H had a short affair with a casual acquaintence from work. Avoiding her at work is not hard. He has broken off contact with her. She still tries to contact him, but he does not answer her calls (caller id). My H broke off the affair two weeks before he told me. He told me when she told him that she was pregnant. We are trying to work through it. How do we break off contact completely now? I need a lot of help with this one.<BR>K<P>

Dear Tornwife,<P>I am so sorry you are in this situation.<P>But this is the right place to come because there<BR>are many wives and husbands who have been through what<BR>you are going through.<P>Dont make any drastic plans...it takes a long time<BR>to figure this all out.<BR>OW does not need to keep contacting your H just because<BR>she is pregnant. Hopefully she is either lieing or<BR>was with someone else, too. Stay close to your H.<BR>He is being honest with you and that isnt easy when<BR>they know how much they are hurting us.<P>Only have a minute as the kids are pouring cereal on<BR>the table and smashing it...take good care.<P>Keep posting, there are lots of wonderful people here.<P>

Dear TornWife,<P>I am sorry that you find yourself in this very, very painful situation.<P>Have you read much of what the Harley's have posted on this site? They recommend that the couple and the ex-OW live very far apart. They suggest moving in order to a) make sure the affair doesn't resume and to b) make the betrayed spouse feel safer.<P>Seems pretty drastic to me, but I am ever so glad our XOW lives 2,000 miles away. I don't know if I would ever feel safe with her living down the road. Could your husband possibly change jobs? That might not happen tomorrow in today's economy, but he could begin looking.<P>Others on this board only allow contact between the XOW and the betrayed wife. For us, we have some very limited contact going on betwen my H and his XOW. Only to arrange the visitation trips which are major hassles because of the huge distance between us and the cost and trouble of the travel.<P>Again, welcome to this board. I hope you find comfort here. I know that I have.<P>Mrs. Job<P>

Dear Torn,<P>I found out about the A in December 2000 when I noticed a charge for a motel room on my credit card account whic I was paying online. I confronted my husband and he madeup some stupid lie that I was too drunk to drive home and stopped to a local motel to sleep it off. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was lying; he is too cheap to pay for a motel room because he was too drunk to drive and besides he hardly ever gets drunk. I questioned him for a few more weeks through the holidays and then intercepted his cell phone bill in January 2001.<P>I found all the evidence I needed; at least twenty calls to a specific phone number. I called the number, in his presence and a woman answered. I identified myself and asked about her relationship with my H. She denied everything, she "didn't know what I was talking about", but at the same time asked if I wanted her to give him a message (fool).<P>I then advised my H that I was leaving and would make arrangements to get my belongings. He called me on my cell and asked that we go to counseling. He also stated that there was something he wanted to discuss in the presence of a counselor and would not tell me alone. I finaly managed to get him to tell me.... He stated that this OW had a child 6 months ago and that she claims it is his. I asked him if she had a DNA test done and he said no. I asked him if she was seeing any other men at he same time and he said that he did not know. He did not question her word until I bought up the possibilites to him.<P>He phoned her that evening and informed her that the A was over that I that I knew everyting. She was outraged that he told me about the child. He then asked her to get a DNA test done a few weeks later and she at first said OK then kept procrasternating for two months. My H had contacted the DNA labs and went to a local medical institution to have tissue samples taken and even paid half the fee. Finally she said that she would not get the test done and that he should take her word that he is the father. He asked her not to contact him until the test was done; that was the last time he has spoken to her since May 21, 2001.<P>We have been to counseling and are trying to work it out, but not a day goes by that I don't think of this A and what lies ahead. I am constantly monitoring his cell phone activity and his whereabouts. I am a computer professional and am glad that I have a demanding job that occupies most of my time so I am not completely obsessed with this whole affair. I still love my husband very much and it hurts me to know that he must be uncertain about this child because of this womans selfish and vindictive attitude; I would love to smash her face but have refrained due to my religious beliefs.<P>I can really relate to what you must be experiencing....

D-Day was July 31, 2001.<BR>A few people outside of me and H know about the A. Our business partner, two of my sisters and their husbands. Our business partner feels that OW is lying because she did not want to break off the affair and because she is still calling my husband's cell phone to find out "how he is doing". He does not carry that phone anymore. I checked his messages and found those on voice mail. He did not know about them until I told him. He says he does not want anything to do with her or the child (but he will pay child support) as he does not want to upset me further or upset our 3 children (ages 11, 6, & 1). I have read "Surving An Affair" and "Torn Asunder" so far trying to cope. We have filled out the Emotional Needs Worksheet, the Background Questionnaire, and both of us signed the Marital Recovery Agreement. He is adamant that he has made a awful mistake, and that he will never do it again. I have never seen him cry before (the only time I've even heard of him crying was the night our oldest was born - we almost died during the c-section), but he bawled about this. I believe him most of the time (doubt gets the best of me here and there). The thing that worries me now is the pregnancy. I don't know if I can handle him being tied to this woman for the rest of his life (and mine too).