|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
I just found out about the OW and OC and at the same time found this site. H insist he still love be but I don't believe him. I can hardly sleep because of the pain and the anger. We tried counselling and for a while it seemed to be working but then I realized that I avoided my true feeling of pain and anger. It seem that I can not go past the anger, I still want to make this marriage work but I don't know how to deal with the pain and anger. Please help?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430 |
Ajike, I'm so sorry for your pain. How long has it been? Please read my post on recovery for newbies. Now is NOT(!!) the time to makke life-altering decisions in your life. Please read up on affair-recovery, continue counseling if you can (solo or couples, preferrably w/ experienced counselor!), and pretend like you're going to stay together until the newness wears off... Affairs take a long time to recover from. IF a year into this you still feel the need for D, reconsider then. Meanwhile, ride it out for awhile and read read read.<P>My 2cents,<BR>J in recovery 3 years
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 25
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 25 |
I understnad the pain that you are feeling. As someone recently told me: It's okay to be angry for now, but don't wallow in it - EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Like Jenny basically said, it just takes time. You have a lot to work through: No wife wants to think about having to deal with the anger, hurt and betrayl of an affair AND on TOP of THAT with the discovery that a child was conceived from it. You have a lot on your plate. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! Keep coming here and keep rading. Above all, pray for strength and for guidance so that you are able to think clearly and make the best decision(s) for YOU (and your children - if there are any). BLESS YOU.<P>PEACE to all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 447
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 447 |
Dear Ajike,<P>Jenny has great advice. I am 10 months past finding out about my husband's A and child. I promise that it does get better. We still have issues and work to do on our marriage but things are improving.<P>How old is the child? Has your H stopped all contact with OW?<P>Please read the materials that the Harley's have posted on this site and seek out all kinds of reading on affairs and recovery.<P>I am sorry to have to welcome you to this board, but I hope that you will find it as comforting as I did to learn that you are not the only one going through this.<P>Mrs. Job
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
Thanks everyone, it nice to know that there are people out there who feel exactly the way I feel. I found almost 3 months ago and the OC is about 6 months now. The painful part here is that H did while I was 8 months pregnant with his daughter. Sometimes when I express my anger, he tries to make me feel its my fault, b'cos I was not giving him S enough at 8 month into my pregnancy. Once again thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430 |
Ajike, may I be pissed off on your behalf? <P>For your H to blame your pregnancy for his affair is IMMATURE!! That is a love-buster on top of the love-buster of the affair! A mature guy should take his needs "in hand" when his wife is unable to "perform". Pregnancy and having a young baby is a stress for both members of a couple and I know can add to the conditions under which an affair might happen, but it's not an EXCUSE for adultery!! Marriage vows are "for better or for worse", not just when your partner can have sex.<P>UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. Can you guys get counseling?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
Thanks Jenny, I was beginning to think its my fault whenever he gets angry when the subject come up. Its good to know that what I am going through is normal. We are going to try counselling again, my trouble now is I make it through most of the day but when the kids fall asleep it feels terribly lonely and I can't sleep (maybe I should start sleeping during the day)<P>Once again, thanks Jenny.<P>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430 |
Ajike, not being able to sleep during stress this bad is normal. Napping with the baby's not bad! Did you read my hints for newbies? PLEASE get one of the affair-recovery books, like Dr. Harley's or After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring. If you and H both follow the ideas in the book, you'll be so much better off. Not all counselors are good at affair issues; we were very lucky with ours. You can also call the Harleys for phone counseling. K knows the number...<P>Best wishes,<BR>J<P>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
Thanks Jenny, I'll check the books out.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303 |
Dear Ajike,<BR>I don't know if you have had a chance to subscribe to and read Steve Harley's most recent newsletter, but at the very end, there was a quote that I think might help put things into perspective re: your husband blaming you for his affair. I have to paraphrase because I don't have the newsletter with me, but basically he said that people don't choose to have affairs because their needs are not being met, it's because they fail to protect themselves from their own weaknesses. (something like that...)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 104
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 104 |
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenny:<BR><B>Ajike, I'm so sorry for your pain. How long has it been? Please read my post on recovery for newbies. Now is NOT(!!) the time to makke life-altering decisions in your life. Please read up on affair-recovery, continue counseling if you can (solo or couples, preferrably w/ experienced counselor!), and pretend like you're going to stay together until the newness wears off... Affairs take a long time to recover from. IF a year into this you still feel the need for D, reconsider then. Meanwhile, ride it out for awhile and read read read.<P>My 2cents,<BR>J in recovery 3 years </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you, this is great advice, I'll keep reminding myself of this.<BR>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
It makes a lots of difference to know that there are several people out there who is going what I'm going through. Before coming to this site it felt like I had the greatest problem in the world, but sharing and communicating with you guys makes it a little better.<P>Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430 |
When I arrived here years ago I was absolutely SWIMMING in pain from H's affair. People here lifted me up, gave me hope, comfort, advise. I love to do the same for those whose pain is fresh. I'm glad I am where I am today. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) Thanks for letting me know I helped.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 7 |
You were a great help Jenny. God Bless your kind soul.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
525
guests, and
126
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,503
Members71,977
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
