I originally was only going to post this on the recovery board, b/c I chat to many of you at night, but in catching up today, I thought there are many others on the board and we are all in the same situation, with an OC inviolved...so here goes the poll:<P>Okay, here it is...my first poll...I have been having a hard time explaining and/or my H is having a hard time understanding what I need from him or why I need these things to heal and move on. I know he is remorseful, but I still need certain things. I'm just wondering if I am asking for too much..So I want to address the issue of remorse and what you h/w, being the WS, did to show you that and to "make it up" to you.. So here it goes...if your H/W showed remorse...<P>How did they show you?(answering questions, reacting to your bad days/moods/outbursts)<P>How long did it take to start, and did it last?<P>wWho started it off? (I do understand that it needs to be reciprocated...)<P>What were the things they did to make you feel "special" to them again?<P>Thanks NGU<P>

Im at 6mos D-day. I got nothing, not a card, note, gift nothing till this week. (Me doing tons of stuff for him throughout this entire process.) HE came home w/ flowers & said "This is long overdue." All I have gotten is the verbal admittion that I am entitled to feel bad, and say what those feelings are & he'll take it & accept blame. He's said hes sorry for hurting me, but I havent seen the teary heartfelt remorse I would like to. I have read some say that takes a while for WS to get there. One lady I talked to said when her husband finally "got it"...all the pain & suffering he caused,..he was anguished, couldnt sleep at night, paced the floor, & finally had to get medication to help his depression. That came after many yrs. of infidelity. She was clueless until the day he told her about it, for whatever reason the guilt finally got to him. They stayed together. Ive read some say you get a break at 6mos. & then start to feel real happiness @ 2yrs. Im only at 6 mos. so Im still hoping for the best. My H has said if he had it to do over again he would do things differently. I dont take that to mean he wouldnt have the A, only that he would have told me then left me first. Thats what I feel he means. My H still has heartstrings to the OW & is struggling w/ that. He has never expressed any regret for getting to know her, or the time they spent together. Of course I want to hear..."it was a big mistake, she means nothing to me & never did." However he told me hes done lying, so I dont think I'll ever hear him say those words. It is like the twilight zone for me to be laying in bed w/ H and know hes thinking of another woman. I question why Im there at all. Just hoping the longer hes away from her the less important shell become, and not more important, and that I'll eventually see the making-up, and real remorse that I want to see. Thats what Im hoping for.

It's been a little over 3 years since d day for me. The day I found out my h just pulled me close and looked in my eyes and told me the whole story. He immediately got on his hands & knees and begged me to stay with him. I have never seen my husband cry (only when his parents died), but he was sobbing and begging. This is from a man who has a hard time admitting when he's wrong about something. He has spent the last 3 yrs telling me everyday how much he loves me and appreciates me. He cannot give a good reason for the A in the first place except that he wasn't thinking right at the time. He is willing any time I want to talk about things to sit down and talk. This helps me so much because he's the only one I have to talk to about all of this. He makes me feel special just by the way he looks at me. I see the love and commitment in his eyes. I also see the sorrow and the remorse for what he has done. That look wasn't there when he was having the A and its nice to have it back.

This is copied off of a post by lsb that I replied to listing the ways my h has worked to show remorse/rebuild our marriage. Hope it helps! - cd<P>1. I never worry about h having feelings for the ow. He has made it very clear that his relationship with her ended when we decided to recommit to the marriage. My h understands that there is room for only two people in a marriage, and ow is not one of those two people.<P>2. My h has made our marriage his number one priority. I never feel like my needs are secondary to the oc's needs, or to ow's needs. H's primary concern is that things are right between us, and since they are, then we can work together to make things better for oc. Ow's needs NEVER factor into the equation at all. she is not our concern.<P>3. My h never turns to anybody or anything else for emotional support/satisfaction. If he is feeling lonely or upset, he tells me about it, and together we work to change the way he is feeling. H knows that seeking relief elsewhere (even on the internet) is a betrayal of my trust.<P>4. My h not only puts up with my paranoid moments, he encourages me to let him know exactly what he can do to help me through them. Then he goes a step further with it. If, for example, I think that calling his work twice a day will put my fears to rest, he encourages me to call twice a day AND calls me a couple of times for good measure. Sometimes, if h senses that I am being triggered about the affair, he will simply hold me and soothe me until the moment passes.<P>5. My h is truly remorseful for what he did. He is able to see how his actions have hurt me and our children. He never fails to tell me how sorry he is, to ask how he can make things better for us in this difficult situation. and when I give him suggestions about what he can do to make things better, he does them.<P>6. My h understands that I will never completely get over the insecurity that stems from his affair. But he does what he can to help me feel more secure. He tells me several times every day that he loves me. He grabs me and kisses me often. He tells me how happy he is just to be married to me. He initiates physical contact frequently, even if it is just putting his arm around my shoulders while we are sitting on the couch, or resting his hand on my waist as we are standing in line at the grocery store, so that I always know how important being near me is to him.<P>7. My h takes full responsibility for what he did. Even though I contributed to making our marriage unhappy at the time of the affair, he acknowleges that he could have done a million other things to make it better other than turning to another woman for comfort. He never puts the blame on me or my inadequacies. I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, but I did not make him have an affair. He chose to do that, and he takes the blame for making that choice.<P>8. My h appreciates the effort I make to improve our marriage. If I make him an nice meal, he thanks me for it. If I go out of my way to look especially pretty for him, he compliments me on my appearance. When we have sex, he never fails to tell me how wonderful it was for him.<P>9. My h has made it very clear that he is willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to keep our marriage and our family intact. If I asked him to cut off all contact with oc, he would. HOWEVER, just knowing that he would do it is enough for me. Because I am secure in knowing that our family is important to him, I don't have any need to ask him to make that sacrifice.<P>10. After we have a court date or after we see ow/oc, he tells me how much my courage has meant to him. He tells me how proud he was to have me by his side throughout the ordeal. He never lets me feel like my efforts are taken for granted.<P>11. If I have questions about the affair, h listens to them and answers them, even if I have asked the same question a hundred times before. He realizes that what I really am looking for is reassurance that he loves me and that I am the only one he wants to be with.<P>

Here's the cool part... we've been doing so good for so long, I'm actually forgetting the answer to this question--woohoo!! That feels great!! We each made a list on little cards of behaviors in each other that were important to us, based on the chapter in "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring called 'Restoring Trust'--I wish I could copy the entire chapter for you as it is Sooooo worthwhile!! I asked H just now and we can't remember all the things on our lists any more--I think we threw them away about a year ago. <P>I know it helped me very much when we talked and I could see his remorse, his body language showing his shame and regret, his major reluctance to contact XOW even when we needed to, hear him apologize whenever A/OC came up and he held me whenever I cried--sometimes we both cried.<P>It was important to me that H let me know his schedule at all times, called me with changes, got a cell phone so I could call him at any time, gave me control of the email account XOW uses to contact us (which they used during A), never sends anything to OC without showing me and me seal the package/card... there's more but all I have time for now.<P>Best wishes to all,<BR>J in recovery 3 years <p>[This message has been edited by Jenny (edited August 24, 2001).]

It's been 11 months since D-day. H showed remorse by breaking down crying and telling me I was his life and without me he had no life. During the first 2 or 3 months he would say he wasn't a man he didn't deserve me. After that he would call me all the time and tell me exactly what he was doing. He would end everything with I'm not doing anything wrong. (that would drive me crazy) So far no gifts or flowers he has made one effort to be romantic by dimming the light playings some slow jams. And saying sweet nothings in my ear. He tells me he loves me all the time and he's always cuddling me at night sometime I want to push him away but I don't. <P>I think I need the gifts and flowers again, but he gives me his whole pay check to pay bills etc... He has access to our joint account of course and I have asked him, not hinted why I don't get flowers or anything. I geuss we'll see.<P>Unsure