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Joined: Feb 2001
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Reading the posts about the alternative to "step-parent" got me thinking... My h and I are having a serious problem and are at a loss right now for any good solutions. The oc has had visitation with our family for many months but refers to call my husband anything but by his first name. He refuses to all him "dad" and states that his mother will not allow him to and he also states she told him she does not like it and not to do it. We can only imagine all the other horrible things she has told the oc about his father. We are trying are best to include him in our family and make him feel comfortable and welcome. It took over a year to get visitation and the ow fought us and still continues to fight and look for any reason for the oc not to be with our family. We are going back to court soon to try to get an extension to the small block of time we spend with the oc once a week. My son, seven years old, has even gotten into a few debates with the oc as to why he calls my h by his first name, and my younger child 2 years old, has started calling her dad, by his first name. It is not so important that the oc call my h dad, other than the fact that he says he is not allowed, and seems so scared to do it. He has even slipped a couple of times and called him dad, and then corrected himself. It is so sad to see this child so confused, he is going to be six years old soon and seems so immature for his age. Our lawyer has addressed it in the court papers so I am hoping that it will be discussed in court. Any suggestions as to what we as a family can do or say to oc to help him feel better about the situation his mother has created and the ill feelings she is trying to instill in her child's head. She has even gone so far as to tell the oc that the baby she is preganant with is his real sibling and my children are not as much of a brother and a sister. Gabi1116<p>[This message has been edited by gabi1116 (edited August 12, 2001).]

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Gabi unfortunately there are somany women on this board i get them mixed up. Is the ow married to or living with a man that is being a dad to the oc? If so i can maybe see why the ow is pushing oc to call bioliogical father by first name. If not then there is NO reason why oc shouldn't call biological father dad.

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Whatif, The ow is living with the father of the child she is currently prganant with, however the oc calls him uncle, and he has two children by a previous marriage that he calls his cousins. How confusing and odd is that. An uncle is not the title a person should have, who is sleeping with the oc's mother. The ow is not married to the father of her unborn child, but she just recently moved out of her parent,s house and the oc, ow and the boyfriend all live together now. We have been trying for a little under two years to get visitation and have been grated it and have spent time with the oc for several months now. We are doing our best to include the oc as part of our family, because we want him to be, it is the oc's mother who has always tried for no contact, and btw we pay over 400.00 a month in cs. Our children look forward to the weekly visit with their sibling. I just feel for all the children and do not want the constant confusion of the roles we all have within the family unit. I hope in time as the children all grow and mature a better understanding will develop. Thanks for your interest. Peace, Gabi1116

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We have visitation and phone contact. OC calls my husband "Daddy." Well, she is still just learning to talk (15 months old) and it comes out "DaDa."<P>MJ

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gabi,<BR>how rotten for XOW to abuse the boy's mind!<BR> <BR>How about "Papa" for stepdad?? Others have and it might get his mom off his back. I guess you can only keep (gently) to the facts in front of the kids, esp. the ones that live with you. Just because XOW's confusing the OC with these weird terms doesn't mean you have to play along! My kids are just 2 and 8 but I've introduced the ideas of "biological" "half" "step" and "adoption" to them; I know the 8yo understands them and even the almost-3yo gets some of it.

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Jenny, It is not the step-dad and what the oc calls him that the xow is on the oc's back about, it is what his bio-father my h is called by the oc. The xow insists he only call him by his first name. Thanks for you thoughts, peace, Gabi1116

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gabi,<BR>Oops! My apologies! I meant for biodad; I got the idea from a friend whose kids call their stepdad papa. However, it sounds like you could only make headway on this as a legal issue! Yuck! So sorry!

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Gabi..<P>Even though the OC is not a mature six year old, I think he would still be able to understand an explanation something like this:<P>"Honey, your Dad is your Dad. When you are here in our home, your home with us, you have our permission to call your dad "Dad". It is OK with us and we want you to, if you want to. You do not have to call your Dad "Dad" when you are home with Mom. Just know we love you and we want you to be happy and not to worry about names or what you have to call someone...here in this house, you call your Dad whatever you want to. It is safe to call him "dad" here."<P>And leave the ball in his court. Let him know that whatever he is comfortable is OK with the two of you and he does not have to worry about you telling his Mom...not that it is a secret, just that what goes on in your home is your business and no one elses.<P>That poor kid, Gabi...how absolutely rotten and evil of his unfit mother who messes with that little boys mind. Shame on her. I'm so sorry.<P>Personally, I would not accept anything other than Dad because that is who he is and deserves the title...after all, he is stepping up to the plate, paying his blood money and you are behind him, supporting him all the way. Your OW sounds like cd's OW. Emotinally abusive selfish women...ugh.<P>You are stellar, Gabi...stay strong.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

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Catnip,<P>Glad to see you around these parts. I respectfully disagree with your idea. As a kid, my parents divorced and my mother remarried. She insisted that we call our stepfather "Papa." The problem with that is that we called our father "Daddy" but would constantly confused things and come out with the wrong name for the wrong person. I was horrified when I called my "Daddy" "Papa." I cried and cried for getting the names wrong. I loved my stepfather but didn't want to have to call him any names that I saw as some sort of threat to my father's place in our lives. <P>I really like the idea behind what you said, but I think that OC would slip on accident around his mother and is liable to be punised for it. I think it would be much better for the adults in this case to work it out between them so that OC doesn't get caught in the middle. You might have to use a mediator to get the issue settled.<P>Just my 2 rubles,<BR>MJ

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Well, Mrs. Job, you're right. There should be a mediator involved to work out the differences and to encourage that mother to acquiesce for the good of her child. However, Gabi's husband is not the step-father, he is the bio dad...not uncle shack up.<P>I certainly agree that the time has come to involve court and mediators to iron this out...what that woman is doing to that child is absolutely unconscionable.<P>Catnip =^^=

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Catnip, thank you so much for your reply. You are so right on the money with your description of the oc's mother. We have tried the encourging words you suggested to the oc. He always insists that he knows, but that is mom says she does not like it. Today he was a little better, but not much. My h swears she must hit him or something if he refers to him as dad at home by accident. Our court date is very soon so I am hopeful that things will get ironed out then. I have a close friend that works for child's services, but she is in a different county than we are, she feels that things are not right at the oc's home and the mom is way out of line. I think I am going to speak to her about getting the office she works for, but the one in our county involved, I may wait until after our court appearance. We even have a father's day card that the oc made in school with the word dad crossed out and my h's first name written in included in the court motion. Thanks so much for your kind words and guidence, as always it is greatly appreciated. Prayers of peace and happiness go out to you each day from me. Gabi1116

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I didn't mean that Gem's husband was like uncle shack-up. He is the father and is taking on that role. I think it is unconscienable that exOW is playing such mind games with OC. It is obvious that the little guy wants to call Mr. Gem "Dad" and that it is just the exOW interferring. I just didn't want to see LittleOne get in trouble. It would be too easy to for him to slip and say "Dad" in front of her if that is what he is calling Mr. Gem during visitation. Then there would be hell for him to pay. I think that there may be abuse in that house.<P>Does anyone see a pattern here? exOW screams for unholy amounts of child support and involvement of the bio-Dad (our husbands). When they get what they asked for (although it includes the presence of wife and any children of the marriage) they suddenly can't stand it.<P>Our exOW is not so bad. She really seems to have best interest of OC in mind. It is just that my presence is too much for her to handle. I hope she gets better and moves on with her life.<P>MJ

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Mrs. Job, Actually it is Mr. Gabi not Mr. Gem that we were discussing. Anyway, as far as Uncle shackup, the ow has the oc call the man she is living with Uncle. That is sick, why would a guy that his mom is sleeping with be called uncle. The oc has to real uncles, so is this message saying it is okay to sleep with brothers. The girl is sick, that is a fact, hopefully the judge will set it all right at our next court date. Gabi1116


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