Okay, I have been debating on whether I was going to post this or not. I'm not sure what I am looking for and you will see I'm not even sure of how I am feeling lately.<BR>I'm scared, scared to post my truest thoughts that I have not shared with anyone except my 9 month old baby (He listens very well!)I have even been feeling so scared I feel sick to my stomach, and it is doing backflips tonite. Scared of what my future may hold, and scared that my H may find this post (although that is unlikely as he understands this is my "safe haven". I'm facing my fear of posting b/c I can't live w/ these thoughts alone anymore. MY MIND JUST WON'T STOP!<P>Okay I'll start with the "safe stuff".<BR> <BR>All my life I have had low self esteem and always felt others saw me as less mature, always a few years younger. Could this have to do w/ being the youngest of 7?...maybe. (and also the biggest age gap is between myself and my sister ahead of me.)I always had average grades, average looks(but have never considered myself pretty), never really excelled in anything...(except starving myself into a hospital twice...ahhhh but I did survive that!)In essence, I have always felt like a child. I do remember a conversation pre-A (my H and I often discussed infidelity and the male/female perspective on sex and how one is emotional and the other physical...he loves to debate)My H said(and that time he did say it as a joke) that if I was unable to show him the affection he needed he would need to go elsewhere to get it. Now that he gone and actually DONE that, the child syndrome returns...and I feel as if he gave me fair warning and I didn't listen, so here is my punishment. I feel so inadequate b/c I was unable to fulfill my H needs, and the OW did so, even if it was just for sex and a short time...I just don't feel like a strong, 36 yo sexy, sensual, mature woman anymore. I feel like a teenager or young adult, just embarking on life, but trapped b/c back then any choices I made were regarding only me...now they affect so many other people.<P>I also am finding myself fighting a losing battle with certain things. I KNOW that I can't change the past. I KNOW that the OC is here to stay (contact or no contact...we still see the money go...)AND YES, I KNOW that the child is innocent in all this...but I WANT OUT!!!! I don't want to be the star in this movie anymore, I want to erase this and have a "do-over".Not the best analogy but here goes...if I am doing a project, big or small, and it isn't just right I scrap it and start all over, all new materials, a whole new beginning. But that can't happen here, you just can't scrap people, they are real, living, not unfeeling objects.<P>THEN, there is the blame issue, a whole new post, one that I will have to work on.<P>And here is what is making me sick to my stomach with worry. Basically, I have been thinking more and more that I can't get past what he did. Would I be happier if we parted, at least at this point we could try to remain friends.I thought that a year past d-day, I would have made this decision by now. But I find that it has been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and although I have not said it exactly to my h, I think he is aware of my uncertainty b/c he has recently said to me that he still is afraid that one day he will come home and I will say "I can't take it I have had enough." Okay here is Side A/Side B thoughts...<BR> Side A:the fear of leaving...our kids, the family we have built together. When he leaves for a trip they say"Not again Daddy!" and life with them is complete for me. I can't imagine not having them, not for a weekemd or even a few hours. I could't share my children with another woman, miss half their life b/c of his inability to keep his pants zipped. I don't want to date, deal with anothers "baggage" (or have my children be considered baggage either) AND as odd as it sounds, I don't think I could handle seeing my H falling in love with another person, that would kill me, b/c i do love him...onto...<BR>Side B:fear of staying...do I love him enough to not look at him and feel the pain I felt when I received the papers in the mail a year ago. And I KNOW that I will never feel the same love as before, but how can it be better or more...I loved him so much before, I don't know if it could be stronger ...and now, when he holds me it feels so right. But a faded memory has been coming into mind when I am with him sometimes. <<<I didn't date alot in HS, most of it was in college. I have been remembering the feeling of "freedom" or 'relief" if you will when I would break it off with someone that I knew I no longer wanted to date. I didn't want to hurt thier feelings, but knew it would not work, and after it was done I knew the choice I made was right.>>> It scares me b/c I can almost feel that feeling of relief when I imagine my life if we were to split....But then I fast forward to seeing him with another person, being as we were(and I know that he was not this way with the OW, it was purely for sex..ouch that hurts everytime!) and I know that it would sadden me that I couldn't move past and forgive, b/c yes despite what he did, he is a good person and have always considered him my "soul-mate".(And the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...)<P>(And no, I don't think he would understand any of this if <BR>I told him, he would just assume I have reached my limit and it is a matter of time before I go...rather than me trying to make sense of what is going on inside my head.)<P>And to top it all off I have added pressure onto myself, that I want to have another baby with him(What am I nuts?!) I was pregnant when I found out about the A and that she had his first son before me. It was supposed to be our last child...but during my pregnancy all this developed, we didn't enjoy the joy of having a son and I couldn't prepare for it(my sisters did all the preparing of the room, washing clothes, ect) He wasn't there for it mentally in the beginning(pre-d-day) and we were dealing with so much after...I just can't imagine that being our last pregnancy together. And I am 36, and my rate of healing is so slow so far...(And I have always wanted 5-7 kids, we were going to stop at 3...a compromise...)I don't know, I just can't stop thinking about it. When we make it thru, I don't want him to say, "But we just can't do it, or I don't want to..."<P>Okay...this is WAY too long, much longer than I intended. So sorry for the rambling( see I warned you it was all over the place), but my stomach has seemed to settle a bit. Thanks, as always, to all of you who have made it thru this post. God bless<BR>NGU<P>

Hi NGU,<P>Believe it or not it sounds not too bad to me. When I was a yr thru I could not STAND my H. He repulsed me, disgusted me, just plain made me sick. I stayed with him though, why? Fear? Maybe. My daughter. More likely. But somewhere even though I had lost respect and admiration for him I knew this was not all it was. I knew somewhere deep down I still loved this man and I knew somewhere deep down he still loved me. He was and is my partner for life. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and healthy too. I still listen to "Surviver" to pump myself up and I think ironically when I felt that way towards H I was pumping me up. I made the decision that if he EVER did anything like this to me again I would be gone in a heartbeat. And I was going to make sure I could walk out and never look back. I decided I was through living for just him and it was time to live for me too. I am now working my way through school and doing very well.<P>I am now over 2 years since d-day. I am still determined to get through school. I want to make sure I am set....if he does it again, if (God forbid) something happens to him, or if the She_Devil ever rears her ugly head again. I will be making enough money that she will not hurt us too bad. On the other hand I do know now that I love him. I know beyond a shadow fo a doubt I want to be with him for the rest of my life. We still have rough times and I will still sometimes drop into a depression over this ow/oc thing, but for the most part we are really good. I adore us. And on top of everything else my H is now going to church whereas before he would have rather cut off his right arm.<P>Things are better than you think. If you still know you love him and you know your kiddos adore him...give it a chance and above all....and I mean this NGU, from the depths of my soul...LET GO AND LET GOD!! I have also found a beautiful line from a book that I think I will add as my signature...tell me what you think. "...love grows deeper and stronger when we have both the wisdom to say what must be said and the wisdom to know what never needs to be put into words." Can you believe that beautiful line was Dean Koontz? lol<P>Love ya and Many Prayers ( I really do pray for you every night)<BR>bw

Dear NGU,<P>I am not sure exactly what to say to your post, or where my reply will go either. I think that I will just let my fingers type this time. <P>When reading your post, I saw a lot of pain that can be directly related to your 1 year since D-day. From what I have read in the 9 months since being here, that it can be as painful, or more so, as D-day itself. It is very normal to have these feelings at the 1 yr mark. My H and I just past it ourselves, and I felt frustrated, scared, angry, sad, but also happy, because we had made it that far. With much interferance from H's mother, taking it upon herself to let that whole side of the family know everything, even after H asked her not to. H's brothers said that she came across as a highschooler, full of gossip, and couldn't wait to tell her secret to everyone else. It was painful for us(I was 8 mos pregnant at the time she told everyone), and H's brothers as well. We have always said that we will eventually tell our families, but when WE felt it was right. I still have a hard time talking to her, as does my H. In fact, he will be in town next week, but I don't think he has told his parents, so he can avoid seeing her. I understand his anger, and won't say anything to her, and just let him deal with their relationship. I will talk to her if I need to, or if I answer the phone when she calls.<P>This past month has been crazy for me, emotionally. It has been the 1 yr mark for D-day for my A's, and my H's A's. D-day for my pregnancy. Going to XOM's "trial" for the asault on my H, and XOM finally leaving the island. The hard part for me was my mind reliving all the pain that H and I went through at this time last year. It is a very normal thing to feel that way.<P>My fear, and luckily it was unfounded, was that because of it being a year since I told XOM that I never wanted to talk to him or see him again, that he would somehow try to contact me. The last thing I want is that crazy, violent person back in my life! He never needs to know about Abbi, and hopefully never will. I know that there are a couple posters here that think that I should at least have his medical info, just in case. But, I firmly believe that he is out of our lives for a reason, and anything that may come up, medically, for Abbi, God will help us handle it. I don't feel we need XOM's medical background. <P>As for you wanting to have another baby, well, all I can say is pray earnestly about it before you act upon that decission. You need to be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are still not sure you are going to stay in the M, then why bring yet another child into it?<P>I don't know if I helped out any, like I said, I was just going to let the fingers go. Just remember, you are at the 1 year mark, which brings up all those feelings again. They do fade, and get better with time. I will pray for you, that you will know which route to take.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

NGU, I think you are feeling natural emotions now, and I'm not sure how I'll be at the 1 yr. mark.<BR>Your feelings about you and H stopping at 3 and ow allowed to have one is where a lot of your anger is. I think when you realize that H is so very sorry and open your heart to forgive him you'll start to heal.<P>Last night H and I were eating a late night snack and all of a sudden w/tears in his eyes he said "I know I broke your heart and I'll never know why I did what I did to us. I also know you have a big scar right here(points to my heart). I'm going to be the best H you could ever want but it makes me sick I put that scar there. I'm so sorry. I love you more now than I ever did in my whole life. I see what a good person you are and I'm sick what I've done to you."<P>When I hear that I know in my gut he means it and it's as if I step outside of myself and feel sorry for him.<P>NGU at 36 you have a lot of life ahead of you. Your kids are not baggage. Bless you for going back to school. Your self esteem should be higher now.<P>Look at yourself....you are a strong woman! It's ok to wonder what you do. Pray for peace. I know God will answer you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

BW: thanks for the company last night...I love the quote!Dean koontz huh? Go figure.When i had time to read I read a few of his books. They were pretty wild, but good. I have a folder of quotes and that one will go in.<P>Tigger Thank you for the prayers and support. I felt a sort of relief after the actual d-day, in that "Wow, I did make it past a year" but in the same breath, was dissappointed(and still am) that I am not much further. But maybe you are right, that all those feeling allcome back up, b/c I did relive the day (vividly) in my mind and since we ahave been working so hard, I have pushed some things aside, or stuffed the feelings elsewhere.<P>Gemini:Wow..I can only hope that my H could one day just say that out of the blue tp me, and not in the throws of intimacy or an areguement or even a discussion. It seems to come out when we are talking about the affair or our problems. He does do little things,like pick a rose from the garden and have one of the kids bring it to me, but I would love to see the emotion behind it all. But he is just not like that.<BR>I think you got Broken Wings and I mixed up...she is going back to school, so I can't take credit for that one! Also I look back at the post and i didn't mean to sound as if I thought my kids would be baggage . They are my lifeline...but it would kill me to think someone else could think that way.<BR>Thanks all for listening...<BR>NGU

NGU, I agree with the others that what you are going through is completely normal right now. My two year anniversary of D-day recently passed, and right now I can say I am a little further past this than last year, but I still have some awful moments. I too was pregnant with our third child when I found out about all of this, at age 35. I was so afraid that somehow, all my up and down emotions would have affected our baby. On one hand I was so in love with my H, and on the other, I HATED him for what he did to me. I also did the self blame thing. Please remember, though, that he had a duty to inform YOU first, if he wasn't getting enough of what he wanted in his marriage, instead of going off and getting it somewhere else. <P>My first anniversary of D-day was very emotional...actually the whole month around it was. Lots of "flashbacks" about that day. Sometimes, I feel like I should write it all down, before I truly block it from memory.<P>I have also felt the panic that you are feeling about wanting to start over again. I have wished that I could join the witness protection program and get a new life. I have fantasized about running away and getting amnesia and starting a new life far away, Like you, I still love my H, could not bear to see him with another H, would not want to do that to my children, would not want another woman raising them,...it all hurts no matter how you look at it. Up until VERY recently, because of my pain, I still thought about leaving him, and he could see it in my eyes and he has been very fearful. He knows, that if he does it again, I will be gone.<P>I don't know about you, but one of the hardest things for me to have accepted is that my H is human. I had him on a pedestal. He was EVERYTHING to me. He could do no wrong (except for being the occasional a**hole). I never in a million years would have thought that he would have betrayed me like this. I thought I married someone "better than the rest", but he is just a man, with all of our human failings. It's taken me a long time to accept that. He is so very sorry for having hurt me.<P>Of course, because of the OC, the betrayal hurts even more. The idea that my H has conceived a child with the OW is pure agony and I still am dealing with that angle too. The anger and bitterness I have at my H when I see money going to the OW/OC can really get me down. Have you gotten any counseling? I really needed that, so I could talk through some of this. Not to be a drug pusher or anything, but in the last month, I have started on an antidepressant and I can tell it's helping me already. I don't dwell or obsess on this contantly in my mind, and I wish I had started on them a year ago. They don't give you some type of happy or drugged up feeling......I guess just more of a calmer, level headedness when you do think about all of this, and without all the anxiety and panic. I wish you the best.

Dear NGU,<BR>Your name says it all. I read a great quote today by Van Crouch it said, "You're not finished when you're defeated, you're finished when you quit."<P>The devil is a subtracter and a divider. God adds and multiplies. The point is that God can take your "mustard seed love" and add to it and multiply it, but only as you are willing to let go of the things that choke out the seed. Things like fear and bitterness get in the way of God multiplying. Unforgiveness literally ties us to the thing.<P>Sometimes we just have to do things feeling afraid. Fear is there, but we can still step out in faith, not knowing all the answers. I guess that is basically what faith means--not knowing all the answers.<P>You still love your husband and he belongs to you, and he has proven that to you by staying with you. Perhaps you cannot get past what he has done, but God can help you. There are so many things we cannot do in our power or strength alone. We need God's help and we need to ask for it. Amazingly, when we are weak, God is strong. His strength is made perfect in our weakness so it's good to be weak!<P>Love is a decision that we can make and so is forgiveness. You may not feel the same way you did before the A or the OC, but you can't answer how much better things could/would be if you give up.<P>I think you should go ahead and feel the pain and let it out in your prayer closet and ask the Lord to help you approach your husband in a way he will understand and accept your feelings. I'm praying for you to be strong in the Lord.

NGU please try reading psalm 143. I couldn't get through it w/o tears at first. I still read it to this day. I find comfort in the words. I hope you will too.<BR>I know you didn't mean your children are baggage. Please enough hurt has happened. don't try to explain it. You have a right to feel anything.<BR>Try the psalm.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Hi all! Not a good day, or even the last few but hey, life goes on...today i was eating my dinner (Low-fat pringles...ad wanted a soda, so in making it I proceeded to pour my Diet Dr. Pepper in the can of pringles...oh well<BR>dacasarest:Yes, I too put him on a pedasal, but I guess my mistake was not continually showing that I still had him up there (Sorry, had a big fight tonite)To me he could do no wrong, and being the occasional a**hole was him reminding me of how great he knew he was (and he was great for/to me)<BR>BTDT: Part of your response reminded me of my favorite poems..."Footsteps". I think He is still carrying me...<BR>Gem 1: I will look into the psalm Thanks!<BR>NGU

NGU<P>i was reading your post and i feel so much of your pain that i wish i was there jsut to talk to you about it to get it off your chest..i too have so much confusion that i dont realize that H tells me that my mind is gone..I forget where i put things all the time..my mind is so preoccupied with this life event that soemtimes i am afraid that i can never go back until my mind is totally satisfied..i dont beleive it will be soon which scares me..there must be soem help out there somewhere but i just havent found it yet either..i sometimes think that offenders who cause this should be charged with mental abuse and go to jail just to learn a lesson..i dont know what its going to take to get me back or if that is even possible with the amount of times i go back and forth, but more back than forth..im terrified and i know you are too..I'll be praying for all of us that are facing this pain in ways that no one esle can understand..it hurts..it just hurts so much

Dear NGU:<BR>Im wondering if all of us have self-esteem issues duing this critical time of our live. From what Ive read from you, you have nothing to worry about. You have expressed thoughts and feelings I have, and probably we all have had. You sound very intelligent and articulate. I admire how you have taken this problem from point A to point B and thought things through very thoroughly. You can be certain that you will not be the type to make any hasty decisions. And when you finally decide what you want to do with your marriage, you know you will have done all that was in your power to do. Keep remining yourself that your husband has a great wife, and if you break up hes the one that loses.

NGU, I am not one of many words but, I want you to know that you are not alone. While reading your words, it felt like I was the one writing, I feel you pain. Please hang in there, if at first for the kids, I hope it gets better for every one of us