Well he had been home since Friday and then Sunday we had another argument...and this time I thought we were thru. It is alot to get into, alot of things led up to it.But alot of things were said that night, and I'm still having the same back and forth feelings, should I stay or go, but there is not that big fear stabbing at me when I think of leaving...and is that bad?<BR>These past few weeks I have been reliving the pain and especially the events that led upto the A, the things I missed, things I could have done, the why's and How could you's...I asked about a particular day he met up with her for a few hours, supposedly to meet her brother, and asked alot of questions, to clarify what I thought I knew, only to find it was different than I had imagined. He couldn't understand why I was revisiting it and asking the same things and even new questions. He said that it seems everytime we seem to be moving ahead I have to go back(BTW I am only 1 year past d-day)or that I always have to bring it up, and we can't have a good day without me bringing up a fight about it. That I just don't talk and ask questions, that I accuse and try to find stuff out that only reinforces what I believed to have happened.<BR>Then he was on the computer and he was instant messaging a woman from work (discussing work) and I said that it bothered me, and he got upset, thinking I was saying he would have another affair, when all I wanted to do was tell him it was a sore spot for me, and then asked if he ever heard of an emotional affair? he then said something like "Oh, kinda like the ones you have w/ the people ferom the boards?I lost it then...Even him inping that I could have an affair after going thru this pain...I WOULD NEVER!!!After living thru this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone! I was just angry and shut down. Put the kids to bed and sat down to watch the rest of cast away with him. But no, I couldn't let it rest, and I made him sit up and talk to me, even if he didn't want to.<BR>He said he was giving up that he feels that he doesn't want to try to do the things he doed anymore b/c if it isn't the exact way I want it to be, it doesn't seem to count for anything. I told him if he did that it would be the beginning of the end. He then said "How do we know that we haven't begun it already?" He said I need to find a therapist so that I can address these issues,reminding me of all the times he said Pre-A that I need to address issues b/c they are MY problems. I then found myself apoligizing for the redundant questions and begging him to understand that I DO see what he does, but feel that I have explained COUNTLESS times exactly what I NEED and he chooses to do it his way. One example and then I will shut up b/c this is getting much longer than I wanted it to.<BR>I have said to him in and outside of therapy that it would be great to get out of the shower one night(with the three kids it is often hard to catch one in the am) and find a romantic setting of candles, pillows, blankets, my favorite lotion...so Sat night I once again announce I'm getting in the shower a quick one b/c I know he wanted to watch a movie. I came out, yes, with my hopes up that maybe this time he caught the hint, and I came out to find him munching his chips and dip waiting for me. When I sit down with my snack he then goes to the bedroom, gets the pillows, turns the light off and lays down. He pats the floor with his irristable smile, and we watch the movie. He says that I am missing the attempt to be romantic, but I disagree. I just don't get it. If I had done what he did, I would be doing exactly what the person wanted, if I had hurt him so much by taking my love to another...having a child...<BR>Maybe I am asking too much. I ended the conversations with my apology and pleas and we finshed the movie from the night before.<BR>I have even starting joining himin the shower(not my usual MO) and even lit a candle to make it romantic to show him what i mean...<BR>Awwww, forget it i ramble on. I had so many things to post on this week and I cannot think of one of them tonite.<BR>We are now closing in on the last two weeks before the house is done...this is just too wierd, embarking on something so big while dealing with all this. BTW, I am looking for a new therapist for US.<BR>I must go now...thanks for listening all!<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited August 21, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited August 21, 2001).]

I appreciate the emotion you expressed when you said, if you were the one that had the A you would be doing whatever he asked to make things right. I have thought the same thing a hundred times. My husband has expressed sorrow for the pain he has caused, but it wasnt said with the heartfelt remorse I wanted to see. My H said he fell out of love over the past 2 years and he wants to stay to see if he can recapture what we had. So I am constantly feeling like I am being scutinized as to whether I am measuring up. Sort of like...am I worthy to be loved today? Its a very weird way to live. We dont fight about it any more (until tonight...I'll explaine in a min.) And I feel like everything is going pretty well, this week is the first time since D-day 6 months ago that he brought me flowers & said they were long overdue. Ive gotten no cards, notes, letters. The only verbal support I get is when he say I love you before going to sleep. I feel like hes trying but Im always wonder where I stand. I have so many days when I go back & forth @ staying or splitting. I just keep remembering what Dr. Harley recounted in his book @ the woman who reconsiled w/ her H & never did say she was sorry or show remorse. It took them @ 2yrs to feel happy again. Scary to think it might take that long. You must be taking it 1 day at a time, I think when the day comes when you think its over you will really know it. Im already to the point where that doesnt scare me like it once did. I think thats a good thing. Our fight tonight is bc the OC was born tonight (in another state) & the Ow called & spoke w/ him on his cell even though she knows shes only to call on the home phone & It was 10pm. I thought I was prepared for this day, I expected to support him & how he felt, but WOW the anger that came up in me was something I wasnt prepared for. Thats why Im still up at this wee hr of the am. Can't sleep. Your letter helped me know others out there feel as I do. Hope you can stay strong & level headed.

NGU I feel so bad for you. I know what you mean about the romance.<BR>Heart of Hope, I cringed when I read ow called after baby was born.<BR>My story is that my H resisted moving back home till baby was born. H went to hospital for a private visit w/baby and floor nurse that night. When I found out I went crazy. It was if he now supported what ow choose. No dna was done at that point.<P>When reality hit H moved home(2 days later) and announced he was staying and wanted our marriage to work. I wasn't so sure I wanted that. I didn't believe him. I kept my appt. w/my attorney that week and got things into place for a divorce-on-hold. H knew and was scared. From then on he has proven he's serious.<P>No phone calls from ow. If she calls we record her.<P>No accepting letters. We mailed them back unopened.<P>Any decisions will be made together. He does that.<P>As far as letters and flowers.....that never ever stopped. From d-day until now. All filled with love and begging forgiveness. All thanks for being who I am. Cards with the best romantic feelings in them.<P>Skinny dips almost every night in our pool. A first for that!<P>Making love almost every night in a romantic deep way as a married couple.<P>In other words we make time now for each other. We respect each other.<P>As far as visits they are on hold for now. Ow has been terrible to me. To hurt her back we aren't seeking visits as I no longer want to be a part of the drama. He can pay and let it go. He's slightly uneasy w/this but we are going to buy gifts for b/days and Christmas and put them away along w/pictures of our first and only visit. If the child comes to my H in the future we will have them here for him to see we tried.<P>Gotta go.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....