Hey all. My W and I just got back from a cruise in the Caribbean. It was a nice get away. I have some more questions/concerns. I am at 4 months since d-day and I still find myself , almost obsessively, thinking about my W and the OM going at it. It was a one nighter and she is now pregnant. I find myself saying forget the marriage, she cheated on me and the mental movies just reinforce those bad feelings. But, I feel that she is remorseful, that she would never do it again and that we are communicating better and are making good plans for the arrival of this child and our future, but I still keep thinking of my W and the OM. I try to tell myself that it was one time, a big mistake, and that my W is sorry for what she did, but the mental movies are really hard for me to get over. I play it out in my head what it would be like to leave and it just doesn't feel right. I think about how I would feel without my W and end up feeling that I still would want her in my life. But once again, those mental movies cloud my positive thoughts. I always find myself thinking about the month my W had the A, I was gone on military training and was really proud of my accomplishments at this training, but I always end up ruining my positive thoughts with how my W was with the OM during this time. Even during the cruise I found myself thinking about it. Little things, big things, stupid things, all kinds of things just trigger the mental movies. Is this normal???

Hutch,<P>I think that the obsessive thoughts are pretty normal. I know that many (all?) of us have experienced them. Have you tried counseling? Believe it or not, counselors have lots of concrete suggestions about how to manage what is called "intrusive thoughts." As time goes by, they do dimish. <P>I feel lucky. I had lots and lots of obsessive thoughts about OW and OC, but I never really had mental images of them "going at it." I heard that, in general, the physical betrayl is harder for a man to accept and they often wonder if the other guy was better. Also in general, the emotional betrayl is harder for women. I think that both types of betrayl bother both men and women, just in general we tend to focus on different aspects of the affair.<P>My H had a 7-year A. It was emotional and physical affair (duh...7 years! it was damn near a second marriage!). But....as I sit here typing about this subject I am triggering thoughts of what they did. Gotta picture that old stop sign.<P>I have a post here on interrupting intrusive thoughts. I'll try to drag it up and put a link here.<P>Found it. Look toward the bottom of the post:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001808.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001808.html</A> <P>Mrs. Job<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited September 01, 2001).]

Hey Mrs. J...I never saw your answer to me. I never really brought anything "new" into the bedroom. We were 20 when we married and I guess I just learned w/H as time went on.<P>That's probably one of the reasons he had the A.....Fancy exciting sex.<P>Hutch as far as you're concerned ...the movies will become less and less as you concentrate on your W and marriage. I couldn't shut mine off and my counselor suggested writting a journal where I could say anything I wished to ow. That helped. A while back I deleted all of them as they were so "trashy" I couldn't believe what I said in them. :0<P>Prayer to help you rid your mind of thoughts works because your mind can't pay attentio to two thoughts at once. Praying will force satan to take his popcorn and movies and go HOME!!!!<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Mrs. Job,<BR>My W and I are in counseling and it is definetly helping. These mental movies or flashes of my W and OM feel like a habit/addiction that I am trying to quit. Every time I have a flash I get disappointed with myself and feel as if the air in my balloon gets deflated again and I have let myself down. I want to quit this "habit/addiction". I can't wait to move in JAN, because then this house, our old bedroom, etc. won't be associated with the A. We now sleep in a different room because I do not want to be in the "evil" room, crazy huh? Sometimes, little things like my W wedding ring, I'll think about how it was close to OM. I think I am a little wacked in the head. Thanks for the post. Gotta go, Bye.

Hutch,<P>You aren't wacked in the head; you are a betrayed spouse. They often feel like the same thing. <P>MJ

Hi Hutch, good to hear from you again.<P>Here is how I delt w/ that. I read on this board somewhere to visualize a huge stop sign as soon as the images start. Sort of have the stop sign come zooming in and blocking out the image. This, as silly as it sounds, worked. Now, when they start or I find myself thinking about the A, I just close my eyes tightly and literally shake my head. I just shake it out, I know, silly but effective for me. I try to think about anything positive going on in our recovery. <P>FYI: They do diminish in frequency and intensity as time goes on and your recovery improves.<P>Good Luck <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com