This morning I got a call from the mother of my stepson (surprisingly to most people, my H's ex wife & I talk & get along ok-we're not "friends" but communicate mostly about my stepson). She told me that her son told her that his cousins were saying things to him about his dad (my H). In past postings I have said that my H's family are all here in the same town. All the nieces & nephews go to the same schools all about the same age. My stepson just turned 10. They told him my H was having another child & it wasn't mine!!!!!! I am sooooo angry! So angry that these ignorant people of his family would talk about such issues in front of or to these children & then run off & tell my stepson! So angry that I have to go through this humiliation! This embarrassment! They also told him that my H wasn't going to give the OC any $$$ bc my H already paid $$$ (child supp.) to him. The exwife said it wasn't any of her business but when it concerned her son it did, since he is getting upset about this, & I agree w/her. My stepson already has insecurity issues as it is. He has only recently learned a "bit" of the "birds & the bees" so obviously he would know that that OC was created intimately w/someone other than me. I didn't deny nor admit to her that what she heard was true.What can I say to my H ex wife: "Yes, my H had a 1 night stand, has conceived w/her, & I'm still here." I had told my H several conditions in order for us to try to recover & try to make it work. One of them was that our children would never know (although in reality I knew that eventually they would know-when they were adults)! Another one was that the OC (& OW) would not have any contact w/any of us. My H had already taken off to work so I wasn't able to tell him about this call & he is not reachable until later on today. I'm so pissed off & hurt. I feel like going over to her place and telling her off & make her feel like ****!I'm now pissed off at his family too for being so inconsiderate! Am I just still in denial or do I have the right to be so irate? I'm at work, faking a smile & pretending nothing is going on, unable to speak to anyone about this! I finally got a hold of the male counselor, he seems like a good match for us but he is not open for an appointment for almost 3 wks! I don't know if I'm gonna even last that long! I'm so upset right now that my heart is racing & my hands are trembling! This is so unfair! I feel like confronting her & his family even if it has to be with my H, should I? Another condition I had asked my H to do was to speak to his family about not letting his family get involved, to keep what they know to themselves, & not to ask him or speak to him about it. We only talked about these conditions the other night so I know it hasn't happened yet. We were going to begin reading Harley's book tonight to start practicing his principles, now I'm having 2nd thoughts. Help! Sorry for the long posting!<P><P>------------------<BR>marigo93<BR>BS-trying to forgive<BR>DDAY 8/12/01<BR>OW pregnant<BR>Do not want contact w/ OC

marigo,<BR>it has only been 2 weeks and this many people know? Wow, I'm so sorry! And so sorry that you have to revisit this issue so soon after DDay! Obviously this info is not going to be a secret in your town or in your circle of people. It would've been better for this to come up after you and H had more recovery time together. It is such a serious blow right now, being the focus of gossip. I'm sure you'll get more responses here... mina's news got everyone's attention. <P>I'm sorry your stepson has to go through this. I'd be mad at those insensitive people too! But now you and H will have to decide how to approach him. I would call that couselor's office and tell them this is something you really need help with NOW!! They could look for you a cancellation or something. Or use someone else you can see sooner, even for just this one question--dealing with stepson. <P>My personal opinion, with my values and what counselors have told us about kids, would be to tell the boy the truth, in as kind, supportive way as possible. It is hard to explain when you're unsure of your own feelings, but he can be told that this was a terrible grownup mistake your H made, H can say that he is sorry, that it is not any child's fault (important info!), that he(ss) and your children's lives will not change in any way at this time, that H is no longer seeing this lady because that hurts you, that you and H are working on your relationship, and are sorry he has people teasing him about this situation (already!). <BR>I know it is hard to imagine so many people knowing, but I would not want to lie to this boy, him probably defend his father to other people based on a lie, then how would he feel later when he finds it is really true? Betrayed! We can focus on the long-term health of our family relationships and set aside what others think. Trust and honesty are important qualities to share with our kids, esp before they hit the teen years, when they are tempted to hide so much from parents about their own problems!<P>Again, so sorry for this pain! {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<P>Jenny, in recovery 3 years, haven't told kids yet but will eventually

Marigo,<BR> Considering the situation i would suggest sitting all the kids down ASAP and tell themthe truth, chances are they are hearing all the rumors and are waiting for some sort of answers from you and their father. Maybe the ow is one of the people making sure that the gossipgets spread to asmany people as possible,our ow sure did that. I know it seems so hard but imagine your kids getting the halftruths when they are unprepared it would be soooomuch better to get the truth from you and hubby,it is VERY ovious you are NOT going to be able to keep this hidden for any amount of time. It sucks that some people just don't think about the words they say,sorry your family wasn't better.

Dear marigo,<BR>Whatever you do, do nothing until you calm down (not a little but)A LOT... You will regret doing anything in such an emotional state.<P>You have taken steps to protect your family from all this gossip and it got out of your control. Not to worry. It's not the last word.<P>You and your H have the last word with your stepson to reassure him of the solidity of your family unit. Don't let those kinds of people disturb your family unit.<P>I will be praying and asking God to give you the right spirit and right words to approach everyone involved. You can't stop people from saying and thinking what they will, but you can control the level of security in your own family with your own kids. Dial the rest out...

Dear Margio,<P>Just wanted to add my well wishes for you.<BR>I know how you feel and agree that YOU have the<BR>last word! As hard as it is, just let time soften<BR>this bitter pill. I made some mistakes after first<BR>finding out... said and did things I cringe at now.<BR>You are entitled to feel mad, of course. Your stepson<BR>needs reassurance also that it's going to be okay.<BR>You are in my thoughts, take care...fluke