the final mediation session is set for next week. we expect things to go well, unless she all of a sudden gets butterflies about us having visitation every other w.e. and summers. <BR>with that said, i'm really starting to get butterfiles....for one, my H and I can't seem to come to terms about contact agreements. He feels like I should trust him to be the contact on all matters. I say 'Hogwash', it's really not a matter of trust. It's about not expecting me to respect a dasterdly deed committed by the two of you. If it inconveniences them to keep me in the loop from the first point of contact then too bad!<BR>Secondly, I'm a little afraid to get attached to a child that has a scorned mother. I feel like I'll be exposing myself to her manipulation games once it becomes clear child and H and W have bonded as a family.<BR>any thoughts and words of encouragement are welcome!

Matthew,<P>I don't know if I have responded to you before, but your post touched me, and I felt the need to add my support and prayers. I think that you have every right to be "in the loop" as you put it. It shouldn't be an inconvenience to either one of them.<P>As for your second question/concern, I think that if you leave it in God's hands, everything will work out for the best.<P>I wish I had more advice/experience to offer to you. I hope that I helped, and I will pray for you till we hear what happened at the mediation.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

I hear where your'e coming from totally! H (along with myself and our atty)and OW are trying to work out details of visitation. D-day was only 3 months ago for me, so at this point in time, my feelings are still new and the pain very raw, and I can't commit to a decision on visitation. H says he doesn't want contact with OC until we are more stable in our relationship. H wants to work on marriage, but I really don't know what I want. I just can't see myself taking care of OC with the constant reminder of betrayal staring me in the face; I also feel like I'm condoning their behavior if I let this OC into my life, but I too am afraid of how I may become attached to OC. It is definitely a roller coaster ride for us all. As time goes on, I'll let you know what H comes up with on visitation. H and OW are supposed to meet next week. I want to be there and feel like I should be welcomed to sit in on something that will affect me and my child for the rest of our lives. Too bad if it makes OW uncomfortable. She knew I was in the picture all along, so she can just get over it!

Mattew, the visitation sounds fair to me. <P>I agree that H should not ever speak to OW again. Yes, you are, and should be in the loop.<P>Good-luck, ember.

Matthew you stay in the loop! Your H should go about this in a way that satisfies you not ow!<BR>Sure you'll be scared...so H should do as you ask as you've opened your heart enough for now.<P>God will handle things...prayers to you.<BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I am new here and I totally understand and relate to where you are coming from. In my situation, when my husband has to talk to OW about OC then I am standing there. When he has to pick her up I am with him. It makes me feel better. And he doesnt say anything, so I am fine with it. As for being apart of OC's life it is hard sometimes. I love his daughter like my own. At first before visitation was final OW toyed with my emotions because she knew I cared for her child, she did a lot of spiteful things. I am attached very much, sometimes I dont want her to go. We just had her and I hated to see her go, but then when we did have her she looked sooo much like her mother that I just didnt have a good week, it just brought back memories. So I guess you have good days and bad days. But the good DO outweigh the bad. God, touches us in a way that we know what we are to do. If seeing the child and being apart of it is what God touched your heart with than do that if it is not then you will know. Just be yourself and you will be okay!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I definetly think that since you choose to have contact yourself you should definetly be in the loop all the time. OW has to understand the reality of the situation and that is that the father of her baby has a wife and THEY are the team. H OW and OC aren't a team, leaving you out. I'd insist on being in the loop and your H should support that. I'm sure this is hard enough for you, you don't need to be made to feel like you're some outside party. YOU are going to be a big part of this child's life so you have everyright to be involved in planning, knowing what's going on etc. I think you just have to give it your best shot and let the OC see you for the wonderful person you are.

Unicornlove<BR>What does the OC call you? Does she know the situation? I believe I will eventually have contact with OC along with my H and am interested in knowing how it works for you.<BR>Thank you<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bonniebb:<BR><B>Unicornlove<BR>What does the OC call you? Does she know the situation? I believe I will eventually have contact with OC along with my H and am interested in knowing how it works for you.<BR>Thank you</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She calls me mommie and calls her mom by her first name. She is only 3 1/2, but I try not to confuse her as much as I can. <P>It works differently for everyone, once you understand the situation then you know how to handle it genuine and from the heart. It is a rollercoaster ride depending on the OW. Because most OW want to try to use OC to break up marriage even after Affair. It is a long road if you are willing to take that path. Keep God in your heart and in your family, that will help lots.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by unicornlove:<BR><B> She calls me mommie and calls her mom by her first name. She is only 3 1/2, but I try not to confuse her as much as I can. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She calls you mommie? And her biological mom (the OW) by her first name? Wow that must be a hard pill for the OW to handle! How did that come about. I bet that feels good to you to know that she thinks of you as mommie.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maritalblisshah:<BR><B> She calls you mommie? And her biological mom (the OW) by her first name? Wow that must be a hard pill for the OW to handle! How did that come about. I bet that feels good to you to know that she thinks of you as mommie.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, at first OW woman thought that it would aggravate me for her to call me mommie but it didnt. I told my H she has to call me something but not by my first name. I was reared in a family where children dont address adults by first names. But anyway, my children call me mommie and she wants to call me mommie, however the mommie thing backfired on OW because I belive she reprimands her for it now. OC says mommie says you not my mommie you "sonna" which my name is Sonja, I say well sonna loves you and call me what you want (to make OC feel comfortable) and she calls me mommie. <P>OC loves mom of course more than me, but that is her child. I love OC and I make OC comfortable, I never mistreat her and never push her into something she doesnt want. I treat her like my own. And yes it does feel good for her to want to call me mommie, I guess I am doing something right.

unicornlove: I think your an awesome W in how your dealing with the OC. You mentioned "I love his daughter like my own." It brought tears to my eyes. Because the MM I was with was seperated for a year before I started seeing him, he moved in and we would get visitation of his children. His one little girl would call me mommie and I would continuely correct her. The W did get mad about this, but I told her I always corrected the little girl when she said that to me. I did love this man and that love went out to his other children too. How could it not, if you really love that person it extends to every part of their lives. Now, he has gone back to his W, which I told him was the right thing to do if he still cared about her. I wish the W would extend the same kind of love on my child as I did hers. But, she obviously can't live with it. I personally think the child would be better off having two mommies that care and love for him! Why not? I'm not saying the H having two wives, don't get me wrong there. I'm just saying that the child would have double the protection and love if he had two mommies.