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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 4
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jenw Offline OP
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I need some help, my husband has started a topic with great response. His topic is "I've screwed up how do I fix it/deal with it?" If you havent read it, he cheated on me two times right after we were married. He has always had to have female friends. I have told him for years that it bothered me, I thought it was inappropriate and I didnt like it. I felt like I was always last in his life, he didnt care about me, I was just the mother of his kids, his house keeper but never his equal. At times I felt like I was the other women. I didnt want to be treated that way anymore and he wouldnt listen to me so we separated. We have been separated for almost 4 months. We have two kids, boy 4 and girl 2. Married for 8 years together for 10. I have been very cold to him lately until last night, I dont how else to explain but we just clicked again. He even said he could see it in my eyes. I do love him I am just scared that he will cheat again, I dont want to be hurt by him anymore. He did the most awesome thing the other night and took myself and our two kids on a carriage ride in the city. It was awesome, it felt right. I am starting to see well hear (we dont see each other that often) the changes that he has made in his life. Those are changes that I wanted to see happen. Due to lack of trust I cant help but wonder if he is just saying it so I take him back. I havent told him he is doing a good job because I dont want him to think it is ok for what he did, I'm afraid that if I do tell him then I will be opening myself up for hurt. I have since then realized that he does need the praise. We ended up getting into a fight again and he told me to take the rest of the papers into the court. I tried to but he has to take a divorce parenting class first before I can move forward. I dont know what to do or where to turn. I am going to counseling and also bought the book how to survive an affair, so far have loved it. That book has got me thinking that maybe we our marriage can be saved and let go of the hurt from these last couple of months. If anyone could offer me some advice I would greatly appreciate, I dont want to throw away my marriage but I also dont want to hurt anymore. PLEASE HELP!!!

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: jenw ]</small>

Joined: Dec 2002
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Dear Jen,

Nice to hear from you. I posted to Officer C Wilden, I call him.

Your husband seems to understand the points you are making. He seems to be making changes to reduce his reliance on other women for conversation.

Parenting courses always brought my wife and I closer together. We never took the divorce parenting class. Is there some other parenting class you both could agree upon?

Separating makes it hard to work on a relationship. Is there some way to try a trial reconciliation? You can always walk out again.

Love busters is something to avoid in a relationship. When your husband said, apparently in anger, to go ahead with the divorce, I would say that was probably a love buster, or at least a love withdrawal. It is important for both of you to have mechanisms to express frustation, and to insist upon being heard, with a minimum of a withdrawal from the other's love bank.

Do you have someplace to sleep overnight, or some other way to give space when things get a little emotional? My wife and I would get going, aruing intensely, every once in a while. My wife has relatives nearby, with whom she can stay. Is there some way you can make a working agreement on your issues?

You seem to have your husband's attention. Ask for what you want. Tell him to stop doing love busters.

I have now read your other posts. I still think you need a mechanism to communicate to your husband when you feel he is outside your comfort zone. I think your taking primary care of the children is something you need to share with your husband, and I told him that in my posts. He said you refused to go to parenting classes. I told him to keep trying. Call churches, schools, school boards, private schools, and find out when a class is starting. Rather than talking to his girl friends, you need to have him reading to his kids. In addition to being a great mom, yourself, you need to be a great delagator of parenting tasks to your husband.

Focus on what you want your husband to become, rather than on what you want him to stop doing. Manage your husban's free time, and if you need a bigger stick, I will try to give you more ideas. But for now, you need to shorten your stick. You have wallopped your husband with this separation. Work to end it, so you can smack him again if he gets outside your comfort zone. Meanwhile keep him busy with the kids. Sit on the couch and sip Coca Cola.

Posting is theapeutic,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

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Dear Jen,

It can work. It did for me. My WS and I were just three weeks from the divorce.

Allow him to help you heal. You are starting in the right direction.

We've been back together now for five years. We actually have a better marriage now than before. I actually do not feel any more pain or fear. It can heal.

Joined: Oct 2003
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jenw Offline OP
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Thank you for your help. I am so confused these last couple of days. He said he wants to go to the divorce parenting class and for it to be over because I am a dispatcher. It is a fact that officers and dispatcher form a bond and that leads to affairs. He says he trusts me but if he did I dont see my job as being a problem. I dont think this marriage is going to last any longer but thanks for your advice.

Joined: Dec 2002
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Dear Jen,

Maybe the divorce parenting class will bring you back together. I checked back on your thread, and reread some of the images I tried to give you, and I envisioned you living happily ever after, and never posting again.

Maybe bide your time a little, and wait for an opening? If you want to work on things, I will post with you. I saw you up on a pedestal.

If you get a chance, perhaps you can discuss some ways of giving space, when things seem beyond either of your boundaries.

A shorter separaton is easier to recover from than a longer separation.

Communication can build love. Will he talk to you?

The dispatcher-officer thing sounds like a convenient excuse. I would have to guess what it is an excuse for.

We can always come up with some ideas to try.

Quipper


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