Hello,

This is my first time to the site and I'm looking for answers for my behavior and advise to see if my relationship is still salvageable.

I currently live with my girlfriend and we recently bought a house together that we're to move into later this year. What's come to light is my admission of a one night stand while on a work road trip in May, and an incident where I kissed another woman while on the road again a few months after. My girlfriend found out about the kiss shortly after it happened and we worked things out where I insisted that it was the only time I've strayed from our commitment but I was lying. I've recently confessed about the earlier one night stand and we're now in the midst of a very hard breakdown because we're committed to moving in to our house while we're sorting this mess out.

She's furious with me because I had promised the first time that I had only strayed once but now she is off the hook about the second time. I don't blame her for her feelings one bit but I'm at a lose to explain why I am prone to this type of behavior. I've cheated on every single girlfriend I've ever had in the past 8 years (3 girlfriends) and really want to be a better person for her. When she asks me why I did it I don't really have much of an answer other than, I'm selfish, I was drinking in both cases, and I guess at the back of my mind, I thought I would get away with it. Hard to hear but I guess its true and I hate myself for it.

I love her dearly and she's a wonderful woman and I truly believe that the reasons I've done this are more my own internal issues then relationship ones. We've had some intimacy miscommunications but nothing that would make me "lash out" against her because of something I wasn't getting at home. In fact my cheating has definitely hurt our intimacy before she found out because of my internal feelings of disgust and self loathing. I recognize that alcohol has almost always been a fact in my indiscretions in all my relationships and I'm trying to cut it out of my life. I hope I can.

She is extremely hurt, mad and distrustful of anything I have to say and I'm trying to give her space to go through all her emotions. There's not really any arguing because I except all the blame but I'm at a lose to see if there might be a chance we can work through this again with all we have on the line. I've made arrangements for counseling and hope she'll consider coming with me to eventually but I guess only time will tell. I pray we get that chance.

Does anyone else on this board have any experiences with behavior like mine or a similar incident? If so, what did you do to help change your actions and what advise would you offer? I need all the advise and support I can get because I'm struggling with the guilt in my soul and the pain I've caused my girlfriend. Thank you.

Bradly

Stop doing that. Blunt and to the point. You'll never have a decent relationship, not to mention you'll cause more grief than your worth if you don't. It's all about choices and consequences bro.

Key thing you said sticks out like a sore thumb to me. "In the back of your mind, you thought you could get away with it". This speaks volumes to your view of values and committment.

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: Mortimer ]</small>

Dear Brdley,

I apply RH, Radical Honesty by looking for flags, that would indicate that I might want to delay telling my wife about something I am planning to do. If I am considering keeping an activity secret from my wife, I try to put the action on hold until I have POJA, or find some way around the idea of a secret action.

Some men have no problem cheating on their wives occasionally, and keeping it to themselves. You need to evaluate your own character and skills for keeping things in without guilt. If You are like me, and are not that good at it, I find it is a better rule to avoid doing anything I would need to keep secret.

My wife and I took a Silva Method course together, which increases self-dicipline, and may help you with your drinking beyond the point of good judgement. I drink tomato juice at bars, or orange juice, or a coke. I put a lime or a swizzle stick in it, to make it look more like a drink, to be sociable. What are the circumstances of your drinking beyond good judgement? What programs seem like they could help you with yhour drinking?

Marriage counseling is risky. My wife was always upset for several days after any session. A week if the counselor hit home. You can find several threads where the couple went to counseling, and broke up after one or a few sessions. My rules for counseling were to never criticize my wife directly, and allow her to decide what got brought up. I would criticize the counselor directly, if he came up with an idea that I thought was wrong, or even ifI was just uncomforabel with his idea. What can you tell us about your marriage counselor? Is he willing to work with you alone? Self-Improvement courses are less risky as far as losing your lover. Any that might tie in with your job?

Your couselor should be able to suggest approaches to your wife, that you can take on your own, that are therapeutic.

There are different types of lies. Lying to be consideratre of your lover's feelings, is not a bad type of lie. The lie has reduced your lover's trust. If you wish to understand various types of lying, or truth handling, read Science of Survival by L. Ron Hubbard, ($55.00). You need to be able to explain that your reason for lying was for love of your lover.

Can you ask your lover for help with cutting back, or eliminating your drinking? How can she assist your developing habits of abstaining, or at least cutting back?

When you are on the road, do you have an arrangement for Radar Love? Phone Sex? When my wife is unavailable, I masturbate to pronography to keep my sex drive in line. When I was younger, I masturbated and ejaculated every morning, which carried me reliably through till the next morning. When you go on a trip, does your lover pack some baby oil and a XXX Magazine, or her nude photos?

Have you acted appreciative of your wife's jealousy? Have you told her, that she must have realy loved you to be that angry, and now you have to make it up to her. How can you make more effective deposits in her love Bank? "I knew that you loved me, but I just didn't relaize the full emotional responsibility for not hurting you."

What does marriage look like for you? One reason I got married was to help my wife keep her respect of her parents and other relatives. What are your relatains with your lover's relativees? How can you improve those relations? What men in yhour past, have indicated taht it was OK to step out, or slip up? What can you tell tghem now? Can you share your imaginary conversations with thes men? Certaily you must have overheard a conversation at a bar. Make it up, but create the conversation, at least for yourself.

Posting is thrapeutic, and it usually takes a longer thread to solve a problem. P{ost back.

Hang tough,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Quipper,

Thanks for your response and I'd like to answer some of your questions.

First with regards to my drinking...I wouldn't classify myself as an alcoholic but when I reflect on all the dumb [censored] things I've done to jeopardize my relationships (past and present), I've always been impaired. It just seems that booze and compromising situations have always been hand in hand for me and that's something I realize I need to stop. Your comments regarding what drinks to have and how to make them look socially acceptable are good ideas and I've basically decided that I won't have a drop of booze until I'm through this (for better or for worse) and if we make it, I won't drink unless my partner is there with me at a gathering. I don't know if she'll believe me when I'm on the road again (entertaining clients comes with the job) but this all I can do for now and I plan on seeing it through. If nothing else, for my own personal goal.

Secondly, about the counselor I've signed up to see. I haven't met with him yet but the first session will be a one on one meeting for him to evaluate my problems and where to go from there. I've haven't asked my girlfriend to come yet as I don't even know if that's something my counselor would recommend right now but my hopes are that she'll stick this through with me in the short term and hopefully she'll agree to attend a couple of sessions to see if a professional can help us move through this crisis. Your insights on how this could potential impact my partner are great and I'll be sure to ask my counselor what his plans are if we do proceed down that route. I really don't have anything to criticize my girlfriend about as this has been purely my bomb but that's not something I'd normally do anyways. Still, thanks for the advice.

You asked about my feelings for my girlfriend's family and I can honestly say I love them. This is another reason why this is so personally devastating for the both of us. Part of her is scared about what their reaction will be towards me if they found out and the other side is screaming to tell them what's happened so she can be consoled by them. This has just gutted her. I've offered to be there to tell them what has happened and take my punishment but she doesn't want to do that right now. This would scare me more then anything but its not fair for them to not have their say about how this has hurt them too. I'm so ashamed and I think this will be harder then having to deal with my own family's disappointment if our relationship ends but I can't run from this. I know it sounds cheap now but I want to commit to being a better man for my partner if she'll work with me and if its over, I need to work on these problems if I want to ever have a successful relationship after. I'm just so upset and deeply ashamed for being the type of person that could hurt my best friend this way.

None the less, I'm thankful I've found this website and thankful for the responses I've received. I believe I'm sincere that I want to improve myself and I know that it isn't going to be easy. I just pray my relationship can make it through this. Thanks.

Dear Bradley,

You do not mention any options for self-improvment courses. I suggest you might get some brochures and starting dates, so you can be ready to present the idea to your wife, if there is an opening. There are couple workshops that might be helpful for your relatinship.

Now you see, with your friend's honor on the line, by your actions, it is not just your having fun, straying creates either a deep secret, or a source of embarrassment for your lover to explain your actions to her family. I would say that there is no reasons for her family to know about this glitch between you and your best friend. I don't think it would be wise to enncourage your wife to tell her family. Why give them consternation from something that is really between you two?

You have not shared your perspective on marriage to your friend.

Under the Negotiating category, there is a post by TOOMUCHCOFFEEMAN, 180 degree Divorce Busters. You might look at that thread, because you seem a little down. Certainly ther is reason for regret, but you can carry on, being a wiser person. This is the start of the list from that thread:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

LIST CONTINUES UNDER NEGOTIATING

Let us know how you are doing

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling