It has been about 4 months since my d day. My W had a one night stand and got pregnant. She is about 5 months along. We have no contact with the OM and overall things are getting a little better. But tonight I started to think more about how when we got married everything was good. About 1 year into our marriage we had to live apart due to job requirements. We lived apart for 16 months and visited each other about once a month during this time. After we finally were living together again things were not the same. After being back together for about 6 months I had to leave again for a month. While I was gone my w had the A.<P>Right now I feel that the year before we got married and the 1st year of our marriage was great. But during the 16 months of living apart due to the job and the months prior to the A, these were not good times. Right now I am feeling like crap because of what my W did, we are having a baby in 4 months that is not even mine, I am looking for a new job, we're moving in a few months, my w is pregnant so there is limited activity between us(I understand that pregnancy slows down the desire) but all this adds up. I wish I was more excited about the future. Right now the improvements between my W and I seem to be overshadowed by the other things. My W gets upset when she feels we take a few steps forward and then fall back a little. I try to stay upbeat but it is sometimes tough with all this other stuff. I don't really have a question, I just wanted to talk.

Hello Hutch,<P>I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I sense you are very lonely and very uncertain about life in general. So I thought I would post tonight and hope that the regulars on this portion of MB will come by and help.<P>I know that you are down about the marriage, but I also sense you are apprehensive about the new job, moving, and being a father. I would say this is a rather full plate. I would like to suggest that you don't lump all of these things in a big ball or they will choke you.<P>I know it is difficult to talk with you W about many of your fears but perhaps you can talk about them separately with her. Perhaps the job issue and the moving issues can be addressed without setting off all of the emotions of this situation.<P>I do think it would help if you could find someone to talk to, perhaps a counselor or a member of the clergy. You have many things to sort out and are in a fairly lonely position. This is not a topic that you want to talk with everyone about.<P>Finally, have you and your W discussed how to rebuild this marriage. Have you considered reading Surviving an Affair or His Needs Her Needs by Harley??? It might give you a good point to jump into the deep discussion that need to take place. More importantly, it might show you two how to regain the love you had in the first year.<P>Well, I must close. I have an early plane tomorrow. I think you will get many helpful ideas tomorrow. Meanwhile, take care of yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hutch,<P>Have you mentioned this site to your W? Having been in her shoes, I would be more than willing to offer her advice for when she feels those low spots! I have been there. My H is in the military, and is often away, so I even understand the seperation due to the job. The emotional ups and downs that you are experiencing right now are normal. My H and I are just over a year in recovery, and his job has taken him away, yet again. We are looking forward to when he is back home, even if it is for just a short while! Let me know if your W would like someone to talk to who has been in her shoes, and I will be there.<P>Tigger

Hutch, just here to listen and support, too. You have people who care and relate here. This is actually the first time I have ever visited the Pregnancy/Child Forum and I need to get some sleep soon.<P>But please follow the advice others here have given. Things are not the same now but perhaps through talking and seeking healing/support from counselling, clergy and facing issues together with W, things can become better than even the early days given time and patience. You are very important and special. You are in a difficult situation.<P>Perhaps there are ways you and W can enjoy each other sexually without intercourse. I can tell you as a WS myself that I struggled to allow H to touch me (ironic, huh?) because I felt such deep self-loathing and shame for how I had hurt him. I refused to consummate the affair but came pretty close. Things are better for us now after 6 mos!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Hutch, I've posted to one of your messages before and I'll continue to say that your one hell of a human being. My W had and A and became pregnant as well. She chose to abort it to save the marriage. While things are going great in our recovery, I have some very, very deep issues with all that happened and envy your strength to support your W while she carries OM's child. Like I told you before, there is a place in heaven for you right now. <P>Good Luck and don't give up if this is what you want<BR><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

hutch do you plan on having your wife give up baby for adoption? will the om be a part of babies life. there are a lot of questions to be answered. tough ones. do you feel the father should have any rights here?

Joell,<BR>My W and I are not going to give up the baby. The OM does not know that the baby is his and we are not going to tell him. He has no right to be in our lifes. There has been no contact with him since my W called him and said the baby is not his and never to call or talk to us again. OM was probably relieved to here that. After her one night stand, she found out she was pregnant and told OM that it was probably his. I was gone for a month for work requirements and that was when the A happened. She told me a couple of weeks after I got home that she had an A and she was pregnant. We decided that to save our marriage we have alot to do and one of those things was to get the OM out of our lifes completely. <P>Just Learning,<P>My W and I are in counseling and I have read "Surviving an Affair". I am trying to get my W to read it. We want to work this out and are realizing some of our mistakes we made. She and I are confident, but it just is hard sometimes.<P>tigger4jdt,<BR>We are a military family, but we both have decided to get out because we feel the military is just not marriage friendly. I never want to be separate for as long as we were ever again. It destroyed our marriage.<P>freshstart and scarlet pumpernickle,<P>Thanks for the support. It means alot to me

hutch,<BR>I hope your wife does read the book. Understanding is so important, but so is commitment and it sounds like you're on the same page there--great!<P>My H is also active duty so I know the strains of separation and military life, although H's affair was (ironically!) during a time of togetherness. Even though the civilian world may be a great change for your marriage, I agree with JL that your plate is really REALLY full right now and your fears are normal under so much stress. I hope you two make time together now that is restful and bonding; the new baby will take lots of time when he/she arrives and the adjustment from "couple" to "family" is a big one.<P>I have said it before but worth repeating that I greatly admire the men on this board like you who are repairing their marriages and committed to their families, including OC! Godbless,<P>J, in recovery 3 years

Hutch,<P>We too were a military family. H was active duty for 9 years. He got out and went in the Reserves (retired two years ago under an early out program--yeah!).<P>His affair began about 18 months after he left active duty. Yes, the separations in the military were rough, but I guess so can the constantly being together if you have only ever know the constant ups and downs of together-apart-together. It can create an intensity that some people crave. Also absent spouse is removed from much of the daily grind of day to day living and leading an exciting life. There is difficulty in all lives and apparently the danger of an affair no matter what your circumstances. I guess we all need to learn Harley principles and affair-proff our marriages.<P>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard it is to go through this. That's the great thing about this board. We can all say "Been there. Done that."<P>MJ