I just got off the phone with my father-in-law, with whom my h has had a very strained relationship, due to them literally abandoning him as a teenager. Lately, we have mended fences somewhat with his parents, but h's relationship with them is still a bit shaky. H says that he has wanted to tell them about oc for some time, but said he felt too guilty and embarrassed to bring it up, especially since they are not that close to begin with. I asked if h wanted ME to tell them, and he said, "It's totally up to you<P>Just now, when FIL called, he asked us if we would come and visit with H's grandfather, who will be at their house on Sunday. I said yes. He said that the grandfather, who h has not seen in years, is anxious to see all of the great-grandchildren. I saw a good opening in the conversation and opened up a conversation about oc. Told him that I had to talk to him about something, and that it was something h wanted him to know, but didn't know how to bring up. To my GREAT surprise, he already knew about oc, but did not know any details, not even gender, name, or age. I asked how he knew, since we went for literally years without contact with FIL or MIL directly after the affair, and he suddenly became very secretive, saying, "i prefer not to tell you how we found out." I said, "did ow contact you?" he said, "No, NEVER. I didn't even know ow's name. But I don't want to talk about that. Let's just say I am very proud of you and h for fighting to help our grandchild and leave it at that. it's about time that you two start dealing with the fact that this is a child that needs her father" I was sort of ticked about that (the way he said it), but he said a few other things that were a little more supportive, so I didn't have a fit about it.<P>so here is the problem:<P>I am disturbed, because the only thing I can think of is that h must have bragging about ow's pregnancy during the time of the affair. I can't think of any other way they would know there was a pregnancy without knowing the results of the pregnancy. Back then, h did see his parents regularly, and they definitely took "his side" during the affair and told me that if we divorced, I would no longer be welcome in their house. They were very anxious to get rid of me, primarily because I refused to allow them to guilt" h into supplementing their welfare checks with our hard-earned income. (Back then, they sat around and milked the system, but I must admit they have changed a lot since. FIL finally got motivated enough to get a job, and they are now doing quite well financially. but before that, they watched cable tv all day and laughed about people who were dumb enough to work real jobs) I know it seems sort of unlikely that h went bragging about it, but at the same time, h's family doesn't travel in the same circles as anybody else we know, and I can't imagine that they could have just "heard" about it on the street, since ow has been so secretive about oc's parentage (except, of course, when it comes to going after cs, then ow gleefully states that h is the father.) and h is not close enough to his dad to have any kind of emotional/needing advice kind of conversation with him. He has always been able to tell them "good" news, but always wants to hide anything he sees as negative from his parents.<P>I dont know what to do. it may sound really insignificant, but it bothers me tremendously to think that they may have been encouraging h to leave me for ow back then, and I need to know if that's true before I go on building a positive relationship with them. Also, if my h was going around glowing with pride at the idea of ow having his child, I am going to flip out. I certainly don't THINK that is what happened, but I am abnormally paranoid right now, and I just cant get it out of my head. any thoughts?<BR>-cd

cd:<P>I think you're being paranoid---I'm guessing that FIL is protecting his "source", and it's not your hubby.

Hi K,<BR>Oh, it's so good to have you back - although I sure hope you had a wonderful vacation in June.<P>so if you had to hazard a guess, would you think ow did contact them? His surprise that oc was a girl (since we had all boys) was absolutely genuine. I can't imagine who would tell them other than her. but if it was her, why would they bother protecting her, and why wouldn't they have found out before specifics about oc? And why would he feel so strongly about protecting ANY source? I mean, it's not as if we have leveled death threats to keep people we know in secrecy. It all just doesn't make any sense.<P>But, yes, you're absolutely right. my paranoia is showing. Oops <BR>-cd

CD, <P>you instincts may be right... to a point. you're H probably was the one that told FIL about the baby coming. But he probably wan't bragging. In fact I doubt that any man would be proud to have fathered a child outside of his marriage. It seems very improbable.<P>But then again, if he had told FIl/MIL why would he have told you to break the news if you wanted. He surely wouldn't have said that if he knew they knew already. <P>Could he possibly have had a heated discussion with his father about fathers who abandon their children and made an off the cuff comment about not abandoning OW's child????<P>Just a thought. I'm sorry I couldn't be much help. But I'm sure there's a logical answer. <P>Don't let what might have happened with FIL/MIL in the past hinder your kindling a relationship with them. Like you said, they've changed significantly since back then.<P>Hell, if my H held my mom to all the aweful things she said about him, they'd never be in the same state!<P>Realize that people grow and change, and if in fact they did encourage H to leave you, they don't feel that way now. Give them the opportunity to make up for their indiscretions, just as Jesus would!<P>Be the better woman with them CD, open your heart without fear. Just as you know with your husband, the rewards can be exponential!<P>Best of luck sweetie,<BR>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

cd:<P>Does your hubby have any brother's, sisters, or close friends who also know your in-laws?<P>That's where I'd be pointing the finger. If there are no suspects in that lot---then it might have been hubby. But I doubt that he was bragging either.<P>Vacation was a blast---thanks for asking!!!

CD,<P>Dont you think if ow was the one who contacted them, she would have told all the statistics of child? Unfortunately people talk..lots of them, even those we trust. And K is right, FIL is probably protecting the source and I would bet that hubby wasnt it...<P>Love<BR>bw

CD,<P>When Mr. Job learned of OW's pregnancy he first prayed and prayed and prayed for a miscarriage. (He loves his daughter now that she is here, but he certainly didn't want her to be born.)<P>When the burden became too much for him to carry alone, he told his parents and one of his sisters, the one he is closest to. He was in no way bragging, but he did hope that they had some magic pill that could make this all better somehow. <P>When I found out that people I loved and trusted were part of the secrets, I was very hurt. They were angry at him for his betrayl of me (they love me very much) and for putting them in a position where they knew very pertinent information about our marriage and were not free to tell me. It was a huge burden that he placed on them and he now feels it was wrong. The first person he needed to tell about this was me. I don't know if he ever would have found the courage to tell me. I think that he subconsciously left evidence of the affair on the computer so that I would find out "accidentally." I didn't even suspect anything and wasn't searching. He left it in plain sight on the computer. Ah, the tricky ways of the Id, the Ego and the SuperEgo.<P>He was in no way bragging about what he had done. In fact, he was deeply ashamed and looking for help and some sort of absolution. He desperately hoped that his father, anyone in his family had had an affair so that he wasn't so alone.<P>Just as an aside, that is also the day he told his parents we were adopting! They came to Easter dinner a couple of weeks later and stumbled into a conversation I was having with my mother and sisters about who was going to care for the children while both of us were working. My mother-in-law get very upset and started saying "No one told me that you were adopting. It's not a good idea. What if they're retarded, or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or what if one of you loves them and one doesn't, or what if they love the nanny more than they love you?" She said "Think of all the bad things that could happen." My mother got angry and said "Mrs. Job Senior, think of all the good things that could happen."<P>Many months later I pieced together that he had told them about the adoption at the same time he told them about OW and OC. No wonder the adoption didn't register in their brains. Another mystery solved.<P>CD, take a deep breath. Your concerns aren't without merit, but remember that we will never know all the details of what went on and in some ways that is good. You can make yourself crazy trying to track down every detail. I think our spouses have often forgotten many of the details because it helps them live with what they have done. What helps me is saying "I can't. God can. I will let Him."<P>MJ

cd,<P>I'm rather surprised that nobody else has said this (especially K), unless I missed something:<P>Go back to the basics of the Dr. Harley's principles for a successful marriage. Remember the Rule of Honesty. If something is bothering you about this situation, you need to go to your husband. He is the only one who can answer the specific question as to whether or not he was the one who mentioned this to your in-laws, and if he DID, he is the only one who can tell you what motivated him to do so.<P>Harboring these doubts, fears and negative thoughts and feelings is going to begin to poison the amazing progress the two of you have made. Talk to your husband about this and allow him the opportunity to put your mind at ease and your fears to rest.<P>You will be OK, cd. I'm sure of it. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>