope that Bonniebb and the others that have came on this board like gang busters take a lesson from your post.<P>The difference between you and them is your opinion on this issue is focused and presented as what is best for you and your family.<P>You opinion is valid because you do not criticize the "opposite" opinion and question it's validity soley because it doesn't exactly match your own.<P>That is what makes this site a beautiful one. Everyone here (normally) respects other's opinions and choices because they acknowledge the fact that everyone is responsible for their family and their family alone. They can only do what's best for their family given the situation and circumstances that were dealt to them.<P>Never, ever once in your post did you belittle those women who choose visitation. Who choose to support their husbands in visitation. That's what this place is all about.<P>I can think of many many threads I (and others) have posted on that were started by women who didn't make the choices I was making. And never once did anyone ever say they were "bad" people for making those choices.<P>R E S P E C T is what Aretha said and everyone on this board has traditionally practiced.<P>Again, my hats off to you. And welcome.<P>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Bravo, Ladies...now we are getting somewhere...and hey! I didn't see any anger or hatred here in either of your posts...I keep wondering where they are coming up with all this nonsense.<P>Catnip =^^=

dacasarest,<P>I'm a new lurker also. ;o) I read your story and I know those feelings. I like Bonnieeb in the begining thought that my husband had to have contact with OC once paternity was established or I wouldn't respect him. But OW in my case was pysco, I ended up getting arrested after I encouraged my H to call her and set up visitation after the DNA test results came in. When he called OW she complained about me and all the things I supposedly did wrong to her. Like be married to a man and file for a divorce after D day and have him beg and plead for a second chance boy did I do her wrong. (I'm sorry for the anger ladies,It's been 10 month since D day and I'm having a bad day today.) Anyway after my H hung up (I was able to listen to both sides of the conversation) she called the police and told them I made harrassing phone calls to her. Thanks to caller ID and the phone being in my name some over zealous cop walked up to me asked who I was, once I stated my name he said Mrs. Unsure OW said your harrassing her, your under arrest!! I was shocked so was H who jumped to my defense. I couldn't believe the justice system after paying for a laywer I finally got the charges dropped!! I now feel that if H wants contact with OC I will support him if he doesn't I'll support him too. I feel that OW should have step up and said screw you H I only want a father for my child instead she's coming after me like I had sex with her. I'm too pissed to post my entire story tonight. I'll do it tomorrow. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. You didn't ask for this situation.

Truth is stranger than fiction!<P>There is no one right way to handle this.

This is an interesting post Dacasaret. Everything has been so quiet and so respectful and here you single me out making blanket statements about me. I have to disagree with you simply to defend myself. No, I don't just post to those with a like mind. I have been nice and respectful to those with all different opinions. Just because I am strong in my convictions and what in I believe, does not make me "rightous" and no, I don't see how my recent posts have "belittled" a single soul. The way you single me on this post however is a different story, but I don't care to go there.<P>You say I am very new and my feelings will change day to day and then you make an insinuation that I am not putting my H and my children first. There is no need to worry. Yes, my feelings and my pain does change day to day, but none of that changed what FOR ME, is the only moral option. For me, the possibility of staying married and my H not seeing the OC is not a possibility. I ask you to have some respect for MY choice. It may not work for you but for me that will not change. For us, it's a matter of dealing with what IS, and the reality that my H has another child IS the reality and that is what we will deal with. This is how WE want it. And there are plenty of posters who have the same mindset, though they are not the only ones with whom I communicate. You are entitled to your opinion and while to me it may seem foreign and impossible to identify with, I have learned to respect it and see that what my H and I choose and what it right for us and for our family, may not be right for you. All I ask is for the same respect and not to try to be talked out of our decisions and what we know to be right for us.<P>Yes, I have calmed down, but have you noticed....so has my attacker. It really does take two or more for an ugly arguement to perpetuate. I chose to cease partaking in it and apparently so did she, making this board much more pleasant for us all. The support I receieved from those with AND without like minds, really helped show that some posters WERE wrong and WERE rightous in the way that they were posting to me as well. I am far from perfec and I own that and the way I came off on this board. But my attacker and those who supported her accusations and harrassment of me were no better. Luckily it seems we have all changed our attitudes, you included I hope.<BR>I wish you the best.

Hmmmmmmmmmm Bonnie... You need to defend yourself? I thought I had written a written a post that was fairly innocuous! Quiet and respectful?? I had only mentioned your name because, frankly, YOUR name has appeared frequently over the last several days, and yes, your posts did belittle those that didn't agree with your views. A person can be strong in their convictions without making it sound as if everyone that didn't agree with them were totally wrong in their thinking. Judging from the responses you received, it wasn't just me that thought that. Just one small paragraph was aimed in your direction. I don't believe that I was insinuating that you were not putting your H and children first at all. I think that in the very beginning of this situation, that to focus only on the OC or OW can be a mistake. This is a marriage builders site, after all, and our main goal is to stay married and work through our problems together.......unless maybe I have gotten that part wrong. My H and I have not made the final decision about contact...it could go either way, but whatever we decide it will be the best decision for US.<P>I certainly think that YOU should do what's right for YOU, even if it means the end of your marriage. I have not and will not try to talk you out of any decision that you or your H may make and I don't think anyone else will either.

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