I know that I have been rambling lately in my posts but I really need some guidance. How do you learn to live with this pain if it doesnt go away? I dont want to feel this way in 2 days or 2 months or 2 years. I thought I had peace, but somehow I have lost it. All I have been able to do for the last few days is post and cry the whole time. I am disappointed with myself that I have not gotten over some of this hurdle. I feel myself pulling inward and hiding this pain from my H. Why I dont know. I did make him read my post under anniem. His response was that he wished he could take this back of all the things he has done in his life. But he cant. So what do I do with that?<BR>How did we get here?<BR>We had so many discussions prior to the A about how we would never do this to each other and how we would let the other know if an argument was more than that but somehow a point of no return... well I guess that was a lie too because he did do this to us and he never said that the things I was saying were hurting him to the point of turning elsewhere. Obviously, I have some blame, but I cannot change what I am unaware of. What if I end up there again? How will I know that I have reached the point of no return?<BR>I am so mad. I put up with drug abuse for 3 years! Verbal abuse beyond anyone's tolerance, a lack of financial support, and always trying to help H to get on his feet again. This is my reward?!?! Well no thanks! <BR>I dont want to leave my H, but I dont know what to do about all this pain and anger and I dont see things changing. I have always been a woman of patience, but in this matter...I just dont know anymore.<BR>How do we live with this pain?

tryin,<P>Sorry to hear about your pain. Here is how I 'rationalize' the pain and loss in my head:<P>Pretend for a moment your a successful writer and have been for many, many years. Then because of a tragic accident you lost your right arm from the elbow down. You are right handed and work with your hands every day. When you first lost your arm you were devistated and had no idea how you could go through life let alone work without your right arm! You cry and are depressed for days even weeks. Everytime you start to feel a little better, you glance down at the stump it it reminds you all over again and again about the loss. <P>Out of habit you reach for things with what's left of your right arm only to see that stump again reaching in vain. Frustrated, you still want those things so to put your left arm out to reach for it. It's awkward and unsteady, but you are able to do it. Weeks after the stiches come out and the wound scars over, it's not as painful anymore, but the stump is a constant reminder of your loss. You start to grocery shop again, drive your car and make your bed. You fumble through everyday life and wonder how you will make it as a writer. You still have the desire, but don't know if you have the tools, you were right handed! <P>You realize that you have to continue living, you start to teach yourself how to live with your left hand. You start to practice writing w/ your left hand, then typing with only your left hand. You say to yourself, 'how am I going to learn to write all over again at my age?'. It is hard but slowly your penmenship improves and your typing speeds up. Out of reflex you still reach for things w/ your right arm, but it gets less and less all the time. <P>Before you know it, with alot of work, your writing again! You've learned to drive, type and write with just your left hand. Every once in a while you look down at your stump and think how tragic that day was, you'll never forget it ever, but then your thoughts drift to how you've been able to over come the loss of it. You find yourself comparing your life now to your life then and realize it's not much different, in fact you're amazed how much time has passed. You're the same person, living the same life, just doing things a little different then before. Your happy again, even though you have that 'useless' stump hanging off your shoulder as a constant reminder of that tragic day long ago. While it never goes away, you've somehow learned to live with it.<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

scarlet<P>I have never seen such a healing post in my life..ty

Tryin,<P>I'm filled with pain and anger also. I didn't know if I could get through this. Sometime like you, even with my H supporting me the anger I felt for him over-rided his support. I even picked arguments at one point because the nicer he was the more angry I got at him I felt like it was too late. The only reason I got through my first four months was prayer. I'm starting to heal, the anger/hate flairs up sometimes but prayer keeps it undercontrol. <P>Scarlet, I'm printing your post and hanging it in my cube at work to look at when I'm feeling down.<P>Unsure

scarlet, that is a great analogy! The grief of what we've lost in marriage, the grief of losing a limb...<P>Tryin', how long has it been since DDay? How has your H behaved since then? Have you read my post recovery tips to newbies? I try to tell people that this IS a grief process and it takes time to get through it.<P>J, in recovery 3 years and life is good!

Scarlett - LOVE IT! Think I will have H read. It really describes my pain so well.<P>Tryin - I know how you feel. I want to punish my H sometimes - and no matter how loving he tries to be, I will push him away. BUT - there are fleeting moments where I will actually feel happy. ..and I am trying to focus on those moments, before OW/OC comes into my thoughts and make me cry. The trick is to get those moments to string together to days, to weeks, to months. <P>Couples counseling is helping. He goes every other time by himself, which is good - I mean, hey - he's the one with betrayer issues. We SWORE to each other this was something we would Never ever do to each other. He actually told me before we married that if I ever did stray, he would leave me. . .now he begs me to stay. . .I am 9 months pregnant (due next week), and there are days I do not even want him in the delivery room. .. .but how would I explain that to my mother and father? ha! They know nothing. My D Day is only 4 months ago. How long is yours?<P>hang in there and know you are not alone. And think of Scarlett's post, which is really beautiful. <BR>

Scarlet,<BR>I think it is perfect.<P>Jtigger

Scarlet,<P>Very nice and healing...the only thing is that sometimes I think my left arm is working out even better than my right would have. And my writing is more beautiful and eloquent.<BR>Thank you for the inspiration...<P>Love<BR>bw

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tryin4sainthood:<BR><B>How do you learn to live with this pain if it doesnt go away? ...Obviously, I have some blame, but I cannot change what I am unaware of. What if I end up there again? How will I know that I have reached the point of no return?...<BR>How do we live with this pain?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thumbs up on scarlet pumpernickle's description of adjusting to a different way of life, surviving an affair... The loss being the pure innocence and trust of the marriage.<P>My take is if the pain persists, then we can't live with it because it is killing us (emotionally). We (humans) are not capable of carrying the burdens and problems dealt to us in this life.<P>For once and for all, we must cast our cares on the Lord and stop allowing ourselves to become anxious over the future. We may not know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future. We can trust Him to protect us from harm.<P>Have you ever heard the saying about how we cannot stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we don't have to let them build a nest in our hair? Negative thoughts are the same way... <P>Think of a negative, pain-filled thought like a bee buzzing around your head, and that bee will buzz and buzz and won't go away until it's dealt with! It buzzes around and like a broken record, it taunts, "what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do??????!!!!" The answer? TRUST GOD--CAST THE WHOLE OF MY CARES ON HIM! Then the problem becomes God's problem and not ours. That bee is squashed. We can go about enjoying our day. The devil is kind of like that bee.<P>Our attitudes are shaped by our thoughts and we can reprogram our thinking at any time. We don't have to allow every negative thought to creep in and shape our attitudes. We can simply refuse to live with the pain. Don't sign for those packages delivered by enemy...<P>Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things...

Scarlet, your analogy brought a tear to my eyes. It was wonderful. It will help me. Thank you.

I'm glad you are enjoying my little analogy, and I'm soooo excited that it actually has helped someone I can die today and die a happy man....I've helped someone on these boards as you've all helped me and my W is in-love w/ me again <P>(((((EVERYONE))))))<P>Take care all<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com