I'm very nervous I've read so many threads where so many wives were happy to be going to court and end up disappointed. CD- you said you went in front of the judge with your H. Were you guys the only one in court or was it an open court room? I asked my H if he wanted me to come up with him. He said he felt I should be able to have my say and told me to just walk up with him when they call his name. I would be too embarassed if a judge tells me I have to sit back down. <P>We had a good counseling session today. I was sort of arguing with him (before the session) I wasn't trying to LB but I was very nervous and I started instructing him what to say in court as if he was our 10 year old son. Anyway after the session we hunged and were able to talk about everything without any arguments. <P>It made me feel a lot better about facing tomorrow. Add us to your pryaers and thoughts.<P><BR>Unsure

Unsure, H and I, had to go to court almost 6 yrs. ago to see OC's. The judge totally ignored me, like I was a stick of wood. The social worker, before court, was amused at situation. One OC came for a week, the other, OC, being 14 yrs. of age, chose not to come. The point I am trying to make is, the judge will only refer to your H. The social worker will refer only to your H. Keep quiet, and only speak when asked a question. Good luck. ember

Hi unsure,<BR>I went to court with h, and felt quite welcome. In fact, I did most of the speaking for my h - the judge directed all his questions about us to me. I'm guessing this was partly because I looked first-class (I'm not saying I was beautiful or anything, just made a point of dressing well and appearing dignified) whereas ow and clan looked rather trashy, especially her "witnesses" who came to court in heavy-metal t-shirts (really!). <P>I vote that you should go - dress and act like a lady, and see what happens. even if the judge doesn't address you or give you the chance to speak, he'll surely notice that you are dignified and that you and your h are appearing together as a team. Sometimes a good appearance counts for a lot. Make yours a great first impression.<P>Good luck - let us know how you do. You'll be in my prayers.<BR>-cd

P.S. I always "coach" my h before court by asking him every single question that he could possibly be asked by the judge. It's a great idea for you to help your h get prepared. preparation is half the battle!

Dear Unsure,<P>We havent been to court. I just wanted to let you know you and your H and the judge will be in my prayers.<P>Love<P>bw

Hi guys,<P>I typed this long reply and aol booted me off. I'll respond tomorrow my baby woke up.<P>Unsure.

Dear Unsure<P>Just wanted to let you know that we went to court on Fri. I decided to not go up with lawyer and H, and as we were going in, the lawyer suggested the same thing. The judge directly addressed h and ow. I would have been in the way. I will tell you that I was noticed. The rep for the attorney general's office-person representing the oc's and state's interest came out and comended me for staying with my h and working things out in our marriage-that's the short version. My suggestion-do what you feel most comfortable doing, but carry yourself with all the dignity and grace that you've shown so far. This will just make ow fume and look pathetic. Good luck.<BR>ivc

In retrospect, when the judge ordered me to leave the court room, I wish I would have stayed and said:<P>"With all due respect, Your Honor, what happens here today impacts ME. I wish to be included. This is MY husband, MY life, and if I am raped into step-motherhood by having a significant portion of our family's income to go to this OW, I insist on hearing what is said here today. I am my husband's children's stepmother from a previous marriage, with custody, for two decades. Any child of my husband's is my step child and impacts my life. I insist on staying." <P>Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock.<P>One thing I can tell you, is that I did present an attitude of steely resolve and so should you. I did this by reminding myself that I did not cause any of this to happen, I was the wronged party in all this and I took the stance that they all owed me consideration and kept my chin up. I had nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to be cowed over and no one was going to intimidate me under any circumstances.<P>BE STRONG...EVEN IF YOU FAKE IT. It will make them nervous.<P>Catnip =^^=

Here's the good, the bad, and the ugly.<P>The Bad-We got to court exOW was not there judge called H and asked where exOW is H told judge he didn't know because he doesn't talk to her. She finally showed up 45 min late walked in the court house saw me and flipped out. She immediately turned aroung got a marshall and claimed she had a protection order against me. She showed him the old protection order they placed against me when she lied and said I was making harrassing phone calls. I calmly told the Marshall to go look up the records and he will see there's no order against me. He did came back and stated in a very loud voice Mrs. Unsure you are correct sorry about any inconvience the charges were dismissed against you and this order has been vacated. (If you saw the steam coming out of her ears you would have laughed) <P>But that wasn't the end she ran down stairs to the clerks office and said she want a retraining order against me etc...When she finally showed up an hour late the judge was pissed asked what was going on? She was like a just found out the protection order I had against her is no good. I'm filing a restraining order against her now. The judge said if you think your going to be able to put a restraining order against Mrs. Unsure because your a woman scorned your wrong. She was like the clerk said I could, he repeated I'm the judge that this order desk has to cross and unless there's immediate physical danger to you, you will not get an order against Mrs. Unsure. I was beaming inside I couldn't beleive she came to court acting so trashy her and her sister.<P>The Ugly- I took all of your advice I looked and dressed the part of someone with class and acted the part. But after the protection order incident I was still upset. My H and exOW were ordered to go to mediation. My H knew I was upset he grabbed me and hugged and apoligized for the situation and he was like I can't believe I ever messed with someone like her. Anyway they call H name and we walk up to mediator exOW and her sis walks up too, the mediator tells us to wait a minute. It's in a small tight hall way she's staring at me so I smile, in a loud voice she says, your still talking sh-- I was like what?!! All of a sudden her and her sis jumped to attack me with the baby in her hands!! My H jumped in front of me and told them to back off, but I'm ashamed to admit I flipped out I told her all the things I had been holding inside since Sept. <P>I was so upset I let her get to me, I cried all the way home. I could have ignored them but, I think them physically trying to attack me was the straw that broke the camels back. Anyway they called her and H into mediation and you could her them screaming in the waiting room. She said so many lies to the mediator about me it was rediculous. I supposedly told her I was going to kill her and the baby. I also told her my 16 mth daughter wasn't my H daughter!! lol (as if I would tell her anything at all)<P>The Good- After an half hour H comes and get me and bring me into mediation room. Mediator is nice and commends me for trying to work things out with H and was very sympatheic. She told me an agreement was made but she and my H felt I should have input. H would go see oc for supervised visit's at her mother house for 3 months (the judge told H in courtroom he would have supervised visit because of oc age 8 mths) I said the only way I would agree to the arrangement is if she wasn't at the visits and my children were allowed to attend visits so can meet and get to know oc. They have known about oc for 5 months we told them the day I got arrested. I was the saddest day of my life. Anyway, exOw flipped again she wasn't going with the arragnement she wanted to know why I had to have a say etc.. The mediator slowly explained when you are married you become one. Your H won't make a decsion unless you agree with it. I slipped out she doesn't understand because she was never married. She was like well I'll be at the first few visits because my mom doesn't speak english. I said crying is an international laungage your mother will allready know oc needs to be soothe until she get used to H. Insruct your mother in spanish that H might need help with oc until she gets used to him. She was so pissed at me. I was very poised and calm at this point. She was like I want be there it's my baby. I said if you only want a father for your child you would do what best for the baby. She wasn't about to agree and the mediator said to her, "I can't tell you want to do but you do realize the judge could order you to have Mr. Unsure pick up the baby tomorrow and it will be nothing you could do". In the end she relented h and I already decided in advance that she would not be at any of the visits. As the mediator filled out the visitation agreement she asked ow is this your first baby? She replied no she's my fourth the mediators eye's popped out of her head. <P>When we went back to the court house the judge actually thanked me for mediating with H to make it easier for oc to have a father in her life.<P>Thank You all very much for your suppoprt they were words I needed to hear. I hate that I broke down but I think I needed to vent. <P><BR>Unsure<P>P.S. CD- exOW had a t-shirt on with legging and beach sandals!! I'm 29 I live right next to NY and I dress really chic can you imagine what the judge thought?! Please excuse all typos, I'm the spelling and grammer check queen. And I'm sorry this post is so long.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by UNSure919400 (edited August 21, 2001).]

Oh Unsure! I enjoyed reading about the good the bad and the ugly.<BR>You are some kind of lady!<P>I can't imagine what I'd do if ow pulled any of this in front of me. I think I'd call her all the bad names I've thought of her. Geeze! I still haven't heard a thing from our lawyer about our situation yet. <P>Let us know how things finally go.<P>Bless you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Unsure,<P>I was also pleased to read about your experience in court! I hope that you and H can continue to have things go this way.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Hey unsure,<BR>That sound you hear is me applauding you! Great job!<BR>-cd

Thank you all for your support CD I'm taking a bow. I'll let you know how things go. H is suppose to go on his first visit Sat. I wonder if she's going to try and be there? Have any of you experienced this exOW said to the Judge and Mediator, Mr. Unsure and I get along well we never argue I just have a problem with his wife. <P> I look at it this way H dropped you 5 mths before D date. You had no way to get in touch with him so he didn't find out about that your were P until you were 5 1/2 mths and after he found out he still had nothing to do with you. So you tell me and he drops all contact with you as if you were a hot potatoe. You called the day you were giving birth he said he wasn't going to the hospital. He has no contact with you or oc for 8 months. After oc is born he asked for paternity test. After test he asks for visitation you lied and get me arrested so again no contact. Then you and your sister tried to attack me H come to my defense. When it comes to me saying I don't want you at visits H say can't you go shopping or something I don't want you there. <P> Hello am I wrong but shouldn't her problem be with H instead of me. My H and I decided she was crazy and he knows this won't be the end of the madness. My problem is when do you decide enough is enough and end contact w/oc because of her mother's action we both know it's going to get to that. My h wants to be a part of oc life and I really support him I think she needs at least one sane parent to give her the support she's going to need in life. But I can't deal with this craziness. She pushing me to the edge. I almost hate her now. Hate is a strong word but to observe someone try and hurt you for no reason! It makes me want to encourage H to have no contact at all. I decided not to include my D in visits H and S's have with oc. I don't trust her family at all. What do you guys think about my baby not going to visits?<P><BR>Unsure<P>Unsure

Hi Unsure,<BR>Here is my 2 cents:<P>Up until the visitations had a violent element that last time, h and I did take our younger boys (2 and 10 months) along for a couple of visits. We did not take our oldest or second oldest boys (9 and 4 years) because we did not want them to hear ow or her mother's rude/hostile/sexual comments to us. Back then, the hostility was all verbal, and we figured most of it would be over their heads. <P>However, your ow has actually attacked you. In my opinion (and you can take it or leave it ) I don't think you should send either child into a potentially violent situation. I know that it is important to you and your h to introduce your children to oc, but it is much more important that they are safe. Plus, I feel that it would be better for your children to meet oc with you present (when you are able to be included in visits) so that they get to see that you are ok with oc and that you and h are handling this together.<P>I know that ow has been told not to be there, but don't count on her listening. Our ow has also been forbidden (by Children and Youth) to be anywhere on the premesis during our visits, but she's there anyway! Ow in general seem to think that visitation is about THEM, not about oc. I would almost bet my paycheck that ow will be there when your h comes to visit, and I think you would be wise not to expose your child to her unbalanced behavior. <P>It is a shame that you aren't permitted to go along to the first couple visits. I have always attended every supervised visit with my h. <P>-cd

In spite of your justified meltdown, I am really impressed with the way you handled yourself. Class will tell...always.<P>Catnip =^^=

Dear Unsure,<P>I am so impressed,the way you handle yourself in court. These ow won't stop at nothing. I do understand the way you feel I went to court with h the first 2 times before claiming separation and childsupport. Ow did tried to provoke me in court, with nasty comments I ignore them. I have to tell you it was one of the hardest thing I have ever done, when in reality I want it to strangle <BR>her. These ow have the same pattern of thinking. They act this way because they don't have our H.<P>*Always look your best in court and show that you have class something that she will never have.<P>keep us post <BR>mina

Unsure,<BR>you did great! You are doing extraordinary things under extraordinary circumstances. Pat on the back and hugs!

Thank you again all for your support and kind words. <P>CD-I never thought exOW would have the guts to show up at her mom house the first visit. I already told my children they were going to visit their sister I don't know what to do now. My 10 year old developed behavior problems because of this (the A) he's happy one minute, violent and angry the next minute, and sad and clingy after that. The therapist he was seeing said he wanted to meet oc really bad. I thought this would help him start to heal. He's finally able to be with H and not look sad all of a sudden. His anger was directed at H, his sadness was because he was afraid I was going to get hurt again. I never cried in front of them actually once I did I woke crying and couldn't stop H and I were doing well I don't know what happend that day. Anyway, if I don't send him do you think I'll get him started again he's been doing well this summer no angry out bursts at all. I told them (my children) to get them prepared I didn't want to spring it on them right before they were leaving. Do you think I made the wrong choice? <P>I DON"T want my children hurt anymore by this at all. They are the most important things to me right now I love them too much to see them hurt again. To be honest I truly think exOW would like to be around my children so she could try and get them to like her. I truly believe she feels she could steal H from me after all this. <P>H and I were talking tonight about the mediation meeting I asked him when he agreed to see oc at exOW Mom house did you not think she would be there. He said we didn't come to an agreement until you came into the room. Before you came in the room she (the mediator) was only giving me my options. I'm like why didn't you tell me that!! The only reason I agreed to let you go to oc grandmothers house is because I wanted to support you visiting oc. And I felt as long as exOW wasn't there it would be no problem. I'm really pissed at him right now! Especially now that it might cause harm to my babies if they go with him to the visit. Please give me some advise. <P>Unsure<BR>

Dear Unsure,<P>Bravo Bravo!! For being such a classy lady in court.<P>Question: (and i apologize if i missed it) why cant you go to these visits? How long are they supposed to be for? If ow is there will H stay? How often are they? Maybe you could talk to your son about meeting oc next time. But you are right, ow probably will not harm your children in any way..she wants H to see what a little family they could be, right. PUKE!<P>Many prayers<P>bw

BW-<P>Thank you for your support! I said I wanted to be there, but after what happend in the mediation room, the court order can't keep her sister away from their mother's house. So I think it's best for me to not go to the supervised visits and get to know OC when she comes to our house. I will not put my children in a situation where they have to see mom physically defend herself. Your right psycho exOW would love to look like the happy family with my children. My son hates her because on an incident that happened in a doctor's office. My DR. was out of town I had to bring my baby (D) to her replacement which happens to be exOW children doctor and she flipped out acting really stupid so he doesn't like her from that. She could never replace me in my children or H heart. Anyway, H and I talked last night after I posted we decided if she's there even if she says she's leaving he will turn around and walk out. Then he will try it again and hopefully she will get the point. These visits are for 3 months so that oc feels comfortable with H after that he can have unsupervised visits. My H and I own our home exOW lives in a low income housing complex can you believe she said she didn't feel safe with oc coming to our house. Hello!! You're living in the projects we live in a nice area and we have a big back yard for the kids to play in. (No offense to anyone when H and I first got married we were young 19 & 20 we didn't have a lot of money so we didn't always live in the best neighborhoods) I'm going to talk to H tonight and see what he thinks about the kids going and take it from there. Thanks again all for all your support!!<P>Unsure <P>P.S. I can't wait until this is over so I can change my name.