Dear Mr. Sinner,
A number of suggestions come to mind, and I wil rattle them off, and you can priortize them for yourself.
1. MB basics is that you make deposits to the Love bank, and try to minimize the withdrawals. If you feel that disclosure would be a major withdrawal, then delaying the date of disclosure until you have more in the bank, may be wise. In the meantime, you can continue to make deposits to your wife's love bank. Try to be good to her. Are you making the most effective love deposits with the resources you have? Have you read The Love Diet? The link is under Negotiating, at the end of the 180 Devree Divorce Busting article posted by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN.
2. Now that you see the advantage of avoiding straying, more clearly than before, look to see if there is anything coming up that you could plan to handle more carefully, to avoid any appearance of straying. Can you call your wife more frequently to let her know where you are? I have a $15.00 per month Verizon prepaid cell phone in my car, and my wife has a voice mail, so I can leaver her a message 24 hours, if I can't reach her.
3. Since you are feeling guilty, you should try to set up an attonement for yourself, that upon disclosure of the past straying, you will be able to say, "Yes, I was wrong about that, and I have done _________ as attonement." You can start working on your attonement now.
4. Since you are feeling guilty, you need to recognize that your sense of self-worth is probably reduced. When I have felt guilty, I have undertaken more chances than I should have. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take some time to get centered, breathe deeply once in a while.
5. Avoid talking about the secret to others. Even if you were to disclose the indiscretion to your wife this minute, it would be least burdensome if no one else is told about it. Part of the burden of straying, is that you need to avoid talking about it to anyone else, to best protect your wife's feelings from being further damaged. The more people that know about your indiscretion, the more the hurt to your wife.
6. If your wife asks, upon diclosure, "Who else knows about this?" You want to be sure you are not the one that told anyone else. This is your duty to your wife, whatever date disclosure takes place.
7. Counselors and attorneys sometimes make mistakes. You have a right to sue them for their mistakes. A lawsuit is not ordinariy what will help save your marriage. To my knowledge, this website is secure, but I would be wary of disclosing the information to anyone. If you seek help, the counselor should be able to help you just on the basis of handling the guilt from the disclosed incident.
8. There are many self-improvement courses available today. I have taken advantage of many courses. One attonement idea would be taking a parenting course with your wife. That should also reduce love busters and love withdrawals on parenting issues. Silva Method, out of Laredo, Texas, is good for boosting self-esteem. I read Scientology books and listen to L Ron Hubbzard tapes driving to work. I have taken the Dale Carnegie Course, PET and two other parenting courses, Silva, Silva Graduate, and Negoitating seminars.
Work on enjoying your marriage, each day. If you feel that your marriage may fall apart soon, for whatever reason, just try to enjoy each additonal day that you are given. Beatles: "With a love like that, you know you should be glad." When I come home, and I see my wife's car, I know I have one more day to enjoy her. I intend to find ever new ways to enjoy my wife, one day at a time.
Blessings
Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling
