My question is, what are the medical/health concerns?? We know very little about the OM. I can only assume he is in good health, but what about his genes? Should we talk to OM or should we not worry about it?

Well, one issue about his genes is that he can't seem to keep them on during inappropriate circumstances (hahahaha )<P>Seriously, I wouldn't concern yourself. Chances of genetic diseases are pretty remote, and there's not a lot you can do even with the knowledge. If the child would need a kidney transplant or something like that---you might want to consider contact. But otherwise, I wouldn't worry---enjoy what will most likely be a very happy, healthy baby.

Hutch,<P>I agree with K. We have not contacted XOM about any health issues, because we figure that it is unnecessary at this time, and we don't plan on worrying about it unless absolutly necessary. Like K said, unless it is something like a kidney transplant, or other such thing, and you have exhausted all your other options (ie, other family members who may be a match) there is no reason to contact XOM about anything if you have decided to leave him out of the picture regarding this child.<P>Tigger

Hutch,<P>This is the way I see it...we have not needed my H's info for anything to do with our daughter and I do not personally know anyone who had to have genetic testing or even a blood sample for that matter for their kids, so I dont know why exOM would be different, except in the case of a transplant as K suggested.

Thanks all. I had a really rough day today. I was down in the dumps and ready to leave. Just tell me where to sign and I am out of here. But a little talking with my W and I felt a little better. I just keep playing the mental movies of her and OM and it starts a downward trend in my mood. I have to be busy every second of the day or I think about the A. Is that normal??

I hate to be the bummer here, but a dose of reality is a good thing. I think medical concerns are valid for all of us, especially when mate has had unprotected S. When I asked my H if he thought about the disease he could have gotten & passed on to me, he said "she didnt seem like the dirty type." DUH!! I reminded him that she was divorcing her H because HE had an A & who was THAT woman & who did SHE sleep with & was that the only A HE had had? Then there was the issue of the OW's past child abuse problems & who was THAT man and who else did he spend his time with?? I wish I had a dime for everytime he told me "I never thought of that." Plus my H has a "health problem". I asked him if he told OW about that? His answer... "I think so." Well truthfully, I dont think so. Their A started only a few weeks of their meeting & I cant imagine disclosing that kind of info to a stranger. When she reunited with her H I just imagined her telling him.."He didnt seem like the dirty type!" Testing will put your mind at ease. And just because your W wasnt smart about using protection doesnt mean you should leave her. It's wonderful you're trying so hard to be forgiving. As your relationship with your W improves, your images will be less and less. For a long time I just gave into them and cried about them. I would tell my H why I was crying...and the fact that he knew how hurt I was & the kind of images I had made me feel better. He was decent about the whole thing & would always tell me..."I understand" or "You're entitled to feel that way." No doubt you have known your W for some time. Dont forget who she was before the A. This was a terrible thing she did, but if shes remorseful its good if you just see it as a terrible mistake and not who she is as a person. Hope it all works out well.

Heart of Hope,<P>While your points are very valid, the question was for the child that Hutch's W is carrying, not for STD's. So, in a very real sence, it doesn't necessarily matter if XOM was "clean looking", because they are concerned about possible genetic problems. It is a real concern, but one that I don't think they should be all that concerned with. Being in their same boat, my H and I don't need to know XOM's medical background, for the very reason that we don't want XOM involved in ANY way in our lives again!! As I said in a prior post, here and on another thread about the same thing, it doesn't matter if there is something genetic, because if it is a major thing, other than a transplant situation, that ifno won't necessarily help, other than a point of origin. So, why cause more problems than are necessary? If something comes up, then God will help you handle it if you give it up to Him.<P>Tigger

Oh! Im usually not so clueless! What you said about genetics regarding the child, I feel, is essentially right. And I know from personal expereince. I have a 13yr old with an incurable genetic disease. I know that...YES God does help one deal with these type of challanging situations in our life, and it is not the end of the world. Knowing earlier would not have changed my sons diagnosis, however if there had been a way to know in advance of the chance that my child would have been prdisposed to a certain genetic problem I would like to have known. Testing can be done early on,& stratagies for improving the childs quality of life can be started earlier etc... Before my son was diagnosed he walked very slowly, and I used to tease him and call him "my pokey little puppy." Now I feel terrible because it wasnt his fault. I could have been more considerate of his physical limitations if I had known earlier. I had a girlfriend who lost a child as an infant to juvinile diabetes. She didnt know it was in her family, the doctors werent aware it was a possibility, so the symptoms went undiagnosed until it was too late. Her second child was tested at birth and was found to have the same thing. They were able help the child immediately, and he is now doing fine & is 3 yrs. old. So I would say, IF it is possible to get the medical background of a parent it is in the childs best interest to do so. It certainly wont hurt. But if not/ or should I say in any case..., build your faith and realize that what ever comes your way, God can give you "strenght beyond what is normal" to endure it. I wish in these situations, where there is a child involved, that the grown-ups could put aside their hurt feelings long enough to deal with issues about the child. In my case, my H had the A and the girlfriend has reconsilled with her H. She is not forthcoming about anything having to do with the OC. On the rare opportunity that I had to speak with her, and I was more than polite & reasonable, I asked her: "How do you see this all working out between the 4 of us?" Or "How does your husband want to see this all work out?" She replied "that's none of your business." treating me as if I had done something to hurt her! Its very hard to have to deal with a "stranger" in your life, especially if they are uncooperative, or hostile. I have empathy for everyone out there dealing with these issues. It hurts so much. Not only for the couple struggling to make sense of their "new" life, but because of the fear of the unknown when it comes to the OC. I think anything that helps to aleviate that fear is a good thing.

Heart of Hope,<P>I completely understand where you are coming from. In our case, XOM was very violent, assulted my H in our own front yard when XOM was asked to leave by both H and I on D-day! I don't want a person like that involved in my children's lives at ANY cost. As far as I know, XOM's W doesn't know either about Abbi. My H and I have chosen to raise her as OURS and that is how it will be. We will eventually tell her and her B and S what happened, but that won't be for a little while since she is just 5 months old. Also, she was tested at birth, due to her weight, for diabetes, and it came back negative. If, heaven forbid, something does come up at a later date, we will put our trust in God to help us through whatever it may be. <P>Don't feel as though you were wrong in your first response, because I think that my have prompted Mrs. Job to start the thread on HIV testing. It made us think about it instead of pushing it to the back burner. It sounds as if your S is doing well, and I'm sure he loves you, even though you called him your "pokey little puppy". Children can be so forgiving.<P>By the way, have you posted your full story yet? I don't recall seeing your name before this.<P><BR>Tigger

No, I havnt posted my story, because to tell you the truth I dont know how to. Im kind of computer illiterate and am proud of myself for even finding this web site and being able to reply at all! At first I thought my story was the most sad one on the face of the planet, but now I see many, many women & men are dealing with what I am, and possibly with even worse. It has been a great relief to me to be able to read how others are handling this in their life. Especially the success stories. I am 6 months from D-day (I'm slowly figuring out the lingo!) and we think our OC is being born as we speak! The OW is in the hospital today. That much I know. Its funny...she was so "good<BR> about calling my H all through the pregnancy to keep him informed of every time her feet swelled (thats an exageration, but you get the point) but would she call today to let us know she was actually delivering the baby. If she hadnt told my H last week that they were going to induce her this week if she didnt have the baby, and I hadnt made a call asking if she had been admitted, we still wouldnt know. Go figure! I think her husband has been kept in the dark about my H wanting to be a part of the childs life, and hes probably clueless shes even had any contact with him. Just a guess? Any way at first we asked her if she would let us raise the OC, (she was not with her H at the time and raising 2 small kids of her own alone.) It was a wild request, I know, and she said "No" but I would dearly love to have her out of my life for good. I see her (as my H never did) as an unstable individual, she & her H both, & I wonder what kind of life the OC will have with them, but that is the price you pay in a situation like this. My H does not have control of that, and trust me hes the type that loves to have control. Any way, since I am stuck with things the way they are, I am hoping that eventually, If I continue to treat her with respect, she will soften her attitude toward me, and make our access to the OC easier. Do miracles still happen?!

. Any way, since I am stuck with things the way they are, I am hoping that eventually, If I continue to treat her with respect, she will soften her attitude toward me, and make our access to the OC easier. Do miracles still happen?![/B][/QUOTE]<BR> I think so. So far our visiatations are going well but partly because I make them.I know our legal rights and i would have NO problem bringing a cop with us if I had to.<P>

What IF<BR>I guess we will do the same if we have to. I hate to have to resort to that bc I imagine things can get ugly.

Hutch,<BR>I have been following your anguish for some time by lurking on these boards, and I want you to know that it has been approximately 3 years and 2 months since DD for me. My W gave birth to twins that are from the OM ( I use that term because it is the nicest way to put it). I am raising the twins as my own and I consider my marriage well recovered but not complete yet. I do not post often, but read most if not all of the replaies on the MB boards. If I can answer any of your questions or concerns please ask. I did not get counseling from the Harleys but did seek individual counseling for myself after DD. I admire the wisdom of many on these boards and have used many of thier suggestions to much success. Hang in there Bud! I will respond if you ask cause I was where you were long ago, but perservered through some really dark times.<BR>Ken