I'm new to this discussion forum and website. I'm in need of help. A week ago today, I received an anonymous call that told me that my husband had pregnated the grown daughter of my brother-in-law's wife. A year ago my husband was deported due to immigration problems until his residency was determined. We suffered our distance and felt our marriage became stronger. It has been 5 months since he was able to return. I immediately confronted my husband and he admitted that while away he had a one night stand with this woman, who then lived there while her mother here waited for immigration documents to approve her daughters to move to U.S. The daughters have now been here a few months. My H and I have a 6yr old daughter and he has a 10 yr old from a previous marriage. I'm hurt and angry. My husband is begging for forgiveness and not to leave him, especially for our daughter. I can't imagine ever trusting him, ever seeing this child, accepting it, allowing a relationship with it, child support, etc! Please help! I'm distraught. Don't know what to do. I have read some of the postings and it seems like a lot of women have been able to survive the affair and improve the marriage. How? What can I do?

Hi marigo,<BR>Just wanted to welcome you to our forum - weekends are often slow, so don't be frustrated by the lack of response. I'm sure everyone will jump in to help in short order <P>as you can see, many of us do succeed in repairing our marriage after the affair - and some do not fare so well due to a myriad of reasons.<P>It's a good sign that your h appears to be deeply remorseful. You will probably want to read all of the Harleys materials on surviving an affair, and perhaps Jenny will be along soon and pull up her "tips for newbies" thread, which is a great place to start.<P>Keep posting, and we'll help anyway we can.<BR>-cd

marigo, welcome. You have found a safe place to vent. I often wonder how I found this place. I don't remember except I was desperate for help.<P>It has been 9 months for me. H confessed and moved out all in an hour. Begged me not to divorce him. He was in and out 2 times until I accepted him. At first his behavior didn't change the way I thought it should.<P>I had counseling. We had counseling. The Harleys principals saved our marriage along with a full commitment from my H to stand together with me on everything important. It was a long road and he didn't act the "role" of good H at first. Slowly he did and life although it's frightening at times is basically good for us now.<P>You are raw with grief now. It will take time but can be done. Read, counsel, pray. Not in that order but you will slowly see results if you love H and want your marriage. Do not worry what others think. You two are the only ones who count.<P>Bless you today and always.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Marigo,<P>I feel your pain. It is something you will never forget, even if you divorce your H, I would imagine.<P>It has been over 2 years for me and I am here to tell you it can work and it can be worth it. As Gemini's H mine didnt play the role you would expect him to play. He didnt beg for mercy or forgiveness for that matter. IT took him a year to really begin working on our marriage. Oc will me 2 in Oct. My marriage now is just wonderful. There have been many blessings come out of this tragedy. The Lord certainately does work in mysterious ways and who are we to question them...although we have a tendecy to question anyways. Rest assured if this is what you want and you are willing to put in the work it can be beautiful once again. If you havent yet be sure to read Harleys principles and I highly reccomend Survivng An Affair. I and my H read this and I jsut found out yesterday that he quit his job as a restaurant manager bc of this book. He told me (he quit the job in June) that he was constantly being hit on and even flashed and he quit mostly for that reason...for me. I was really taken back bc I had doubted that he had read the book. I will doubt him no longer. I believe in my H again and that is something I never thought I would do. I loved him thoughtout although sometimes the love felt an awful lot like hate, and I thought I might b eable to one day respect him again, but never thought I would have faith in him again. I do.<P>This is a wonderful place for you to be if you have been put in the situation. Dont give up.<P>God bless you and your family....<P>Love<BR>broken_wings

Dear Marigo,<P>Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that you have to be joining our group. I wish the whole world read this site and learned of the pain that affairs cause. It would be a better world.<P>Dear BW,<P>What the H-E-double matchsticks (my grandmother's way of saying "hell") is wrong with some women? Flashing a man at a restaurant? If that were a man doing the flashing there would be cops swarming the place. NOW would be out in force; the whole world would be up in arms. <P>(I should know my ex-step-brother used to be a flasher. Boy was that a family scandal. It was all over the news for months that he was out there and when he was finally arrested the family trauma was really yucky. They did the whole perp walk where the police paraded him past TV cameras, everything. My step-father, a known perv and child molester was mortified to see his unusual family name splattered all over the papers and the news. Instead of getting the treatment he so obviously needed they struck a deal that they wouldn't send him to jail if he moved away. Great choice guys! just foist the problem on some other unsuspecting population. My mother divorced my step-father shortly after that [not because of the son's flashing incidents but because my step-father was so insecure he kept accusing her of having affairs and telling their friends of his suspicions even though she was absolutely innocent.] I have no idea what has happened to my ex-step-brother nor step-father--don't want to know.)<P>MJ

Marigo....<P>This is devastating news and it will take many months for you to digest it. You will go through many stages of grief, anger, denial, sadness, and even acceptance...some of these emotions will come all at once, confusing your thinking and emotions. They say it takes two years of intensive recovery to begin the healing process and get through the issues of embarrassment, involvement with OC and family members feelings and opinions.<P>Be true to yourself, read the books and follow the Harley principles and come here every day and post everything you think and feel. Read the others' posts and don't be afraid to express yourself here. Like Gem said, it is a SAFE place to put your anger. This way you will not dump a lot of stuff on the spouse and allow your marriage a chance at survival.<P>The hurt, the shock and embarrassment of these events are so crushing that you will probably experience a kind of trauma for a while. This is the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage and it takes a lot of time, a lot of study and adhering to the Harley rules, policies and principles. Please read everything the Harley's have written until you understand what it is you must do.<P>We are all here for you. Let us know what you need.<P>Love and prayers<P>Catnip =^^=

Broken Wing<P>Are these restaurant bimbos from the video "College Girls Gone Wild"???<P>Do you see what is now the norm...what is now acceptable behavior, what is now championed and thought of as just "harmless fun"?<P>Flashing the boss, TV cameras or anyone in public, is no longer a shame or an embarrassment. No social stigma, anything goes...no more dignity, decorum or self respect...Isn't that pathetic?<P>This society and all its ills are responsible for women thinking it is perfectly OK to phuque a MM and allow herself to get knocked up and saddle his innocent wife and children with enormous heartache and enormous financial burden...causing some of us to have to leave town, change our names and work for cash so the courts can't confiscate our entire paychecks leaving us nothing to live on. Ahhhh, the evil and corrupt system, the disintegrating society...what a world.<P>I often wonder what these low rent tramps will think thirty or forty years from now when they are old hags with their tits on the floor and have their not-so-glorious memories to ponder in their old age...will they be PROUD?<P>Too bad YOU can't flash them a lawsuit for sexual harassment. Pigs.<P>Catnip =^^=

thank you Gemini 1, cdcollins, BW, MJ and all the rest that have responded to my posting.<BR>All of your words are encouraging but I can't imagine it yet. I go to counseling on Thursday, meanwhile, I haven't been able to speak about this to anyone! I'm putting up a front at work and it even hurts just to smile. My eyes fill with tears in seconds and it is so hard to get through these days. These postings are a bit of relief to me.<BR>I'm curious of a few things, 1) What is the relationship or existance of the OC in your lives, in your families? Do you see the OC, participate in family activities, pay child support? What relationship do they have with your children? What do your children know or think about the OC? These are just things I refuse to accept! It makes me feel guilty and shelfish because I know it is not the childs fault. But at the same time, HE IS MY HUSBAND AND THE FATHER OF OUR CHILDREN! 2) What do other people (family/friends) think and say? 3)Did your families judge you for trying to make it work? 4) What are your ethnicities/culture practices. I ask this because, I am of latino descent and I know in my side of my family this is unacceptable. I mean I'm sure that latino men can be stereotyped into the "latin lover" or "casanovo" but a wife accepting an affair and an OC is ridiculous and unacceptable. <BR>thanks again for your support. I look forward to some of answers for my burning questions.<BR>marigo93<BR><P>------------------<BR>marigo93

I'm French and Irish and Catholic and I don't share.<P>We have No Contact and never will. Our three grown children do not know of OC's existence and we will try to keep it that way as long as we can for a host of reasons.<P>It is MY husband, MY marriage and OW was an uninvited interloper who called all the shots and made all the decisions to keep OC, have OC, get knocked up on the first place, without asking the opinion of any of the other people who would be impacted forever.<P>Don't get sucked into misplaced guilt!!! Do not allow yourself to hold yourself responsible for things you had absolutely nothing to do with, no control in. Refuse to allow the misplaced guilt confuse you and remember, you did nothing wrong, this mess is not of your doing, your only responsibility is to your husband and children and family. And primarily, yourself.<P>And it is no one's business but your own. Whether or not you tell anyone of any of this is your call, your decision and if people get upset because you did not relay this information to them...too damn bad. It's none of their business. This is a private and painful thing and if you choose to keep this your secret and people find out about it later somehow, just say "Now why would I want to share such painful and embarrassing news like this with anyone?"<P>Family members and friends will have their opinions. They will be protective of you and hate to see you in pain. Listen to them but do what is right for you. Never apologize or explain your feelings. What you want, need, feel and desire is the ONLY thing that matters right now.<P>Lastly, it takes around two years to go through the grief process and all the predictable stages of anger, denial and finally acceptance of the situation. Don't make any life altering decisions for at least six months. You need to process all these new issues into your life, you need to grieve to begin to heal.<P>The tears will come for a while at the most inopportune times, but don't get discouraged, they will diminish as time goes by. <P>Prayers<P>Catnip =^^=<P>

Hi Marigo,<P>I agree with all the above I just wanted to give you my support. It's been 11 mths since D-day I felt the same things you feel. I'm African American the women in my family are very strong some didn't think I should give my H a second chance, others who really loved me and cared for me supported my decsion and choice to give my H a second chance. I don't think it matters what ethnic background you are from we are are united in a sister hood of survivalship. A group of women/men who are in pain and who give each other support because we've been where you are at now. <P>It's your choice you have to decide what you want some walk away others stay. I sometime wish no one knew. But everybody in my family knows and everybody who knows the exOW and me know. She broadcasts who her childs father is and shows no remorse that she slept with a married man. I didn't post at first because if you read my thread my exOW is latin Columbian to be exact. (I didn't want you to think I have a problem with all latin people just exOW) But I felt your pain and it touched me. I wanted you to know there are others out there that have been where you are at. You and your family are in my prayers.<P>Unsure

Dupl. post<p>[This message has been edited by UNSure919400 (edited August 22, 2001).]

Hi Catnip & Unsure,<BR>Thanks for your latest responses.<BR>I'm originally from the east coast & so all of my family are somewhere on the east or in So. America. So no one in my family knows about this horrible situation. However, my H's family is all here out in the west, not only same state, same small city! He has a total of 5 brothers and sisters (plus all their respective partners with their side of their families), tons of cousins, nephews, & nieces,etc! They are very close knit family, always having informal get togethers, take care of each others' kids, calling each other, etc. Sometimes this is good, other times, as you can imagine becomes very gossipy! Supposedly, my brother-in-law told my H about pregnant OW, and supposedly, my H has not spoken again to this OW who he had supposedly a 1-nighter with. Notice I keep saying supposedly-it's bc I thought I knew this man & never thought he'd cheat on our marriage. Now, I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth, I second think EVERYTHING he has told me about this. We are hardly speaking, I'm very cold towards him on every attempt he makes. He keeps asking me to forgive him. Last night we spoke a little while, I asked him if he would ever forgive me if it were I who had sex with someone else, touching my body, and became quite graphic in sexual details with him. I want to see him squirm, torture him! I made him answer me, and all he could say is that he didn't know. So I asked him why does he expect me to forgive him. He has offered for us to get up and move out of the area, buy a house, (which we had been saving up to do), anything for us to work on our marriage. I asked him what he plans on doing when this OC is born, having a relationship w/it or not. He said that even if he wanted to, he doesn't think the OW or her side of family would allow it. I let him know that, even though I kind of feel guilty & shelfish about this, if I forgave him, I don't want to see or know of or have him see or know of or let our daughter & his son EVER know about the OC. He said he is fine w/that but that he doubts that the children will not ever know.Unfortunately, I know that is a reality. Eventually, when they are older (7 & 10 now)they will find out, especially, since 2 of their cousins (brothers & same age as our kids) are 1/2 little brothers of the pregant OW. My H's nephew's will be 1/2 uncles & 1/2 cousins! Since I've known about A, (a little over 1wk)I keep feeling like his family are laughing about this whole situation & how stupid of me. (I guess that is part of the humiliation that I feel). But he had been denying to me that his sisters/family knew, however yesterday, he stated 1 of his sisters feels bad & embarrassed & hopes that I don't think that they were covering for him in any way. Since I have known, they have only called me maybe 2 or 3x's for 1 thing or another, but never talked about what is going on. I feel like I don't want anything to do w/them.I will refuse to participate in anymore gatherings.<P>Sorry for such a long posting, but even if no one really reads the whole thing, letting everything out feels good. I finally go to counseling tomorrow night.<BR>Good night. Thanks again!<BR>marigo93

Dear Marigo,<P>My H's mother is from and lives in Mexico. HIs father is from here in Tx and is of redneck descent (lol). My hubby's mom and dad and sister were told, but other than that I dont think anyone else knows. If they did, it wouldnt matter much to me as I am not close to his family and neither is he with most of them. None of my family knows a thing. I have one aunt who knows of the A and my Mom knows (though i never told her and she has never brought it up to me) and I think a lot of them suspect an A for the simple fact that we were physically seperated for so long and he is a male. I guess if they were to ask me point blank I would tell them, bc I am not ashamed of what I did not do. All my friends know and I got a variety of responsed from them, but ultimately they have all been supportive. I have discovered I have some really great friends.<P>We have no contact at all. Children do not and will not know anytime soon. Not until oc comes knocking at my door in 16 years. When she does I will invite her in and we will see where we all stand. We do not pay cs. Have no clue even as to where ow is. I say we dont pay cs, we dont pay it for oc, but H does have child from before me. We were at one point but when ow sued for it thru the courts we sued back for joint custody and that make her drop her case and then drop out of sight. I had the guilt about oc, but i finally realized what Cat said above was true. I didnt ask for her to sleep with my H or get pg, or have and keep a baby that I had no say in, so therefore it was her decision and her responsibilty.<P>Oh and Cat and everyone, the sluts in the restaurants were "strippers". The restaurant my H managed was 24 hours. lol, "girls gone wild"...no kidding. Makes me sick.

Marigo,<P>It's only been a week your going to have to give yourself time. The only way I was able to move forward with my marriage was to tell my H, I only wanted to concentrate on the friendship side of our relationship. We were best friends because I really didn't want a boy friend at the time. (sounds funny to say that now) Anyway after D-day I got him to agree to let me approach him about sex. I told him I wanted to be ready and give myself to him instead of me submitting. And it worked out for me I started getting to know my H alot better. And not have to worry about being grosssed out if he tried to have sex with me.<P>At this point don't worry about family members and friends. Think about yourself and your child. Decide if you want your marriage. I'm glad I gave my H a second chance. Next month will be a year and I now have a loving and caring H who is my best friend again.<P>Unsure

hi marigo93. i am happy_girl. don't post much anymore, too busy with work and school. but we have some similarities in our situations. my H is mexican and my BIL's children with his ex live across the street from OW and OW and his ex are like best friends, especially since their kids are "cousins". so it will always be in the family with us too. no way our future kids will not know. pretty sad. anyway, write me if you want. i don't get here much anymore but would be happy to write to you. you can ask around here to verify i am safe to write to. BTW H has no contact, we just pay child support, lots of it. <P>happy_girl_az@yahoo.com<P>happy_girl