I have posted here in the past, but thought it was time for an update...<BR>One year ago my W of 16 years told me that our then-10 year-old daughter was not mine. <P>It happened during a time when we had to be apart for four months because of changes in school and work. The OM was a very young co-worker (21)--she was 32 and I was 34. Unfortunately, it happened at the end of a 4 1/2 year period of trying unsuccessfully to have a second child, and despite the fact that I returned home every month for her ovulation...When she found out she was pregnant, she didn't know if it was his or mine, since she was last with him just a few days before I visited. She didn't feel she could have an abortion, nor tell me. So we went through the pregnancy, I was with her at birth, etc. and when the truth was obvious, she decided that she would never tell me.<P>Apparently, he was very different in every way from me, so I have tried to understand what that means about what my W really wants... I mention this because for 10 years we have had a not-so-good marriage, which I had chalked up to:<BR>• homesickness (we have moved around a lot)<BR>• relationship changes that occur when you have kids (we've heard so much about them!!)<BR>• pressures of "work"<P>The bottom line is, she seems to have engaged in something that she felt very passionate about, yet has not exhibited any passion in our marriage, and never really has (she has claimed to not be "the type"). We talked a lot, got professional counseling, and after a year we are still in limbo.<P>She claims to have experienced a "fairy-tale"-like relationship with this person, that it was something that she felt she had to do for herself, and that she was generally preoccupied with him during that part of her life (although the details seem a bit less romantic--I think he lost interest in her after they had sex, and she has effectively "buried" the experience for her own protection). She claims to "not believe in fairy tales anymore," which is her principal reassurance that I have nothing more to worry about, ever.<P>To me, as a male with a not-small-ego, this is not the best argument for a continuing marriage. It is not the first time that we have struggled with infidelity. When we first met in college in 1977, she slept with another man during a semester in Europe, and I found out about it when she returned and I contracted a STD). We both went through a period of seeing other people, but when we decided to get married I thought it was a mutual understanding that we were making a real commitment to each other, the kind that creates a safe environment for making and raising babies...<P>And so I worry about our three children (16, 11, and 4) and the lack of intimacy they surely sense in their parents. I have tried to live separately for a while but my W is not prepared, even after a year, to tolerate or even discuss separation. I continue to not know what to do, but I feel that we have suffered too much damage to have a productive marriage. <P>But I feel better having written this, and hope that you will comment.....<P>