HI EVERYONE I'M NEW TO THIS PAGE BUT I WANT TO ASK A QUESTION BECAUSE I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.
MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN USING DRUGS FOR THE LAST 10YRS. WELL AFTER TELLING HIM OVER AND OVER AGAIN NOT TO, HE STILL HAS BEEN USING-THIS TIME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL I FOUND OUT IN MAY THAT HE HAS BEEN USING AND I TOLD HIM TO SEEK HELP. HE WENT TO A FEW AA MEETINGS AND THEN BACK TO IT. I THEN KICK HIM OUT AND HE WENT TO LIVE WITH HIS MOM. THAT WAS THE BEST. I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT HE WAS DOING AND HOW MUCH OF OUR MONEY HE WAS GOING TO SPEND THIS TIME. WELL AFTER ABOUT A WEEK OF THIS HE WENT OUT AND SPENT OUR BILL MONEY ON DRUGS AND THEN HE CHECKED INTO A REHAB. WELL THAT WAS GREAT AND ALL BUT NOW HERE'S THE PROBLEM... I CAN'T SEEM TO FORGIVE HIM FOR HURTING ME WHILE HE DID THIS DRUG. NOT ONLY DID HE HIDE IT BEHIND MY BACK BUT HE USED AFTER I ASKED HIM NOT TO. I KNOW HE HAD A PROBLEM BUT I FEEL SO ABUSED. NOW I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF I STILL LOVE HIM OR NOT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEALS I COULD USE TO FIGURE THIS OUT SO I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
P.S I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 16YS AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN 13 AND 10.

THANKS CONFURED AND HURT

in my opinion, using drugs either in front of you or behind your back is a bad deal for anyone and everyone involved. using drugs can be expensive in many ways. it will cost you money, heartache, and a ton of troubles. if it was me, i would give my spouse the ultimatum of either stop using drugs or stop being married to me - one or the other. i have known people who have and still are involved with drugs. i can tell you that these people go downhill very fast. if you can, talk to your husband when he is straight and tell him what you seriously think. let him know that the marriage is on a rocky path and needs some serious fixing. the first step to getting it fixed is to put the drugs in the past and never mess with them again.

Dear Confused and Lost,

Dean is certainly correct that drugs can be destructive, and that talking to a drug user when he is loaded, usually does not yield good results.

My viewpoint diverges from yours and Deans, in the respect that I believe that rehabilitative action supercedes words and deceipt.

Christianity preaches forgiveness, but part of forgiveness is repentance, which should include attonement. I suggest that you look to the quality of the attonement.

Rehabilitation for most people seems to be just a bunch of people sitting around talking in a group. A good program will accomplish a good deal of deep probing and difficult habit changing of character flaws that underpin the dishonesty involved with abusing drugs.

I do not say be quick to forgive, I say look at the quality of the attonement. You speak of rehab like it was some vacation resort. For a drug abuser, it is a torture chamber. How long was the program? What was involved in the program? Are there statistics for the success of that program? Statistics for similar programs?

Is your husband reliable and clean now? If he relapses, do you have an agreement that he goes back to rehab? What is the process for going back? What other programs are also availbe? Is your husband working reliably now?

I am reading Patterson, 1987 on parenting adolescents, 2 volumes($35.00) 1-541-343-4433. Is your husband up to speed on parenting adolescents? It is a new ball game, and both parents better be on the same page, or more action is inevitable.

Posting is thrapeutic,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling.

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>