I have been here awhile,mostly I lurk but occasionally I put in my 2cents. Today I thought I add a little I hope so here is my story.<BR> I learned in July '92, my H wanted a divorce. I refused, we had 4 children, had 17.5 years together, he was approaching midlife (Crisis?), and I believed we still had deep feelings for each other. I insisted we see a counselor and so we did. In Oct. 92, he said he wanted to stay committed and things were looking better. We spent Christmas with my family in TX (were military stationed in KY). <BR> Then, in Feb 1993, I learned that I was pregnant, nearly 40, (this is child #5). I told him and we were back to square one. he wasn't sure this was what he wanted. We went back to counseling. He saw a counsellor on the side who told him he was depressed. I guess he told this person about an affair that had been going on for a year. Yes, even thru the earlier counselin he had not mentioned that little detail.He saw her maybe 20 times in that year, always enroute to Ft Bragg from Ky. She lives in Asheville, NC and we were in Ky. She worked in the Hotel he countiued to stay when he went to NC.<BR> After a revelation, he decided not to leave, to recommit again, went to her to tell her in person. He saw her 3 more times after I learned I was pregnant, she knew at this time that he was married, had 4 children, and one on the way. He said she was upset when she learned he was still sleeping with me, I still did not know of her at this time. However, she did not quit sleeping with him. She even came to his hotel room the last time in tears, he told me, for "one last time". <BR>My pregnancy was high risk, High BP, pg at 40, et cetera, so In until I went through his stuff and found her letters, covering 18 mos - 2 years, her offer to raise our children (one time I told him if he left, he would have to take our teenage sons, I would not be able to keep them in line on my own, plus did not want the oldest to be surrogate father to sisters.) I could not believe this 23 year old thought she could take on my 16.5 son who could be very agressive, would hate her.<BR> I had my new son in Sep 93, and we put our lives together. then I learned in April 94, he had a little sister born in Jan '94, the day before my 20th wedding anniversary. I was devastated. He had been sending child support, had help pay for birth, but I had not been told any of this. His response was if I wanted to throw everything we had put back together, he would not stop me. but he wanted a life with me, not her.<BR> We went to lawyer and set documentation. It registered at court in her county in NC. We pay child support, money we never see, every month. I did offer to adopt the OC, personally was outraged that someone else had a child of MY husband. However, she declined. We have never seen the child. He says HE does not believe he can contribute to her life if he is not involved daily. Also He does not want a constant reminder of his stupidity. He believes the OW was looking for a way out her situation and thought a man 15 years older could provide it. He also believes she got pregnant to force the issue, gambled and lost.<BR> How do I feel with this? I wish I had that child. I could have loved her, but now, I do not know what feelings have been created towards us by her mother. I also was not sure of the feelings I would have with the constant reminder if we had visitation. Which he does, but has never excercised. We could force the issue and get holidays and summers now. but is that fair to her? She is 7 and should we bring her to TX to stay with strangers?<BR> I expect to one day have her show up on my door, maybe a very angry young woman. then I will have to deal with bewildered young people who want to know about her.<BR> Well sorry this is sooooo long, but I thought I would share my story again. We are still together and he wishes he could undo what he did, and still tries to make up for it after 7-8 years.<BR>TG

Truly an amazing story Texasgirl! I'm a bit older than you. I was married 26 yrs when I found out. I'm still not sure if he did her before our 25th or not....the old vague memory. I think he did.<P>So it's been that long? God must have a reason for all of this. I can't wait to find out what it is!<BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

I truly empathize. I just found out today that my H possibly has a SECOND child - DIFFERENT MOM THAN THE FIRST - from a college relationship. I didn't have the honor of knowing about the FIRST one before we got married, so this one is a most UNWELCOMED surprise. It has taken a part of the marriage each time. You see, I was so happy and excited that neither of us had any children from other relationships when we married. As we now know, although life can still be complicated, it is a little simpler when we don't have other outside things going on. I am just racking my brian trying to think about how we are going to do all this. We are currently paying support to one mom as though OUR two children do not exist. We are paying for a home, two cars, credit cards, daycare for one child and Christian schooling for another. I am angry because my children may possibly suffer for something that I had no prior knowledge of. <BR>Gemini, I too, am looking for the reason/purpose behind all of this. It's GOT to be something REALLY GOOD!<BR>Texas, you should consider having the child to come visit. At least give her and your H a chance to get to know each other. Every child should have the chance to geet to know their father. What they decide to do later is up to them, but at least they will have had the opportunity. However, concerning your part/feelings: You WILL NOT be all giddy and happy about the visits - at least, not at first. THIS IS OKAY. I AM STILL learning to cope. Since I still feel badly about all of this and I don't want to mistreat the child, I just kind of stay back and let her interact with my H and his family and with our kids. Maybe later for us. Just my take. I hope things get better for both of us!<P>[This message has been edited by sickofthis (edited August 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sickofthis (edited August 07, 2001).]

Dear Texasgirl,<BR>I'm so sorry that your marriage has taken this turn, but it sounds like you guys are handling things and surviving intact. I'm amazed that you have 5 kids and open to raising yet another--and in these circumstances. What a big heart you have.<P>I doubt if the girl will show up at your door after she is grown. Although no one can say for sure. It will depend on how she is raised.<P>Every person is different, but I guess it will all depend on how OC is raised and what the mom is sharing with her daughter about her bio father and his (loving) wife and family.<P>To send her daughter knocking at your door unannounced is to set her up for possible rejection! I just don't see how that would be protecting the daugher? But then, if OC shows up at your door, it doesn't sound like she would be at all rejected. For this, I admire you a great deal. Wow.