This is really hard for me and I hope that this forum can help. I could probably be considered a very terrible person for the things that I have done. I could really use an understanding ear free of judgement at this point as I have been very judgemental towards myself. Here's my situation...<BR>I have been married to my husband for about 4 years now. After our first year of marriage, I decided to leave him. We had alot of problems and I was unwilling to work them out at the time because I felt that the grass would be greener on the other side. I was 21 at the time. During our time of seperation, I met a guy, we'll call him "Joe", and we had a brief relationship. I ended up going back with my husband to work on our problems and had explained to "Joe" and he was very supportive and understanding. We have since moved to another state. <BR>In July 2000, I ended up running into "Joe" again when I was back in town. We ended up sleeping together that night. A month later I found out I was pregnant. I am 85% sure that it is "Joe's" child. At first I was not sure so I never pursued the issue. Again, I ran into "Joe" and he stated that he heard that I had a baby and asked if it is his. I told him that there is a probability that it is. He said that if I wanted to find out for sure, that he would be willing to test. After thinking about it, I decided that I want to know for sure. My husband has no idea of any of this. I have been talking to "Joe" about this and he wants to know as well. He also said that if my son is his, that he wants to be part of his life. <BR>My problem is, I need to know what to do. I want to do what's best first and foremost for my son. I do not want to leave my husband and I don't want to tell him what I have done. To me it seems that what he doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm not sure he would want to know. I also don't want to change in his mind the way he feels about his "son". I don't want to hurt any of our family as well. My son is loved very much and I don't want to do anything that is going to hurt him in the end. My husband and I don't have the greatest relationship, but I am willing to just stay and suck it up so that I don't end up hurting anyone. My husband would be devastated to say the least. Not to mention the fact that he has had violent tendencies in the past. <BR>This is where I am really stuck. Is there a "right" thing to do in this situation? It's like a double-edged sword. Not to mention the tremendous amount of guilt and depression I feel every minute of the day and the fear for my son if the truth surfaces. In my mind, sometimes I think it would just be better to leave things the way they are and not go through with the paternity test. But then I think about the future and if "Joe" is my son's father and it comes out, how is that going to affect my son? If anyone out there has been in a situation like this or can offer any advice, please respond. Thank you.

Guilty01:<P>My wife had an child by her OM (that damn Joe---he really gets around... ). So I've been in a similar situation.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do not want to leave my husband and I don't want to tell him what I have done. To me it seems that what he doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm not sure he would want to know.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No kidding---who'd want to tell about this mess. But it's the wrong answer. You MUST tell your husband. Your marriage doesn't have much of a prayer as it stands, and if you don't come clean, the chances of success are going to be lower. The OM knows---and he will make trouble for you.<P>The very first step you must take is to find a safe place to tell your husband. I think the phone counseling provided by MarriageBuilders is terrific (appts are 888-639-1639). But you may need to coordinate this with a local counselor, because you have a definite safety issue to deal with.<P>But your husband MUST know. After he deals with the shock---and I'd give him at least a month---you can begin to make decisions TOGETHER using the Policy of Joint Agreement concerning what to do about the marriage. What to do about the OM. What to do about the child.<P>You've already made several "mistakes" in handling this situation. You've had an affair (#1). You became pregnant (#2). You told OM (#3). And your husband doesn't have a clue (#4). I had to deal with the first three. It's not impossible to save a marriage---but if you don't have truth, you'll never have an opportunity to do it.<P>I'll urge you to tell him. Have him come to this site for support. The two of you are going to really need to learn some good marriage skills to get through this---it's time to get started.<P>And no more contact with the OM. He already knows too much.<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited August 13, 2001).]

Thanks K for your input. Are you and your wife still together? When you look at the situation, would everything have been better if you didn't know? I think about it, and if it were me, I would not want to know. At the same time though, I can't help but feel like the victim. Like I did this to get back at everyone for hurting me. But it seems that I ended up hurting myself and my son the most. <BR>Right before I had run into "Joe", my husband and I had a big fight. I had gone out with a girlfriend and didn't tell my H where I was going. Our night out was completely innocent, I just didn't want to tell my H because he doesn't like me going out without him. Needless to say he found out about it when I was pulled over by the police on the side of the road and he drove by. To make a long story short, I had ended up going to the hospital over it because the whole arguement escalated and he grabbed me by the neck too hard. <BR>Part of my infidelity was to get back at him for that. And now when he treats me bad, I just think of that and for some strange reason allows me to tolerate a situation that I would otherwise leave. There is so much more to this story and it is a sad one. I just hope that there is a happy ending in sight. Thanks for listening.

Gulity01:<P>An old copy of my story is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000143.html" TARGET=_blank>here on Francis' thread</A>. <P>To answer your questions, yes---we're still together and doing much better in our marriage. I had no choice but "knowing", because my wife conceived the OM's baby while we were separated, and I hadn't had sex with her for a long time.<P>You're in an unhappy marriage right now. Part of that is your own making, no doubt. And part of it is your husband's. Things are not going to get better by ignoring the situation. You're not going to be able to tolerate another 20 years of crappy treatment of him, because of the horrible thing you did. And God forbid that he finds out about his son's parentage from the OM---talk about a horrible shock.<P>You need to be honest with one another and start from there. Frankly, if your husband wanted to divorce you---I could see encouraging it (and I never encourage people to divorce). If you have no love for him---and he has no love for you---AND you feel that the OM and you would have a shot---with no other children involved, it'd be tempting. If you and your husband divorce now, he'll be stuck with a CS payment for a child who isn't biologically his. That's not very fair, in the scheme of things.<P>The first taskk would be for the two of you to decide if you want to be married. If you both decided to give it a shot---I'd urge the MB counseling. You would learn how to take each other's feelings into account, and to make decisions involving each other---using the Policy of Joint Agreement as the framework. You'd decide whether or not to have anything to do with the OM. You'd decide whether or not to go through with paternity testing. Whether to pursue child support from the OM. These are all very complicated issues that can really kill a marriage---or they can provide an opportunity to build a marriage to something magnificant.<P>It can be done. It's not easy. It will take time, effort, and complete honesty with your spouse. When children are involved, I think it's really worth it. I had two children when my wife's affair happened. I now have the joy of raising three. That was my decision, and my wife's. You two are going to have to make your own decisions---but you better do it together.<P>I'd also suggest that you read one of Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Q&A's dealing with pregnancies from affairs</A>. It should help you gain some perspective.

I agree with K, tell you H and proceed from there.<P>If he is infact able and willing to forgive you and accept this child as his own, regardless of DNA, you should contact OM and tell him you had DNA done with your H and it's his... and then "goodbye forever". Who cares if it's a lie. You family unit is most important. Consider OM a sperm donor and move on without him.<P>Just my opinion...<P>Perhaps more veterans in this situation like Tigger or Obratti will be along soon.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I appreciate all of your replies. Right now I am still undecided as what I am going to do. This is one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make because it affects many people's lives. All I can do is hope that I make the right decision and that everyone is ok. It's so sad because this is so Jerry Springer material. I can't thank you enough for sharing your situations. I'll keep you posted as the drama unfolds.

Dear Guilty,<P>As painful as the situation is, it is your H's right to know what you suspect. K is one of our longest standing experts on this board and Zebra has experienced a great deal. Please listen to them.<P>My H has an ex-OW/OC. In the beginning, he told me that he wanted no contact, but then behind my back he established contact and was seeing the child for a few years. One of the things that made me angriest was the fact that he took away my freedom of choice. Since this is a marriage, we both have a 50/50 responsibility and share in what happens in it. <P>At the time, I did not want to live with contact. So, he took my ability to make a choice about how I wanted to live away from me by sneaking around behind my back.<P>Things are now doubly complicated in your case because you have told the OM. And, K is so, so right. If the OM tells your H that will make it all the more difficult for you to mend your marriage. If I had heard the news about the OC from a gloating woman who had slept with my H, I don't think that we would have been able to repair our marriage.<P>But, I am one of the people on this forum who has been in recovery for a long time. There are still many rough spots -- you don't get over it completely. But my marriage is stronger and I think we have conquered some pretty difficult feelings and set ourselves back on course.<P>Please give your H the respect he deserves. I know how hard it must be for you to tell him, but if you explain it to him the way you did to us, and if you re-assure him that the OM is out of your life for good, then you have a really good chance of making it work.<P>As for your son, your H has lived with this boy since he was born. He has been there for him when he was sick, rocked him to sleep, kissed him good morning. Remind him of what fatherhood is really about. The sperm was the easy part. The bonding, loving and caring -- that is what makes him the daddy.<P>Good luck to you, Guilty. I will be praying for you.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

Dear Guilty1,<P>Well, I am a woman who has had a child(around the same time you did) that was a result from an A. I have been both the betrayor and the betrayed in our 12 year marriage. My H and I are still together, and OM doesn't know of the baby. Hopefully he will never know, because H and I decided, together, to raise Abbi as our own. See, H had a vasectomy about 7 years ago, so the possibility is just about 99.9% that it is not my H's by blood. But, she is his in EVERY other way, just as it is for K. Obviously, since OM doesn't know in our situation, it was an easier decision not to tell him. Some have said that I should tell OM so that I could get the medical background, but I figure that if anything comes up, we will deal with the problem at that time. It isn't ALWAYS necessary to know if a certain medical condition runs in a family now-a-days. The biggest thing that I can think of is for stuff like bone marrow transplants.<P>Now that I have given you a little of our background, I will add my 2 cents worth. I agree that you HAVE to tell your H. Having been on both sides of this coin, it is better, in the long run, to know what happened. Not necessarily the details, just that it did happen. Why? Because, then it is very obvious that there IS a problem, and you can start to work on the solution, if you both agree that your marriage is worth saving. If that is what you both agree on, then take K's advice and get the counseling. If you can't afford the phone counseling, then ask them for a referal, or list of those counselors who agree/use the Harley's principles.<P>You definately HAVE to cut ALL contact w/OM now!! If you truly love your H, and want your M to work, it can't include the OM as a regular on the scene. It is totally up to you and H if you want to have OM involved in your S's life. You could just leave things as they are, and raise your S as your H's child. I feel that would be the best for all concerned. OM may not feel that way, but if you and H work these problems out, and OM has visitation, then he should also pay CS. Does OM really want to end up doing that for the next 18-20 years? With just minimal visits?<P>You need to think of your marriage first. See if you and your H want to remain married, and work through the problems that were at the root of what caused the situation you now find yourself in. If your M does not work out, then you should go from there, but none of this can happen until you have told your H. Just think how much harder it will be if you stay married to your H, never tell him, and live with your lie, and the possiblity of OM telling your H everything.<P>I wish I had more time, but Abbi is demanding my attention at this moment.<P>I'll check in again a little later.<P>Tigger

Well, here is an update. I spoke with OM last night and I explained to him that I don't want to leave my marriage because #1) How this will affect my S #2) of my H's reaction to this devastating news #3) for fear of hurting my H and his family. I also fear that I may not be strong enough to deal with this. In our conversation, OM had said that he would support me in any decision that I make, either way. He also said that he would leave it up to me whether or not I want to tell my H and he would not interfere. He also said that if I chose to stay, then we not do the test, and go about our lives, my S is my H's and never contact each other again. I trust him and I believe him. He also said that if I chose to leave, that he would be there for me and my S. <BR>On the Child Support issue, I would never try and take him for child support. If it ever came down to it, I have a really good job and I will raise my S on my own. I am too proud to ask for anything from him. Sad to say, but OM is the only person I have ever been truly honest with and vice versa. <BR>Sometimes I just wish I had something to fall back on if I needed help and my H kicked me and the baby out. Like my parents, but have both deceased. To be honest, I don't know what my H would do. I have gone over every possible situation in my mind. I am not even 100% sure that the baby is not my H's. But it's not hard to figure out being that OM is 6'7" blonde hair/blue eyes. My H is 6'2" brn/brn and I am brn/brn 5'3". My S has blue eyes and is a really big boy. There are blue eyes in both sides of the family, but come on. Also, my Dr. told me the day I got pregnant was around July 14th, give or take 2 days. I was with OM on July 14th and my H within that 2 day windown. Also, my H had his sperm count tested before I got pregnant and it came back low. We had an appt with a Urologist to figure out the problem but I found out I was pregnant 4 days before the appt. Putting together all of these factors makes me think that OM is the father. <BR>I am still deathly afraid when I think about looking my H in the eyes and telling him what I believe is the truth. I'm sure he would flip out. My H is the type of person that no one gets the best of him. I have heard him make comments about situations like this when we are watching TV. Plus, I know my H is the type of person that if my S is not really his, he wouldn't want to know. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I know what the right thing is, but I am so scared. I have always been a really strong person, but I have also learned all about DENIAL! <BR>I want to go to church and see if that would help, but I have never really gone to church. I believe and I pray at night, but I have never been one to pray for things to happen. I have always felt that I should not run to God only when things get bad and I need something to go my way. I feel that everything happens for a reason. I just haven't figured it out yet. I feel so lost.

Wow...did you get yourself into a mess.<BR>I am so sorry for all of you involved. I do have one question...in all your post you make it sound likr the only reason you want to stay with your husband is because you're afraid to hurt him, his potential for violence, your childs well being and wanting to stop hurting everyone for your actions.<P>Answer these questions to yourself.<P>Do you love your husband ?<BR>Are you in love with your husband ?<BR>Is the relationship going to survive time ?<BR>What do you want ?<BR>If you continue to punish yourself for what you've done you will just continue to hurt others & ultimatley yourself.<BR>What do YOU really want ??

I too believe that honesty is the best policy. Older members on the forum know my story ad nauseum, but I was a child born of such a situation. I always sensed that there was a big secret about me. (My dad, the man who raised me, knew that he was not my bio father and it didn't matter to him. He is very loving and generous.) My parents finally told me when I was 35 years old--way too late to be finding out such shocking news.<P>On the other hand, I think that most people here are missing something. You have already been to the hospital because of domestic violence. You H has a problem with anger and I fear you might be in serious danger if you tell him of this. I would suggest that you find the $100 or so to talk to Steve or Jen Harley and get their opinion on telling your husband. They mention in their material that domestic violence is cause for an immediate separation so I can't see them supporting you telling him while you are still in harms way.<P>There might be a couple of other possibilities. You could gather some family support around you and tell him with others present and then immediately leave and go someplace safe. Give him a couple of weeks to cool off. Only go home once you feel it is safe.<P>Just my thoughts,<BR>MJ

Ok, here's the low down. I have decided that I am going to tell OM that I had test done and my S is my H's. That will put him at ease and he won't have to stress about it and I won't have to deal with that part anymore. I also want to start building a better relationship with my H. I know he has it in him, he is just really hard to get through to. I'm thinking that if I am going to tell him about the A, I want things to be on the good side, instead of in the heat of an arguement to where things could get really bad. I started by looking into this website further. This site has really helped me to look at myself and change for the better. In response to louser's questions... <BR>1-Do I love my H? Of course I do. I get upset with him alot and he hurts my feelings when he disrespects me and calls names, but I do love him. <BR>2-Am I "in love" with him? No. I don't think I ever have been. I have been thinking and if we can start now, it's not too late and maybe we can get to that level. It's going to take alot, but I'm willing to try. <BR>3-Is the relationship going to survive time? I believe that it will. I know my H and he would never cheat on me or leave me. If we can get to the point where we can learn to communicate better, I know that the other EN's will follow. <BR>4-What do I want? I just want to be happy and if we are to stay married, I want to be treated with respect. Like I mean something to him. And I am more than willing to give it in return. If not then we need to be adults and realize it's not going to work. <BR>It's hard for my H to open up and tell me his feelings. He always has to be so macho. I tried to get him to look at the EN questionaire. He looked at it and said it was stupid and he didn't want to do it. It really hurt my feelings. After pleading with him for 5 minutes, he finally did it. Half hearted, but he still did it. <BR>I do know that if things are still the same between us and we can't love each other let alone get along, I won't be a happy wife. <BR>One thing that I am terrified of is when my S is old enough to see the way my H treats me. I want to raise him to be respectful and have an open mind. Instead of rude and defensive. <BR>Thank you all for your sharing your situations. It helps to know that there are people that have been through it too. <BR>