My wife and I have been married 18 years, last 5 have not been very good, no communication at all. We both are christians with much integrity, and even when times were bad I never thought in a million years my wife was capable of betrayal. However 5 weeks ago my heart told me she belonged to another, so I confronted her and was totally crushed to find that it was true. Devastated doesn't even come close to describe the way I felt. I knew I wasn't the perfect husband,in fact I guess I was asking for it, I showed her little or no affection. I decided that if I had any chance at all in getting her back, I must first change me. I bought all of Dr. Harley's books and followed everything he teaches to a "T". When she confessed to the affair and I told her I still loved her, she dropped the other guy. She also studied all the books I bought and we both did a complete 180. We both have renewed our love for each other. We are meeting each other's emotional needs. And we've never been closer. I should be greatful for the outcome and I am, after reading what other couples have been through it could have been much worse. But I can't get over the pain. It's been 5 weeks now, and I still cry everyday, and that's hard on the male ego. Our marriage is wonderful now, but I can't get out of my mind what happened. It's making me crazy, I know 5 weeks isn't enough time to totally heal, but I must put it behind me, and can't! It's starting to bother my wife as well. She can't understand why I can't stop dwelling on it. I forgive her, because I know I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Believe it or not I think I even trust her as we've made that much progess. I just can't forget!

You're doing wonderfully well!!! Don't beat yourself up!! This was a huge, huge thing your W did, and you are far ahead of many betrayed spouses. My H included. It's been four months since discovery, and three months since my affair ended. My H still can't sleep, can't eat well, and cries often. He says he can't forgive me. <P>Everyone is different in how they process crisis situations, but there are some similarities. Everyone goes through a grieving process, after all the marriage as you knew it died. So, you're still going to cry, you're still going to think about it. You'll never forget, but the memory will fade with time and there will be a time when days and then weeks, and then yes, years will go by without giving it a thought. Time is a wonderful healer. And, of course, God is the great healer.<P>Best wishes to you and your W as the healing begins...

RWC -<P>First I want to congratulate you and your wife for being so diligent and helping yourselves enough to begin enjoying a wonderful and better married life together. You are a good man who was able to recognize what things that you could do to change the not so good parts of the marriage. That is not an easy thing and you are exceptional for doing it!!!! Bravo!!!<P>It sounds like you already know that your W's affair was purely a sign of help that she really wanted you to acknowledge and bring her back from. You did and that is why you are both where you are now.<P>As for your pain - it's normal and perfectly natural!!! Let it run it's course.....there's a lot of emotions that need to be expressed by you that must have been pushed aside in order that you were able to concentrate on doing all the good work that you did. Now that you've accomplished that end of things your emotions are coming to the surface. This is good and means that you are working through them and they will not turn into resentments at a future date.<P>I don't think that it is "dwelling" - I think that it is cleansing!!!! It's probably not just your W's affair, it could be the bottled up tension of the past five years as well as the confusion of what to do about things for so long.<BR>It could be your fear of losing her and the life that you envisioned for yourself - now you have much relief and sometimes that comes out in tears, also.<P>Nothing is an excuse for an affair - all problems should be worked on. Sometimes though, there is a roadblock in the way of that happening and an affair occurs. Perhaps in your case it was God giving you a little push when nothing else seemed to work......Try to think of it as a lesson from GOD that we are all human and must be consistantly aware of our treatment of others - especially those we love the most.<P>So, let your emotions run their course!! You won't forget - and you shouldn't!! I am not talking of the pain, I am speaking of taking the perspective that all of us need nurturing and love and if you don't contribute it to your wife you could lose hers - and visa versa!!<P>You will both be fine, better than ever in fact, for God has already smiled upon you to bring you both to the point you are with your marriage.<P>HUGS and best wishes to you.<P>Sheba

RWC,<P>Oh my goodness, for only 5 weeks into recovery, you and your W are doing EXCEPTIONALLY WELL!! Please go easy on yourselves. Give yourself time to be angry, time to hurt, and especially time to heal. You have been given a great blessing to have a W who was willing to let go of the OM and rebuild without a blink of an eye. And your W has been blessed with a wonderful life partner who is forgiving and committed to rebuilding. <P>Your feelings are normal. It is not dwelling for you to be in pain. Let your W come here and read some of these posts so that she can see your feelings are right on track. Even under the good circumstances you have, this is probably the toughest thing you've ever endured and it should be treated as such.<P>Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself, and ask your W to be patient with you. Just as you are trying to forgive her for hurting you, she should try to forgive you if you love bust along the way. Forgiveness. Patience. Time. Love. You're on your way. Keep up the fantastic work!<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

I thank all of you for your response. I guess I don't need to tell you how much it means to me, we all come to this web site for basically the same reason, no matter what the situation is. Again thanks for the advise!<P>RWC

5 WEEKS! Wow I discovered my wife's affair over 2 years ago and am still mourning and grieving the loss. I cry yet especially in the dark quiet times of the morning when the day is just starting out. I used to absolutley love the start of a new day, with the sun bringing the new day to life with its light and warmth. But now I know that the light of each new day will always be just a bit dimmer and no matter what the season the warmth of the sun will not be the same as before my sweetness betrayed me with internet scum. There can be no deeper pain for a trusting kind man or woman who truly thought all was well with their marriage than to be betrayed by their mate. I bet there are many other men and women out there whose only conscious mistake was 'their loving eyes could never see'