I wrote here a while back about finding my wife with my best friend-she had a 4 month affair with him. Well this was 2 months ago, and we both vowed to work hard on marrriage. Well, things have been tough. But I came home from a weekend away with my father, and found out the OM had been at my house, and she told him she was pregnant and did not know who the father was. The part that makes me mad is she had no respect for me and lied to me repeatedly that she has not seen or talked to him, until I showed her the tape. I set up a voice activated recorder because I still did not trust her. This may have been wrong, but I would have never known this.<P> I cant live this way. So I told her I want a divorce and that we must sell the house. My question is what do I do about the baby she will have in 9 months? Get a DNA test as soon as its born? How do I deal with things now?? Thanks to all that respond.

buzz:<P>If you're truly at the point where you want a divorce, your best bet will be to speak to a local attorney. Save the tape as evidence. When the baby is born, you'll do a DNA test. If it's yours, you'll be looking at child support---if not, there won't be a worry.<P>

Thanks K,<P> Its a 50/50 chance its mine. And child support is not a problem, as long as I am 100% sure. Is DNA allowed as proof of the father is? I assume so. THanks

DNA can positively "exclude" you from being the father. It doesn't "prove" that you are, but it will help establish that it's "highly likely" that you are.<P>In this case, if you're shown to not have the same genetic markers as this child, you'll be off the hook. If you do have them---it's very likely that you are the father. You could then get a court order to get the OM's sample as well---if he's negative, you'd be the father. If for some astronomical coincidence he has similar genetic markers to you---you just wouldn't be able to tell.<P>If the child is yours, would you consider staying in the marriage?

K,<P> Even if the child is mine, I whink I could not stay in the marriage. There is no trust whatsovever. I mean to find out the OM came to my house while I was away, and after we vowed to work on things? How many more times would I find out hings before it was enough?? After all this, she still blames me for everything-no remorse. She says I am guilty of not giving her enough attention, etc. Which I can acept, and I was working on things, it just does not happen over night. And I dont want to be around while she sees a OM.

Buzz,<P>I understand all the feelings that you're going through. But the bottom line is that this affair will not work out as a real relationship for your wife. The chances of it surviving another year are slim and none. If you've been working on the marriage---you're demonstrating that you care and can change. She's going to want to come back---especially if the child is biologically yours.<P>I'm just letting you know that this is the most likely scenario. You're not out-of-love with her at this point, you're just frustrated beyond belief. I often recommend that people trying to deal with an affair give either Steve or Jenn Harley a call and set up some phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments). They can help you devise a plan that deals with this frustration level (Plan B is likely), and give your marriage a better chance to survive.<P>It's just a thought. But I can completely understand your wanting to bail too---an affair is hard enough to deal with.

She may want to come back when the relationship fails with the OM, who BTW is married and has 2 kids. But am I suppose to stand around and let her mess around with the OM? If she feels I am the one to blame for all the problems, I think I will never make things right, and I hate to waste more time in the process. <P> Before this weekend, I was really optimistic, but not anymore, I cant be, for my own sake. If the child is mine, then I will take responsibilty for it, but his is a seperate issue than the affair she had for such a long time. <P> Thanks for your advice.

Hey, if we figured out a way for a WS to stop messing around with the OP---we'd let you know. Right now, you're the bad guy. All the problems in the marriage---they're your fault. In fact, when my wife became pregnant by the OM, she told me "it was MY fault...". It's just typical affair-insanity. They're all the same.<P>But---if you can put up a good plan A front for a while, and then move to a separation (if needed), when the affair ends, she's not going to be blaming you for everything anymore. She'll probably feel pretty crappy. And she'll miss the affair for a while (even if it ends horribly). But eventually, there's a good chance she'll want to come back to the marriage and really put the effort into it.<P>You're right---it's going to take time and patience for all this to happen. And it's gonna cost you plenty of emotional pain. But so is a divorce. In your situation buzz---if you have no other situation---I wouldn't blame you if you decided to divorce her and walk away. But, if this is your child, you're going to be involved in her life in one form or another for the next 20 years. You might want to plan for that contingency, just in case.

Thanks again K,<P> Its really hard. I want to divorce, but theres that side of me that says save the marriage. How could I ever trust her, or even want to trust her. I care about her as a person, but the feelings stop there. Plus I feel like I can contribute nothing to our marriage now. And even less when I know she is seeing the OM. I know deep down it will not work fro them, I know her personality, and this thing is the total opposite of her 'ideal' husband. <P> But should I really even bother to try again?? I mean a 4 month affair, and then she sees him while I am away. Plus, she cant talk at all about the situation. When I ask her a question, she just gives me a blank stare. I dont know.

Dear Buzz,<P>K is absolutely wonderful and personaly I consider him one of the top authorities when it comes to marital advice. Listen to him.<P>As to your last statement "But should I really even bother to try again?? I mean a 4 month affair, and then she sees him while I am away. Plus, she cant talk at all about the situation. When I ask her a question, she just gives me a blank stare. I dont know. "<P>I know how you feel. My H's affair was 9-10 months long. We were physically seperated bc of the military. He lived with this woman and apparently told her he loved her..yadayada. This was over 2 years ago that I found out and it is rough. No one promised it will be easy, but it can happen. And in my marriage I am now so very glad it did. I love my H more each day. He has put much effort into gaining my trust and respect that and can you believe he has done it. I have total respect for him again. And I trust him. I am not as liberal as I used to be, bc now I realized that when I thought I was being a "cool wife" I was actually being terribly naive and setting myself up. He still will not talk about it...claims he doesnt remember. I am beginning to believe he shut her out fo his mind. I dont think he could tell me even if he wanted to. But that is allright with me since I dont care so much anymore. The first year for me was the hardest, and there are many setbacks...sometimes we will fight about it now, but overall my marriage is now what it most likely would not have been...a success.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>broken_wings<BR>

buzz:<P>Let's look at this from your wife's point of view. She probably is "sitting the fence" at this point: she doens't hate you, but she can't get over the affair. And now she's pregnant---and she doesn't know who the father is.<P>There's a chance that it's yours. If it is---would she be likely to stay with the OM? Probably not. If the baby is the OM's, would she end up leaving to go to him? Maybe.<P>It will take an extraordinary effort to save this marriage---you will likely need to move (or kill your ex-best fiend, which I don't advise). The two of you will need counseling. You'll have your first child thrown into recovery---which will have an impact (both good and bad).<P>I don't know what kind of "father" models you grew up with, buzz. I grew up in a family that didn't know divorce, or affairs (or adultery). I had two children when my wife had her affair, and I could not bear to not be involved in their lives daily---so that was a primary motivator for fighting for my marriage. If you're OK with having a child who you won't live with---that OK. It's not in the best interests of the child, but you can still be a good father and not live with him or her. But it will be difficult.<P>Divorce will be difficult.<P>Staying and fighting for the marriage will be difficult.<P>Guess what---there isn't a choice you can make that will cause you little pain. I'd suggest that you really think about what the best moral choice you can make---because it's not going to cost you much extra. <P>If it were me, I'd vote for trying for the marriage. I'd spend the money with the Harley's for counseling---cause they're worth every penny. I'd let them help you decide on the timing of Plan B separation---you don't want to do it too late in the pregnancy (if you have to do it at all). And I'd do my best until this child is born---if it's the OM's, and your wife wants to run to him---then I would fully support that decision to divorce. You could do so with no moral regrets---and you wouldn't be out anything other than some marriage counseling (which will benefit you regardless).<P>But that's me. I don't envy your situation, but we'll help you as best we can with whatever decision you make.

K,<P> I had a long talk with my wife last night. This is the first time she really talked to me. She says she has been very unhappy with our marriage for years. She told me she was not 'in' love with me when we got married 2 years ago. Gee, this would have been nice to know. She wants to divorce on good terms-not fighting. She now tells me she really resents us moving away from here home town, and she has felt lost since. I asked her how she thought the things she is doing/has done were right. And I see a tiny tiny bit of remorse, but I think she is still justifying it in her mind, because I did not give her what she wanted. <P> I told her that maybe we could seperate for a while, she was not totally against that, but she may just be saying that to not cause further conflict. Also, if she does move back to her home town(25 miles away), would there ever be any real chance of us working out? Or does the seperation most of the time cause people to go their seperate ways? <P> BTW, I have talked to her about counseling, and she does not want to do it. Its hard to explain. She is like living is a alternate reality. Thats how she deals with things, she pretends things are good, or are not how they really are. I am a realist, so its hard.<P> Anyway, I really appreciate your help. Its nice to know there are people out there that take the time and effort as you have. Thank you.<P>Buzz

buzz:<P>Just so you know, my take on this is:<P>1. Your wife gave you some honesty that you needed to hear. That's terrific---and it sounds like you encouraged it as well, by remaining composed when she was discussing this situation with you. Knowing that she wants to move back to her home town is a good thing, for example.<P>2. The "I never loved you..." line is on page 1 of the Wayward's spouses <I>Manual of Really Dumb Things to Say When Having an Affair</I>. Honestly, I don't think that there's a whole lot of people on these boards who HAVEN'T heard that one (if they've dealt with an affair). And WS's can be very convincing that this is the "truth"---I honestly thought that my wife really never loved me, and that maybe she'd be happier with the OM.<P>Don't buy it. It's not real---it's the fog of an affair. She doesn't want to do counseling right now---becuase she's still in the affair.<P>If you're a realist, my realistic suggestion to you would be to let her know that YOU don't want to pursue the divorce. So if she brings papers---you don't sign them. Make her go for default (which takes time). I would continue to "Plan A" her (buy a copy of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A>, if you don't have one---it illustrates exactly what you're up against, and you'll swear that Harley has been living with you for the last 6 months). If she moves---let her know that you understand why she feels this way, (and even be nice and help her), but let her know that you'd prefer her to stay. A separation would cause her to rely on the OM to meet her needs---he'll do a great job with that early on, but he'll probably blow it later. If you end up in that route, I'd still tell you to be nice when you do talk with her---and avoid any opposite sex friends (because you will be extremely vulnerable to an affair yourself).<P>What would happen, let's say, if she left for her hometown. If you didn't divorce her. If the OM started coming around a lot, and started bugging her---especially in the last trimester of the pregnancy. And then what if the child was yours???<P>It'd be an opportunity for you to rebuild the marriage. You've still got a very good shot at this---but as I said before, I could also understand your wanting to walk away.<P>And you're welcome. I lived this nightmare, and one reason I stay on these boards is to help people through it---you will come out the other side, and in a lot better shape than you can imagine.

Buzz,<P>I am glad that you have found this Marriage Builders site and I am also glad that K has taken you under his wing. I think that he is probably the most experienced MB guy on any of the MB chat sites.<P>I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I just wanted to let you know that the women here are also here to help you in whatever way we can.<P>Please read all the Harley stuff on this site. It really does work. H and I are 11 months into recovery after my learning of his A and child.<P>I wish you the peace of God,<BR>Mrs. Job