This is for those of you that have decided to be a part of your oc's life:<BR>I previously stated that I refused to allow myself to be referred to as this baby’s stepmother. I still feel the same way, but I will most certainly refer to myself as just that, a step mother….the reason why???<P>There’s an act called the ‘Grand parents visitation act/right’. This act/statute provides for grandparents/step parents to hav legal visitation with their grandchild/step child, or a child they’ve developed a significant bond with. In short, it protects both the child and the older adult that has shared in a deep bond. I’ll spin a what-if tale for you:<BR>What if you and your spouse decide to be a part of this child’s life? What if this child’s biological mother has a problem with it, but is complying out of fear of legal ramification? What happens to those parental/father rights if God forbid something disastrous happens? If your spouse dies, how will the visitation and custody agreement be carried out? Will you rely on the kindness of the xow to allow you to maintain contact with the child? What if by then you have children of your own and would like for them to maintain contact with their half/sibling? You think he/she would try to assume the responsibility of maintaining this child’s relationship with their paternal grandparents/father’s family? It seems far-fetched, but who 'woulda thunk' we’d be on this message board all those years/months ago when we said our I Dos?<P>I think that would be yet another invasion into my life that I wouldn’t need from this person I wish I could forget? I can imagine her at family reunions, graduations, anniversaries etc. <P>Simply put, think about protecting yourself and your family’s future. Don’t actively relinquish the power and authority that is inherent in being a wife, and matriarch of your own family.<P>o.k….I have control issues, but this is not the time to resolve them.<P>

I have issues that stems from a smilar line of thought but a different twist. I have recently asked my H about seeing a lawyer regarding a will. We really do need to do it, even without this mess, for our own kids...but I wonder what his wishes are in incorporating a child that he has shown no interest in or desire to see. He has no emotional bond with the baby. And I resent every red cent that goes out every month. He hasn't answered my question yet.We really have alot on our plate right now, but I know he is thinking about it and agrees we need to set it up.<BR>I wonder what the rights are of a step-parent from a situation such as ours...You would hope that if there is such a bond and the step-parent wants to continue to be in the childs life, and it is a rewarding experience for all, then the OW should support that. But from the stories I have heard...it sadly may not be the case.

This is a good point of discussion & something I have thought about too. My friends / family cant imagine that I would even want anything to do with the Oc, so its hard to talk about concerns. I feel very stongly that a father should be a part of his childs life. Physical presence, emotional support, as well as financial. I found out @ OC the same time as I did about the A. From day one I realized that if I wanted to stay with my H, the OC would be a part of the package. At that time he didnt even know what he wanted as far as the OC went, but I know his so well fter 25 yrs. that I knew, given the time to think @ things he could never turn his back on his own child. His OC is due any day and will be born in another state, so our access will be limited. But we intend to do what we can to establish a relationship with child. We have not gone the legal route yet. Paternity hasnt been done yet, and we intend to wait until it is before seeing child. But if it is confirmed we want visitation. Right now the OW says she's agreeable, but that could change at any time. She has a H of her own that she went back to after D day. They have 2 kids of their own, we dont know even what her H knows about my H and his desire to be a part of OC's life. She says it is none of our business. She will not deal with me at all, and has spoken to me begrugingly when I have forced her to. She speaks w/ my H @ once a week @ pregnancy. I love kids and feel I can be a loving step mother to this child. If I do develop a bond with OC, it would hurt me deeply to be cut off from contact if something happened to my H. Right now I dont think OW would hurt my H this way. But I feel pretty confident she would care-less about my feelings. My H doesnt really want to go the legal route because the OW "is such a nice person, she would never withhold OC from us" I think this is foolishness. What has worked for others of you out there?

I figure that if I go through the process of bonding with oc and introducing my children to her, I have the right to continue the relationship in the event of my h's death. If that ever happened, I would probably petition for visitation rights on behalf of my children, who are oc's half-brothers. In addition, at some point in the game, h and I will have a will drawn up that names me legal guardian on his behalf if anything like that would occur. I am not at all sure of the legalities of it all yet, but Couple of reasons is really good with stepparent laws. Maybe she'll chime in with some of the latest statistics.<BR>-cd

heart of hope,<P>IF XOW AND her H wish to raise the OC as their own and for you and your H to "stay out of it", I hope that you and your H will respect that. You could check state law but I think legally (and practically) her H will be the father unless they divorce or different paternity is established in the first 2 years. Morally, many of us think marriages should come first. There are men on this board raising a child fathered by a XOM and NONE of them I can remember want the XOM involved with their child. WHY would they want their wife's 'affairee' to be continually involved in their family life?!?! YUUUCK!!!! After all, they are trying to recover from the affair too! What good would it do the child to have another family involved, a different father from their siblings? Unless abuse/neglect is in OC's family, I think contacting an intact family is selfish on his part. Your H could be open to contact if OC wants it later or needs medical info, such that you could keep XOW informed of your family's whereabouts, but not initiate other contact. If knowing his child is okay is really important to your H, maybe XOW could send you/him a yearly update such as occurs in some open adoptions. I often think of our situation like an adoption: occassional update, notice if move, period! <P>As for XOW not wanting to deal with you at all, SHE is in the wrong. Contact between former affairees is dangerous for both families.<P>Sorry if I offend, but I honestly believe these are healthier guidelines. Godbless you and yours.<P>That said, I do agree that any existing healthy emotional bond with a child should be respected and it's nice that the grandparent/stepparent law exists. Matthew, I still love the idea of 'godmother' <P>J, in recovery 3 years

back up for HofH... I really hope she(you) sees what I said and considers it with her H. I think it is a different situation when the XOW is married (and her H accepts Oc) then when she's not.

M6 (hey, that's the name of a famous highway in England),<P>You raise a good point. I had never really thought of that. I assume that if the bonds are already formed, ie OC has spent summers with us, met H's family and my family that I will by then be over any of the last discomfort of this situation. I assume that exOW would allow the visitations to continue in the best interst of OC. I sort of doubt that she would allow OC to continue coming to me, but I assume she would allow her to continue to see Mr. Job's family.<P>MJ