I just found out that my sister-in-law (my husband's sister) has been having an affair for four years. Four years!!! Her husband is one of the best people we know. I think he should know. (He probably does know and is just trying to hang in there and make it work or until his high school age children are out of the house.) I don't want to be viewed as someone who was supporting her behavior by staying silent. But a lot more people know about this than she believes.

She is out town on business. Should we wait for her return and then talk to her? Should we let her know that many more people know about this than she think? Should we telle her to tell him or someone else will? How about just minding our own business?

My husband and I are besides ourselves and very sad. Please help!

Hi diverDan,

I'm new to this forum. I found out about it on the MLC'rs forum. But back to your question. I would say a definate and resounding YES, he should be told. By looking the other way, you're essentailly condoning her rotten behavior. I know that many times we don't want to rock the boat, but dishonesty is dishonesty. Lies of ommision are just as dishonest as lying to someones face.
If it's true that he already knows about it, which I seriously doubt (as Rhett Butler said, "The husband is always the last to know"), then you will find that out, and at least you won't be participating in the deceipt. He has probably noticed something at least, and thinks he's just a controlling/crazy [censored] for what he feels is wrong. Thats no way for the poor soul to live.

Also, it could be dangerous physically for him, due to STD's, so if he doesn't know, he should. I sure as hell would want to know.

Just my 2 cents,

- Hawkeye

Diver Dan,

Basically, I would be careful with tinkering with something that is apparently working. It is admirable that you are upset about this, and it is important to support your husband in whatever steps he feels he needs to take. You probably want to be on record with your husband that you want to avoid supporting teh continuation of your sister's unfairness.

How likely is it that her husband will find out? What do you feel are your eithical duties? Did you plant to talk to her to ask her to stop the affair? Are the emotional ties stronger with the husband or the Lover? Can you leave this for your brother, your husband, to handle? What might be the negative ramifications of disclosure? What are the emotional needs that the Other Man is supplying, that your sister in law seems to be missing in her marriage? Are there any suggestions you could give to your brother-in-law?

How often do you ordinarily run into, or visit, with your sister and brother-in law? Who in the family has good influence over your sister-in law?

Have her husband read The Love Diet. Can you think of a way to get him to read it? Can you have your husband's sister give it to her husband? Holiday Season is coming, how about a book as a gift to your brother in law?

It is a sin to commit adultery, but the other part that is less obvious in the Bible, is athat it is unwise to fail to give your wife key moments of attention. Song of Solomon in the old testament gives a flavor of that wisdom.

Print it out The LKove Diet, or get the book. That is the first thing. The Link is at the bottom of the 180 Degree Divorce Busters, under Negotiating Category, posted by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN.

I will copy the first few paragraphs of ht epost to get you interested.

quote:
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From Barbara DeAngelis book "What Women Want Men To Know":

The Love Diet: How To Feed Your Partner's Heart.

This is the "Love Diet". I've created it as an easy way to remember and practice feeding your partner's heart and being a wonderful lover outside of the bedroom. It's simple, it's fun, and it will make a big difference in your relationship.

When you study nutrition, you learn about the basic food groups -vegetables, grains, proteins, dairy products- and the importance of having each of these every day. Well, the emotional nutrition is the same -feeding your partner's heart means making sure you give him or her all of the basic "emotional food groups" each day. What are these? I call them The Three A's: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. They are the secret ingredients contained in the Love Diet that will fill up your partner's heart: You pay attention, you show affection, and you express appreciation.

If I asked you right now how often you need to eat every day, you'd probably answer that you need to eat at least two or three times a day, with a few snacks in between. Well, I'd like you to think about feeding your partner's heart in the same way with the following Love Diet.

*Love Meals: Your partner needs three Love Meals a day. What is a Love Meal? It's a time each day for three minutes when you feed your partner's heart with one or more of the menu items contained in the Three A's: Attention, Affection, or Appreciation. I call this the 3X3 formula, three times a day, when you choose to actively love your partner for at least three minutes. Think about it as three minutes of intimacy. Maybe it is three minutes in the morning together before you get out of bed,or three minutes on the phone in the middle of the day, or three minutes after the kids go to sleep. These are Love Meals. Just like you'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you have Love Meal#1,#2,and #3!!

*Love Snacks: Even when you eat several good meals a day, you need a snack once in a while, don't you? Well, the same applies to feeding your partner's heart. Along with the 3X3 formula of three Love Meals a day, give your mater several love snacks during the day. What is a love snack?:


Quipper,
husband of 28 years, raised 2 kids, still struggling

Diver

I wouldn't (and haven't) let a family member get away with this for a minute. Nobody benefits by letting it go on. Blowing the whistle can obviously cause some problems but hey, right is right.