It's me, formerly known as tormented.<BR>I have a new server and had to change my name.<P>It's been 15 months since DD. A lot of ups and downs. However, H has been wonderful. He attends all the counseling sessions and continues to be supportive. The downs are usually me LB or me being depressed with the lack of success of a 2nd invitro attempt. <P>Anyway, yesterday I gave myself a good talking to and I decided that I needed to get a grip on my life and really determine what is important to me and my family. I told my H that I will no longer allow myself to let my emotional rollercoaster rule my life. That I was going to almost look at this whole nightmare as a life project/work that had specific needs and that I was going to do everything in my power to make it be a success. The look in my H's eyes was that of joy. I guess he couldn't believe that I was saying this and that I really looked like I meant it. Which I do.<P>No more thinking about OP. No more thinking about OC. No more feeling inadequate or insecure. No more anger at the level that it was making me become another person. No more letting my life be under someone else's control. <P>So day one was okay :0) Even though H recieved a medical bill addressed to OC using his name which he does not want used. H asked what my reation was, since I opened it. Proudly I said that "It's nothing new. Do what you need to do. If you'd like my feedback or support, just ask." He looked stun and I continued to play with our Sunshine.<P>Question however,<BR>Now that I"m on this 'only positives kick', I want to know if anyone has suggestions about how I can keep myself from crying everytime H and I are intimate. I have tried so many things and I always end up crying. <P>Keep the support and prayers coming. I'm going to need them.

healing,<BR>I love your new name! Much better! I'm so happy for you and your positive kick! Good for you!! That XOW took enough of your life already--time to take it back for yourself!<P>Re: crying during sex...okay this is *very* personal and I don't run around telling anyone this, but It is not usual for me to cry during or (esp.) after sex. My H has learned what it means and how to react. I don't cry much in other circumstances, but during sex I am feeling emotional and it is a safe place to vent. Sometimes I don't even realize I am sad about something until sex! It is great for getting in touch with my feelings. Now, if you are continually crying during sex because you are continually thinking of your H with XOW... that isn't conducive to a great sex life! You wouldn't want your H to think about her then, right? What would you expect him to do to get her out of his head? Can you do the same for the both of you? <P>That's all for now.<BR>Hugs,<BR>J, in recovery 3 years <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited August 22, 2001).]

Dear Healing,<BR>How nice to hear from you again.<P>As far as crying during sex....I never did until a few times recently when H did some new moves and I felt they had already been "tried" out before.<P>I didn't let on and the next day or two he made a point of asking how I enjoyed his new inventions with me.<P>I wonder how he came up w/new moves w/o trying them before.<P>I pray and usually get past it.<P>After all, new to him or not, he's doing the moves with me now.<P>Bless you.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Healing,<P>Cool new name. Congratulations on the rebirth of your marriage. <P>If your upsetting thoughts are about the ex-OW, could you try picturing a stop sign? I have known people with obsessive-compulsive disorder who use this technique (with varying degrees of success) for stopping intrusive thoughts. The thing is you have to practice it a lot outside of the bedroom (or the triggering event) to have it work when you need it. <P>Try practicing every time you think of OW picturing tying her up, gagging her and kicking her off a cliff or stuffing her in a garbage pail. Anything in your mind to symbolize that *you* are taking her power away and kicking her out of your lives. She has stolen enough from you; don't give her another moment of your life.<P>Or try focusing in right in the moment. Oooooww! Mr. Healing is doing X, Y or Z and it feels so good.<P>Or remind yourself that you are the one he chose to remain with. You win. Maybe keep a running score board in your head. Every time you have sex with Mr. Healing you get a point on the scoreboard and ex-OW's point total stays at 0. Just think she will never again score another point. She is gone, gone, gone. Permanently put on the bench. Out of the game forever. Penalty box for eternity. Your husband, the umpire has thrown her out of the game for unsportsman like conduct. (Hey he could even dress up like an umpire.)<P>Picture throwing water on her and her melting like the Wicked Witch of the West in Wizard of Oz. Hey you could even dress up like Glinda the good witch and have a magic wand of your own just like Mr. Healing does. (Whoops losing control of my thoughts here. EEWWWW that was just too Freudian for words.)<P>Practicing meditation on a very regular basis helps you to gain this kind of conscious, controlled mind grasshopper. When you can take this coin from my hand... When you can walk on this rice paper without leaving footprints you have been dieting too long and have become Nile's ex-wife Marris. <P>Bet that now you are glad you don't have the kind of mind I do. I think that there are drugs (rather: medications) out there that might help my condition or maybe they are still in development.<P>Just my thoughts and if ever questioned about them in court I will deny them with my dying breath,<BR>MJ

Dear Gem,<P>Please don't torture yourself. Haven't you ever introduced something new into your love life? Did you learn it in an affair? I have a feeling that being about 11 months past Dday anything he learned in the affair would have made its appearance by now.<P>He loves you; he chose you. You are the love of his life. Nobody made our husbands chose us. They want to be with us or they would be someplace else. Hold on to that thought.<P>MJ

Mrs.J,<BR>those are funny!! I like the running scoreboard! For those of us married for years, we're definately "ahead" and getting further ahead every day!! It's a wash! She's outta there! haha Focus on the moment is good too.<P>now, where'd I put that fairy costume...? heehee

Dear Healing,<P>I like the new name also and good work at setting your mind to positive thoughts. My support and prayers are with you. I never really cried during sex, maybe the first few times...for sure the first, but I said to myself "this is MY marriage, this is MY H and she has no right to intrude into my thoughts.<P>MrsJ,<P>Very funny...please dont take those drugs, your condition has proven itself to be very uplifting. I really like those ideas and think I will try them myself when I am overwhelmed with emotions (which still happens from time to time).

Healing,<P>I never cried during sex I felt disgusted in the beginning and I would get flash backs. But I started concentrating on me getting an orgasm and that didn't include exOW. Sometimes I get little twinges when we have a really good session (wondering if he did any of these things with her) But I shut my eyes tune everything out and enjoy the moment. I'm a very aggressive person in life and in the begining I would take him, so it wasn't like I was submitting, I was as they say getting mine and taking him. I hope you get the point I was trying to make. MJ I love your thoughts I might try a few of them especially the tying up one. <P>Unsure

Thank you everyone for all of your suggestions. I will try anything to make my intimate relationship with my H better.<P>MJ<BR>YOu are surely a treat. Thank you for your suggestions and your welcomed sense of humor. I Love A Lot of Your Ideas.<P>Healing

Definitely agree with gemini that prayer works. Do you think your husband would be willing to pray together with you just prior to your love-making? After all, God invented sex for marriage. I'm sure God can heal your sex life, just like any other dis-ease... <P>Your husband loves you, obviously, and cannot possibly feel good about your crying when you should be feeling anything but sad during intimate times together. Even if you did all the praying, I can't see how your H would not agree together to come to God with all your concerns.