Short Version...<P>3 weeks ago my wife informed me that our 9 month old baby was not mine. He was the son of a man she had a one night stand with (so she says). We have 2 others son. This boy has not looked like me since day one. Other people questioned it yet I stood my ground defending her. Our marriage at the time was poor. We didnt communicate like we should have and our priorities were different.<BR>I am a family man. I live for my time away from work to do things with my kids. She is a career person who's job has always come first (however she doesnt admit it).<BR>Now she tells me she wants to stay with me. I can understand what possibly happened maybe even forgive her.<BR>I just think the boys and I deserve somone who has us first in her life. Who doesnt have to have a child with someone else to prove there is a problem.

Josh,<P>I have three kids as well, and my youngest is not biologically mine. So, welcome to the club! <P>In a marriage, it would be great if your spouse put you first. And you did the same for her. And yeah, having an affair and getting pregnant is a lousy way to announce that you have some marital issues. But what's done is done.<P>What do you want to do about it? If the two of you are willing to work, you can make your marriage something much better than it's ever been. It'll take time and effort---and I would advise you to use a professional to help you get a game plan together. Steve Harley counseled me through my wife's affair---he's terrific (and his sister Jenn is too). You can use their phone counseling services by calling 888-639-1639 for appointments.<P>And we'll be happy to help you with whatever we can. In MB-speak, the first place for the two of you to start is with eliminating lovebusters.

Josh, Welcome to MB. So sorry for the situatuion you are in and to have to welcome you to this forum. However, I would like to tell you if you are looking to build your marriage and mend and heal you have come to the right place. I found this forum last Feb. and it has been a god-send. My marriage is better than it has ever been and I truly feel it is in part to the help, support and advise I have received here from the great people who participate in this forum. Although my situation is different, my h had a one night stand, just prior to our wedding,and a child was the product of it, I feel for you and the pain and heartache you have. There are some wonderful people here that can help and as K said who is more experienced in your particular situation, if the two of you want to work at it you can make your marriage better thatn ever, my h and I have and continue to build and grow. One thing that you said that I would question is that your w got preganant to prove there was a problem. I wonder if that is the case, I know my h did not get the woman involved in his one night stand pregnant to prove we had a problem. He have stated that your relationship was poor at the time and you did not communicate like you should have. The book by Dr. Harley and Dr. Chamlers, " Surviving an affair" was a great help to me. Best wishes, Gabi1116

Dear josh,<P>I am on the same side of the spectrum as Gabi...wife with H who had ow\oc. I just wanted to offer your support and prayers. You are in good company here. Have you read Harley's concepts yet? They are worth their weight in gold.<P>Love<BR>broken_wings

Josh,<P>I just wanted to add my welcome as well and to reiterate that marriages can heal from this. <P>Is your wife willing to do the work required to heal the hurt she has caused? Are you willing to look at what didn't work in your marriage and fix your part of it? If so, there is reason for great hope.<P>Please post here often. We all will try to help you through this. I remember what it felt like to be at 3 weeks past discovery. I thought it was physically possible to die from the grief and my rage was *way* out of control. It does get better, I promise.<P>K, Sailorman and Gregg (who we don't hear from as often anymore) are guys who are in your same situation.<P>I wish you shalom,<BR>MJ

First of all I would like to Thank every one who has replied.<BR>It is hard to know what to feel.<BR>I having been struggling all week. It's like a roller coaster ride. One minute your up and can deal the next minute you start all over.<BR>I am truly amazed at how the Lord has worked in so many of your lives. It truly is a miracle.<BR>I however believe my life currently is a cross I do not think I can bear. I think I will be able to forgive her for the affair yet there are so many other things that have come out now it's like a snowball picking up speed.<BR>My wives priorities have always been her career now with a recent promotion she will even be home less. I truly need to spend time with her to help me get through this. Yet she has let her schedule dictate her time with me and the boys.<BR>She is not willing to commit to what it takes to make it.<BR>My current reading list includes: Rekindled, a DR. Wheat book, Bold Love and another one I have yet to start.<BR>I have learned where I was weak and what things I need to do to show her I still Love her. Yet sometimes it seems lost with not both people trying.<BR>Thanks again....<BR>

I just wanted to add that I am in your position other than I have recently divorced. BUT...I have primary custody of my son that is not biologically mine! You've loved him for 9 months right? We'll help.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Dear Josh110400,<BR>I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I have patiently read this board for a long time, waiting for someone who I could REALLY empathize with. My period of deception was ten years, but I too:<BR>1) tirelessly defended my child as biologically mine, in response to those who simply had to point out the clear physical dissimilarities, even (and especially) through times that were not happy.<BR>2) basically "work to live," while my wife "lives to work," which makes the fact that the OM was a co-worker even harder to bear.<BR>3)am being asked to forgive and move ahead, but am worried about past compromises that have occured in the context of future challenges that surely await us.<P>Honestly, I always felt like I was better than everybody else in the world, but not anymore. I envy those couples with their newborns, and imagine how unlikely it is that they too have such a predicament. I always considered myself the ultimate father, but now I am confident that I am not showing my children how to love in marriage.<P>Now that I have had (exactly) a year to think about it, there have been times that I have considered it a blessing, the kind of experience that lets you truly understand the value of trust, companionship, and lifelong commitment. There is perhaps no greater pain than to find out that the world's greatest joy must be re-negotiated, but doing so makes all of life's other complexities seem trivial.<P>In the meantime, forgive yourself for all the energy you have expended dealing with this problem. Forgive yourself for not acting upon the warning signs you saw, like poor communication and differing priorities--couples endure these things all the time without having children outside their marriage. Start making your own feelings a priority in your life, because yours are undergoing intense and rapid change. <P>Read my post earlier today. It is longer than yours and full of its own painful details. <P>Let me know if you would like to get together sometime and talk.<P>

Mrs Job: If no one else got anything from what you wrote, I did. More than you could imagine. God bless you.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Thank you, Paul. I am very happy that what I wrote touched you. I want you dads to know that if you chose to parent children born of an affair that these kids will see you and love you as their dad. I wanted you to hear it from someone who has lived it. <P>There will be hurt and confusion when a child learns the truth of their conception. They will pass through grief just as we all do many times in our lives, but they can come out of it on the other side with many, many gifts. They can truly learn what agape loves means. I know that I have. My father doesn't like me telling the story of my bio-father. I have resepctfully disagreed. I have told all of my sisters. Some took it well, others were very torn up about it. Other than here in an anonymous manner, I don't talk much about my parentage. My family has a right to some privacy. I think this is a wonderful story of selfless love on the part of my father and I admire him even more now that I know about my conception. I think this is truly a story of selfless love and Lord knows that there is little enough of that in this world. <P>The only time he and I ever argue is when we discuss which one of us was luckier to have the other come into our lives--whether I was luckier to get him as my dad or he was luckier to get me as his daughter. Obviously, I think I was far luckier, but sometimes I let him win the arguement just for the fun of it. <P>I know what a very hard time you have been going through. I pray for you to have strength to stand by the decisions you have made and I pray for the comfort of the Holy Spirit for you. May you have the peace that passes understanding. May God hold you in the palm of his hand so that you feel as safe, sheltered and loved as you really are.<P>Shalom,<BR>MJ

Dear Mrs. Job and Josh110400,<P>With time, it becomes less an issue of the desirability of raising a child who is not genetically your own, and more an issue of spousal trust, which severely curtails intimacy and romance. They are separate issues.<P>Mrs. Job, you statistic seems on the mark, but what percentage of that 10% have suffered such intense betrayal? Not nearly as many, I suspect. When men and women become conditioned to regard the childbirthing process as the ultimate experience of responsible adulthood, the direct consequence of any compromise of that experience is a loss of a sense of self. I think very highly of myself-- I am a highly successful professional who is known for being able to handle and solve complex problems involving people, but danged if I haven't the slightest idea what to do about redefining my core values.<P>Hey, guess what? It doesn't matter!!! Do you realize that? Ask most other adults and they will say the same thing...biology is not important...FAMILIES are important...try to restore what you THOUGHT you had because that is what you CAN have... This is an attractive solution for someone like myself, who thinks about the problem all day, every day. But when things aren't the way we were taught they should be, then we must explore the possibilities of life outside the box, having had this door opened by our spouses. This is why Josh and I are naturally curious about how to retain the essential responsibilities of parenthood while seeking personal happiness.

Last night was my wifes first overnight buisness trip since she told me. I didnt sleep a wink. I just can't seem to trust where she is or what she is doing anymore. Now that she has taken preventive measures to make sure she wont get pregnant again there will be no more accidents.<BR>My marriage is in ruins. I can't believe this will ever get better. How can you live with someone when you can't trust them.<BR>I found out this week it was just anybody that night. She didnt care who he was, what he did, or even what he looked like. I guess it would have been easier if I felt she had at least been seduced by a super model not a bar fly.<BR>This is taling its toll on me. I have lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks on a 180 lb frame. I just don't feel like eating and when I do it just a bite and I am full. Probably should see a doctor before I am down to 150.<BR>Tough Road.<BR>

Josh,<P>You should go and see a doctor. And get on antidepressants. And get into marriage counseling: the phone counseling here at MarriageBuilder's is terrific (888-639-1639 for appts.), and I've counseled both with Steve and Jennifer Harley. They're great, and they can help give you hope.<P>3 weeks is very early into this. I remember well how terribly disorienting discovering the affair was (and the pregnancy didn't come until later). The counseling helped tremendously.

Josh,<P>I too found anti-depressants (and tranquilizers) and counseling very helpful at the beginning of all of this.<P>Prayer and/or mediation is very helpful as well.<P>You are so new into this. I remember the searing pain, the weight loss, the confusion and the general inability to function.<P>Don't expect yourself to trust your wife right now. She has a long way to go to prove herself before you can trust again. However, *if* you want to save your marriage it is for some reason almost always the betrayed spouse who has to put forth the greatest amount of effort, it can be done. I believe that even one spouse can change a marriage--maybe not save it on their own, but change it. Once changes are rolling your wife my come along on the ride and begin to work on her own issues. I have no idea why it always seems to be the betrayed spouse who has to get the ball rolling and it just plain isn't fair.<P>I promise that whichever way you go, marriage rebuilding or divorce, it does get easier. The pain subsides and you begin to be able to think clearly again.<P>Blessings,<BR>MJ

Your right Mrs. Job how come it seems like the betrayed spouse is the one who is the one trying to save the marriage. I realize the other spouse has typically given up. Which is what probably what drove them to the affair.<BR>Yet under this much weight we are the ones who have to understand how forgiveness works. If they would have understood communication and forgiveness it never would have come to this.<BR>Since I have recently moved to a new area. Also since I do not have a doctor. I am leary about going in and telling another person how big of loser I am that my wife felt she needed this. I really feel like a loser since she picked whoever not someone special just the first joe.<BR>I really don't feel depressed I just pray this never would have happened and now I just want it to go away.<BR>Trust..how can you ever build up trust when your spouse is traveling with there job and you know that is how it happened before. I havent even had a chance to start and I have to. Since she is already gone again. Leaving me with my 2 boys + 1.<BR>I apologize for going way over the place. It is hard to keep a train of thought.<BR>Thanks again,,,,,,

Call me crazy....<BR>I don't know if this in normal however I am curious about the one night stand my wife had. I don't know if it's better to find out all the details of the event or just think the worst which covers just about everything.<BR>I know asking about him and finding out he was just in the right place at the right time nothing special just a warm body didnt seem to help.<BR>Any suggestions? Is this a guy thing? Am I going crazy to even want to know? Am I setting myself up for more pain?<BR>or is this something that has to come out to begin the healing process.

Josh,<BR>My D-day was 4 months ago. My w had a one night stand and is now pregnant(due in 4 months). The whole thing sometimes feels like crap, but life sometimes takes an interesting path. I have been in a pretty good mood now for about a week. I go up and down. Up for about a week or two and then down for a few days to a week. When I first found out I was devastated. I couldn't believe that my W who I used to brag about to everyone about how she was strong and could handle the military life of being separated for months on end would do such a thing. But it does happen and we are learning everyday from it. What keeps me going is how I have been feeling the past week. I feel good and feel that everything is going to work out. These feelings keep me going through the times where I feel like leaving. I have never quit anything in my live and I have always gave 110% in everything I have done. I plan on doing the same for this marriage and this child who is not biologically mine. Fortunately my W has said she wants the same. It is tough on her too because she is scared I may leave one day. She knows she screwed up and feels very guilty and remorseful for her actions. Hang in there and give a 110%. Atleast whatever the outcome is you know you fought the battle with all you have.

Hutch, I can really appreciate your roller coaster ride.<BR>Mine seems to be on a minute to minute basis.<BR>Recently I was told in a marriage it's not 50-50 but 100-100. I think you have a great handle on it. I have read Matthew 18 a hundred times. I understand I really have no choice but to forgive her. I just don't no how quick it will happen and if we can live with it until I do. Scary to know how dependent we are on other people. I guess that is why we can only trust God nobody else.<BR>Somedays however......

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Josh110400:<BR><B>I am leary about going in and telling another person how big of loser I am that my wife felt she needed this. I really feel like a loser since she picked whoever not someone special just the first joe.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are not, I repeat *not* a loser. My husband had an affair and I am not a loser. I know that you feel like one right now, but honestly it is not the truth. You aren't a perfect human being, none of us are. There are probably many areas in which we have failed and many things that we could have done better in our marriages, but not one of us deserved to have this done to us. <P>What your wife did says much, much more about her than it says about you. I was at about the 1 month mark past Dday when I began to shed the guilt and realize whose fault the affair was. I told my husband he had a whole in his self-esteem big enough to drive another woman through.<P>Doctors hear stuff like this and much much worse everyday. If you truly feel that you are not depressed then don't seek out help but the symptoms that you are describing certainly sound like depression. I lost 20 lbs in the first month past Dday (wish I had kept it off). I couldn't sleep. Oh, I could fall asleep but I couldn't stay asleep. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't function at work and was full of rage (very unlike me, the rage bit).<P>What does your wife say about all of this? Is she repentent? That means more than just sorry that she got caught but truly sorry that it ever happened and willing to promise you that it won't happen again and willing to try to make ammends. Many of our spouses are not all the way there yet. They are riddled with guilt, but they aren't yet ready to work on the marriage, to work on themselves. <P>You wrote earlier that you have no choice but to forgive her. Yes, I would say that you must forgive her, for your sake as well as hers, but forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling. If you enter "Doug Showalter & forgiveness" into a search engine you should turn up a sight by a pastor on Cape Cod. I think he also has a degree in psychology, but I am not sure. He talks a lot from a Christian perspective on what he believes forgiveness is and isn't and how we choose to forgive and how we can go about it. I know that it helped me a lot. <P>If I can find the site, I will come back and edit this message and include a link to it.<P>For me, I forgive my husband his affair by opening myself up to God. Even if I have to do it 30 times I day, I turn the anger and the pain over to Him. I ask Him for love when I don't feel it, for forgiveness enough to share. I want to be a reflection to my husband of the grace I have been shown by God. Believe me there were days when it took prayer 30 times a day just to get through the day; it is much better now, 11 months past Dday. Now trust is another issue. I believe that he will never do this again. He is truly repentent and hates the pain he has caused. However, I plan that he and ex-OW will never spend a moment alone again in the rest of their lives. I don't trust her and I know that he has some sort of weakness for her that defies explanation and my imagination.<P>You know, I don't know if you would feel any better if your wife had had a long-term affair rather than her one-night stand. I think any kind of an affair is a hideous betrayl of our trust. I don't think that for me it would have been one bit better if Mr. Job had jost boffed her once and gotten her pregnant rather than their 7-year affair. I have to face the fact that he really felt something for her; his emtions followed where his genitals led. He loved her on some level; he also felt very responsible for her as if he had a second wife. She became very clingy and needy. She said she just wanted a romp in the hay but that wasn't the truth. She wanted a life with him, the rest of her life and she schemed her best to get it. In many ways he did have a second wife and a second life. I think that you have one small blessing in this: you never have to deal with the ex-OM if that's what you choose. We, on the other hand have to put up with whacko-woman all the time. I am not trying to make your pain seem any less than mine or trivialize it in any way. I just guess that if you and your wife can work this out your future life together looks less complicated than it is for those of us who have to share custody, arrange visitation, pay child support, ad nauseum, but I guess you might feel that you have to see a child every day who might look like the bio-father. I have really fallen for OC; I look at her and don't see my H's affair. I see an innocent child one who was born of a mess like I was born from. Oh, I guess I don't envy any of us our situations. They are all painful and should never have happened.<P>Just wanted to let you know that we care here what happens to you.<P>MJ<BR>

Mrs Job.<P>I can't begin to tell you how you are helping me understand this. Without you and alot of the other people here at MB I would have nowbody to relate to.<BR>Last night was a hard night. Our pastor was over and wanted to know several thing. First on a scale of 1-10 how much we wanted this to work. My wife said 8 I said 5 (probably closer to a 3). Then he told my wife she needed to do something radical to show me where I ranked on her priority list (I feel very low-for a long time). He told her to quit her job. Since it causes her to not have alot of time with the family. She said no-way. I sitting there could never ask her to do that she has worked to hard to get where she is at. She would hate me forever. However I realize we need more time tog. or this will never work.<BR>After he left she told me she was at a 6 and didnt think she loved me. What a heart breaker. Hard to hear. She also said her fantasy was her one-nighter to show some interest in her son and she would go with him. Another very hard thing to hear. Can't understand what someone she knew for a night would have over an 18 year relationship. I have always said it's easier to be special to someone for a night then it is for years.<BR>Thanks again.....