ok, I screwed up big time in big ways. I need help with this because I am really confused and scared and literally sick to my stomach over what I have done.
I am 31 years old and have been married to my beautiful wife for just over 5 years. We have a 3 year old son who is the love of my pathetic life.
I have made two big mistakes in the past two years:
1. I had a semi-sexual relationship with a girl from work (just writing it makes me sick) that was brief and awkward. I hated myself every minute that I spent with her and yet I allowed it to happen.
2. I had an ongoing emational relationship with my ex-girlfriend from high school and we finally ended up seeing each other one afternoon. We kissed, hugged and cried, but thankfully no sex or anything.
Well, my wife found out about the old girlfriend and we came so close to divorce over it that I can't explain in words just how close we came. We cried for weeks, i beat my head against the wall and she slapped me several times through the tears (which i most certainly deserved).
I have been in constant prayer over this, have admitted my emotional affair and have asked forgiveness for my foolishness. We are doing better than ever and I swear to all who read this that my lesson has been learned and I will never ever make a mistake like this again. I am so in love with my wife and it pains me so much that I hurt her in any way.
My question is, after all that we have been through, after all that I have put her through, do I need to go back and tell her about the girl from my old job? I know that if I do, I will lose my family for sure. I know that you guys can't understand what I mean, but take my word for it, I will. We are doing great now and want to have another baby so much. We are going to start trying soon. What do I do? Can I put the past behind me, secure that God has forgiven my sins? Or am I obligated to tell her everything, details and all and lose everything. I really want to live a good clean life and be the best husband and father that I can be. So where do I go from here? Please help me!!!

Oh, tough spot... no easy answers...
Well, as many have testified to here, the lie of omission is a lie just as much as the lie told. I would have to say you need to tell your wife. You know it's going to eat away at your conscience until you do, unless you smother it until your conscience is too seared. But these things have a way of coming to light eventually, especially, I believe, if you're a christian who's trying to do right and please the Lord, He's going to make you deal with it one way or another... at least that has been the case for my husband and I in our marriage.
She will undoubtedly be hurt and angry, and she may even leave... the Harleys have some really good stuff on surviving an affair, something that I never would have thought possible before hearing Dr. Harley on the radio...
It may be possible to win her back even after she leaves... she may even be willing to forgive more than you (or even she) thinks she is capable of, I know I found out I was...
My husband had a bit of an EA, nothing sexual there, but the sexual line was crossed in the privacy of our own home with a long term pornography addiction, it hurt like nothing I've ever been hurt with before, and I could tell you a sob story or two (couldn't we all?) it was a serious crisis, I almost left, but we started talking more than ever, started being accountable to each other and really communicating, and as mind-boggling as it is to me, our marriage has been better the past six months than the entire first six years, he would say the same too...
All that was just to say that after the initial shock wears off, she MAY be able to forgive and move on, better than ever... but you need to tell her, at least, that's my 2 cents' worth

Dear Big Old Sinner,

Raz points out the advantages of revealing the indiscretion. MB makes a big deal of RH radical honesty.

My wife asked me a question about honesty. I told her that I work to avoid doing anything that I would be tempted to keep secret from her. My wife got real quiet.

If anything comes to mind that I would try to keep secret from my wife, I try to figure a way around doing it, or fifgureing out how to get her support.

Now, once something is in the past, that becomes a different story.

Asked wether he had ever committed adultery, he answered, "That is my wife's job to figure out that answer. It's my job to try to be as faithful as I possibly can be"

If you need more support keeping your secret, post back.

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>