I'm new to this forum and a very brief history of my situation is under the military thread by texasgirl. My question is this...for those with no contact are you dreading the knock on the door you may get some day? We choose no contact for many reasons the main reason being the physical threats to our family from ex-ow. Although there is no contact we were left with the threat of someday having a very angry young man knock on our door, who will want explanations. My H is not afraid of this at all. We feel we've done the best thing for this child. The ex ow is married and her husband is raising this child as his own. He actually contacted me after d-day and wanted to adopt this child. His name is on the birth certificate so we didn't see a reason for it. I know we are lucky because so far there hasn't been any legal action for child support. But, I also have to say that there was never a DNA test done to prove my husband is the father. Her husband had a vasectomy so he knows he's not the father. I know this is a threat that ow put out there to force a continued relationship of some kind, but I'm not comfortable with the unknown. We've already decided that someday we will tell our children when they are old enough of this situation. We just left everything up in the air after d-day. What do you do when nothing was decided and your just living day to day not knowing what might be thrown at you? I know we never really know what might happen in life, but for some reason I feel this is something I should have more control over than I do. After 3 yrs this is the one thing that I still haven't been able to work through in my mind. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated? I pray everyday for the strength to just let this go and give it all to God, for some reason I want to hold on though...

I dread the knock on the door everyday, from it being in the near future for more $ or for the far future that it be a grown child in search for his father.<BR>We chose no contact for the mainreason that I knew that i couldn't handle it and that he wants to focus on us.So i also fear the day that we finally are stable and then he decides he wants to contact also. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do that.

sorry I wasn't done...hit the wrong button. <BR>My H cannot tell me that he will not change his mind, and although I do know that is the reality of it, I wish he could. My OW is no threat, she hasn't had contact with him in about 9 months, and but for the child support, there is no triggers, except the ones I can't get out of my head, and the fears.<BR>I just wanted to let you know that I fear it to, although I have no advice on how to get thru it, I'm will be interested in your replies. I'm 1 year past d-day and still hanging on by my fingernails.

NGU, <BR>It's been 3 yrs for me and I'm still agonizing over this one thing. My husband takes full responsibility for what he did, but does not feel a need to be a part of this childs life. He is at peace with this and also has already thought of what he will say to this child if he ever comes to him. We really believe we did the best thing by cutting all contact. One year ago the ow sent a picture of this child to my H work and he is the spitting image of one of our children. My H didn't see it and thinks I'm just seeing things I want to see. I guess my biggest fear is did we do what was right for everybody? I know it was the right choice for my family and my marriage. The ow lives in another country at this time and I fear when they return to the US she'll start something. I guess everything else in my life is going well and I'm just looking for something to fear.

Dignity asked:"did we do what was right for everybody?"<P>YES! YES! YES! By letting OC go, you not only saved your marriage/family but did the best thing for the other family and OC as well. If that family has any brains at all, they will not contact you when they return. Why confuse their child?! Presumably they are repairing their marriage/family relationships together... the XOW's H is raising this boy as his son and not likely he wants your H's involvement! (Male betrayed spouses on this board raising the OC do NOT want to see OM!!) Yes, some people go for the money (ch-support)... but once the OC reaches 2 years old without establishing other paternity, her H has legal responsibility for the child even if they divorce. <P>That only leaves the question of 'the knock on the door', or 'the phone call'... and I'd give it something lot less than 50% chance of that... One, his parents might not even tell him @biodad, or, like Mrs.Job, he might not find out until far into adulthood. Two, even if he does learn of his biofather, it seems to be about 50-50 that adopted or different-parented children are interested in the bioparent, and I think fewer contact the bioparent when the contact might bring great pain to their family. Three, even if he contacts your H, he will have to get much older--you have years of rest.<P>So why can't you let it go? I'm playing pop psychologist... I think it's the loss of control in your life. You didn't get a choice about any of this--the affair, the OC, the relationships, or the future... you wonder what else could blindside you, again!! But it sounds like you have the best chance of a peaceful life without more OC issues--no contact, no ch-support, the kid has a dad. Hallaluya <P>Best wishes,<BR>J in recovery 3 years <P>

Dear Dignity and Grace,<P>Hi, we have the same thing in common.<BR>The op is married and raising the child as their own.<BR>Her H name is on birth cert. Oc is over two yrs old.<BR>She didnt come to my H for money until the baby was 6 <BR>mos old. My h wanted a dna test as they had sex once and<BR>he was hoping and praying the child wasnt his. She went<BR>away for six months than came back again to say Her H took<BR>dna test and it was negative so oc must be MY H.<BR>He said again nothing without dna test...she said she<BR>only wanted 50/wk and when child was 18 she'd tell him<BR>who his "real" father was (how helpful is that?)<P>Anyway, He finally told me (last June). When confronted by<BR>me, she decided that it wasnt worth it.<BR>We have never spoken with her h, so we dont know what<BR>he knows. I have said from the beginning that the best thing<BR>for the other child is to remain where he is. Why bring<BR>another man into the picture when he already has her<BR>H who is obviously willing to be the child's father.<BR>My greatest fear is that the child looks just like my H.<BR>We are going to save our money to send our kids to<BR>catholic school so the kids will not be in the same school.<BR>(there is only 2 mos difference between our d and oc).<BR>I have the fear of everyone finding our about the mess.<BR>But who does not have something they are remorseful for?!<P>I agree with Jenny that it is the loss of control over<BR>your life that keeps this a sore issue for you.<BR>I feel the same way...it makes you crazy if you let it.<BR>There are days I want to bring the issue out in the open<BR>first so that we dont have to worry and wonder anymore.<BR>Even contacted a lawyer...funny thing is I dont want to<BR>upset the oc's life by intruding...I just want to know<BR>the truth. Then if the child is my H, we will put money <BR>aside for him when he is an adult and free from his mother.<P>Stay strong and welcome here...<P>Hope to talk with you sometime soon. Love, fluke<P>

Thank you everyone for your replies. As I said I know I have a lot to be grateful for as far as ow involvement goes. Jenny- your pop psychology was right on the mark. I'm a person who likes to have control over every aspect of my life. I have a plan for everything. One of the lessons I've learned from all of this is I can only control myself. <BR>Fluke- your right our situations are very much alike. I came to know the Ow and her H during the time she was having an affair with my H. Actually our families spent a great deal of time together. Her children became friends my children. I always realized the ow treated me differently, not as a true friend would treat someone. I was around this child for the first year of his life. There really were no similarities to my children at this time. Then about a year ago she sent a picture and he looks like my one sons identical brother. I know her H wants to raise him as his own, but he also said he would do whatever his wife wanted to do as far as child support and such. The ow claims to not want money, but some kind of involvement from my H. She wants her son to know him as a Uncle or something. Now I find this impossible since her other children know us and I'm sure they are aware of the situation . This is how we left everything. So I'm just left to wonder what the future has in store for all of us. <BR>I would love to never have to tell my children about this since we know we'll never live with in 2000 miles of them, but I afraid that this secret will haunt me if I do that. I also don't want her to have that kind of control over our lives. She made so many threats about ruining our family.<BR>We've worked very hard in the last 3 yrs to rebuild our marriage and we are very happy. I still have my down days where I can't believe my life has went in this direction, but they are becoming fewer and far between. Thank you again for your encouraging words. I'm staying strong!!! <BR>

D&G,<BR>I don't understand why any married woman (or her H!!!) would want the XOM involved in their lives when they are raising the OC as their own. And the 'uncle' thing, what does that teach all the children involved? YUCK. It just floors me, totally, but so many things I read on this board do. And what kind of relationship can it be between 2 military families, long distance, moving all the time? I don't have any advice DG, except hang onto your happy days and hope for the best. I truly believe you did the right thing.