My husband is a terrific man most of the time. He's the kind of person everyone loves, but I know the side of him that makes it hard for me to love him as I should. He is a liar. He tells lies of all kinds -- most of the time it's over things he has bought. He makes up a story about how he got it, because he doesn't want to admit that he spent our money on it. He also tells lies that get him attention -- things like our children being injured greater than they were, or people he has met, or accidents he has seen. Pretty much any time he is telling me a "story," I have to assume it's a lie, or at least a gross exaggeration of the truth.

I really don't know how to deal with it. To make it more difficult, he works for our church in a trusted position. It's difficult to get help, because I don't want to jeopardize his position and future. I don't know how to tell him that I know he is lying. I am looking for others who may have dealt with the same behavior.

Hi LfA,

My H got into the habit of lying to cover his SA. During recovery, I'd catch him in stupid, little lies. He said it just became habit, to avoid even little conflicts (he didnt do the bragging/exaggerating lies).

For me, and he agreed, I started to call him on every single one. He has a 20 second window to say, 'ooops, I'm sorry, I'd like to take that back' with out any repercussions from me! He did break the habit, but he DID really want to do it, for himself too. Does your H admit he has a problem with lying? - Dru

i would suggest asking your husband about anything you suspect of as being a lie. if there is something you know of as being an absolute lie, then ask him why he did lie about it. in many cases, withholding a small amount of the information can be benificial, but to tell a bold face lie can sometimes be detrimental. talk to your husband about this issue and let him know you are aware of it.

Dear Mrs. Looking,

As Dean 790 pointed out, there are different types of lies. A book that describes different ways people choose in "Handling the Truth" is Science of Survival, by L. Ron Hubbard, $55.00.

One common type is the bald faced lie, often the opposite of the truth.

There are embellishing lies, which are minor exagggerations.

There are the polite lies, which are made with the motivation of not hurting the other person.

The most difficult type of liar for me, personally, is the Covert Hostility lie, which is the artful incorporation of innuendo and fact, to make other people seem evil and untrustworthy.

It seems that your husband is not the worst type of liar.

One time, I was 16, and I was working for an auto mechanic, and the auto mechanic told a customer that the compression in once cylinder was say 60 pounds. I blurted out, that that was not true, that it was 80 pounds. The other cylinders were about 110-120 pounds. The mechanic said, "I was deliberately exaggerating to make a point that there is a problem with his engine, that should be repaired." The customer decided upon making the repair, and a bad valve was found. I looked a little foolish.

You might counsel your husband gently, and privately, on how he might have told something closer to the truth about this or about that. Your husband will probably take your counseling in good spirits. If he coes not, then post back, and we'll see what he has said, and what that might mean.

Best wishes,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still stuggling