Josh,<BR>The majority of my time spent here has been great, with many people to offer supportive comments. I have felt like you, however, that NOBODY really knows how you feel specifically, since everyone's story is different. The majority of the people responding are women whose husbands have had affairs that produced children, but many of them can imagine what it would be like to be in the opposite position--they almost have to, in order to offer you help in understanding how your W thinks and acts.<P>Several weeks after I found out about my situation, I called my sister, to whom I am very close, to tell her. To my surprise, her response was "Ohhh..... poor (W's name)" This was really the first time that I began to think about what my W had endured during her ten years of secrecy. It may be hard for you to feel compassion right now, but your W didn't do this TO YOU--she did it to herself, while she was married to you.<P>I have a very strong male ego (as I suspect you do as well), and so I have tried to get as many details about the OM as possible. Younger? Taller? More muscular? More handsome? More sensitive? More interesting? More accomplished? More like the way she imagined intimacy and romance should, would, and could be with a man? All these appear to be true about the OM in my W's eyes, which violates my assumptions about why people get married and stay married. Conversely, you apparently are doubly hurt by your discovery that your W's OM was just anybody she could find. It would seem that we might have done better with each other's W's explanations, but I don't really think it matters, you know? Someone on this board once said that affairs are not about this or that or the other thing, they are about OPPORTUNITY, and that is all. And the moment I read that, I was able to push much of this hurtful baggage farther back in my thoughts.<BR> <BR>I, too, lost interest in food, and lost about 20 lbs in six weeks. And loss of sleep was even more critical. My advice is that you do NOT take antidpressant drugs, as recommended by some. Increase your physical activity, which will promote hunger. Try getting some mild, natural product that will promote sleep (valerian is good).<P>I also recommend therapy, individually and with your W, right away, as recommended by many here, because an astute therapist will repeat much advice given here, and these become the things that you "listen to" the best.<P>Finding out something like this is very much like a death. It is the death of the idea of what you thought and assumed rightfully to be the truth, which you have been learning for your whole life, beginning with your first parental interactions. At any time in my life, if someone had asked me "hey, what would it be like if your wife and you had a baby, but it was really someone else's baby, not yours?" there would have been no way for me to even imagine what I feel now. Conclusion: life has conditioned you and I to think and feel along lines that are now quite hazy for us, and we have to redefine ourselves, like when someone close dies.<P>Like yours, my W also "took care" of her future fertility, so the issue of ongoing trust has a strange angle (i.e., now you really don't NEED to trust her in the same way as you did in the past). So your thinking has to proceed along lines besides "can this ever happen again?" No, it can't, but other things can, and this a real concern in figuring out what you are going to do. <P>I am a devout Christian, but questioned my faith significantly when this happened. I admire you for being able to hang on to this, so keep it going!!!!!!!<P><BR>

Josh,<P>I agree with most of which was said above.<P>It is very true that the majority of members of this site are women who's husbands have had the affair and child, but do know that we all are here to listen and give support. Even though we haven't walked exactly in your shoes, we do know the feelings of betrayal and the steps we all took and are taking to recovery.<P>I am one of the women who have used, and am using antidepressants. It really is a personal choice. I'm a firm believer in doing what's best for you. Whether it's drugs or natural, excercise or reading, sex with your spouse or not, visitaion or not, it's all about personal choice and what makes YOU feel good. Because in the end you cannot deal with any of your problems, let alone make your wife feel better, until YOU feel better.<P>So explore, figure out what is going to promote healing from within and slowly and surely you will begin to feel the strength to attack little pieces of your puzzle one at a time.<P>Best of luck in your recovery and keep coming back. (Jeez, I sound like an AA meeting.)<P>Z.<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.