New to board, here's my story-- my dh and i have been married for 18 yrs. 2 children 13, 16. no major problems-- i can't remember a time my dh has stayed out all night nor has he stayed out excessively late. so all this is very shocking to me. i found out approx. 4 wks ago while cleaning my room (i have a chest with tons of clothes on it --LOL) finally decided to clean the mess up and found a receipt with his name on it. it was a delivery of twin beds to another address. there was a number on the receipt so i called the number and the OW answering machine picked up. called him at work and he told me he ordered the bed for one of his friends--i became so angry and slammed the phone down. when he arrived from work (which was late, he worked 3-11) the only thing he said to me is "do you want me to leave" i said yes and he did. the next day he came home in the afternoon and i told him we needed to talk about the receipt i found (dumb me, still did not want to believe what was right in my face). he told me he didn't want to talk about it -- after pleading and practically begging he told me he had an affair 3 years ago but it was over (never mentioned baby). Of course i had many questions--like if the affair was over why was the receipt dated for may. after two more days of constant questioning, me pleading he finally told me the OW had a baby and it was his and that's why he ordered the twin beds. I found out he was at the hospital (he first lied and say he wasn't)--I checked his calendar and on the date of the childs birth he wrote called out sick--had the babys name,birth weight etc. he also took off from work to take them home from the hospital--has been seeing them every two weeks or sooner (i don't really know) up until now. the child is almost 3 years old. my children don't know and i have no intentions on telling them. i told him if my children found out i would hurt the OW and the child and i mean this from the bottom of my heart. the story he told me was he started the affair in 98 she became pregnant 3 1/2 months later-- he stop seeing her for 4 months but became scared i would find out--so did whatever she wanted to keep her quiet (i believe this to be B.S.) I am so angry at the fact that he didn't use any protection--in this day in age with sooooo many diseases. makes me sick to mh stomach. Get this Vox, after i found out 2 days later i was having sex with him (am i stupid or what). we are in counseling, went to 1 session--go back tonight, will fill you in on that later.

Dear Lemonpie,<BR>You have come to the right place. We will all help you through this horrible time in your life. You are doing the right thing by going to counseling.<BR>Read all you can here on the Harley's principals. Be prepared for up's and down's as you counsel. Just know your H must not want ow because he so carefully hid all of this to protect you.<P>prayers to you.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear LemonPie,<P>I am glad that you have found this site, but sorry that you find yourself in this position.<P>I am about 11 months after discovery (Dday) of my H's 7 year affair. He ended it after she got pregnant. I too found out "on accident." He travels frequently on business and used to use his business trips to cover his affair and then after the birth of the child to visit the baby.<P>I have heard that it sometimes isn't very comforting when we "old timers" say this but I have to, because it is so true. It will get better. No matter what you decide to do--divorce or stay and work on the marriage--it will get easier. You will begin to find some peace of mind again--I think most people notice a real change in their stress level at about 6 months post Dday if things are improving in the marriage. I know that right now it is all consuming and it is the most painful thing you have ever gone through. I remember what it felt like--I was numb and in agony. It felt like I was being forced to breathe fire. <P>As time goes by, the pain will lessen and you will gain better control of your thoughts. If you weren't thinking about this every moment, I think that is then you would have to worry that there is something wrong with you. Most newcomers to the site are worried that they can't get it out of their minds--that seems pretty normal to me. <P>In the meantime, get some counseling, read the material here on this site by the Harley's (they practically give away for free on the web everything that is in all of their books), post here often.<P>As for the sex, you aren't so unusual. We had lots of sex starting 6 days after Dday. Here is a post that we had on it:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001246.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum35/HTML/001246.html</A> <P>I will be around for the next few days and then H and I are off to visit OC for 4 days in the state where she lives with her mother and all her relatives. Thank God that exOW is on a business trip this week and we don't have to see her.<P>I agree with Gem that it appears evident that your husband does not want to leave you. He has taken great care to make sure you didn't find out. I think that it also speaks well that the affair has been over for so long. I imagine that most of his grieving and fog are already finished. What you may see in him is a depression similar to the one that you are going through. He is being confronted, for the first time, with the pain that he has caused you. No matter how much he imagined this would hurt you when you found out, that what he is seeing now is beyond any pain he ever believed could exist. I know that after a year my H still has very strong feelings of hating himself for what he did and the pain he caused. He is having a harder time forgiving himself than I had. <P>Mrs. Job<p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited September 03, 2001).]

I am sorry you have to join our camp. Is your hubby willing to stop contact with oc after seing oc regularly for 3 years? Please get some professional helpyou are raw right now. I KNOW you would NEVER hurt the innocent oc, the ow fine hurt here but not the oc. Don't do anything right now but to take the time you need to process everything.<p>[This message has been edited by whatif? (edited September 03, 2001).]

in response to whether or not my dh wants to keep contact with the OWC -- Let me tell you about an e-mail, after i found out i change all the passwords on the computer--this is when i saw an e-mail she sent to him stating she was concerned about him because the statement he made to her sounded like he was going to kill himselp. she went on with the everything will work itself out and for him to remember God gave him life and God is the only one who should take it away. she knows how he feels and he should turn it over to God because that's what she did. she wanted him to know she was there for him even though she knows it is not a good time right now and remember his children need him-- i could have vomited. i asked him what was he saying to her and he said he doesn't know what she's talking about.<P>I believe they are still having contact because when i told him i didn't want him to see her or the child anymore-- he told me he hasn't had anything to do with her for 3 yrs--however he could not stop seeing the child--it this some SH...<P>in spite of all this, when the man is laying next to me, i get all tingling--i can just kill myself - I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW-- i was once so positive--so full of life--some days i just want to die. its like, i don't want to stay and i don't want to go.<BR>

Dear Lemonpie,<P>I am so very sorry to see the pain you are in. Right abotu now you probably feel like you are walking around in a living breathing nightmare, just praying that you will wake up to find out that that is just what it is. If you have to got thru such a thing as this and I must say it astounds me that number of us that are here, then this is the best place to be. You can vent, cry, scream, just let it all loose here. We all understand. We are all in different stages of recovery. Personally is has been about 2 and a half years since d-day. Oc will be 2 in October. We have no contact and I am grateful. There are those here who have contact and love oc dearly. This is not a one size fits all situation. We are real people with real emotions and this is more hurtful than anything else I personally experienced.<P>Please get counseling and if need be an anti-anxiety medication if it seems to be overwhelming. Youd be amazed how quickly doctors will hand it over when you tell the truth about why you need it...lol. I can laugh about it now. It is redundent but it WILL get better. Time and the Lord can heal. I believe though that he must cut all contact with ow. If you agree and he still wants to see oc then all communication can got thru you or a third party that you trust. Not everyone has had trouble, but for us all ow did was cause trouble and our M didnt start repairing until she was gone gone gone.<P>I also greatly reccomend that you read Harley's principles on this site and I love Survivng an Affair. For me it was a great helper in understanding that I would never understand "WHY?". PLease come and post and read as much as you need to.<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

Hey Lemonpie how are you? I hope you have found a counselor to talk to. Perhaps someone at church whether you go a lot or not.<P>Is H still seeing ow /oc? You need to have him stop for now if he wants a chance to recover w/you.<P>I "DID" my H from a few days after d-day on. It was tremendous as ow pressure was gone! I felt the old H right away. His mind had to catch up w/his spirit.<P>It's been almost 10 months and things have turned around a lot.<P>Married 27 yrs. No contact w/oc. Did at one point but can't take it. <P>I pray for you to seek peace.<P>Pray for God to show you the path to take and HE will.<P>Trust and believe in God now.<P>He answers all prayers in his own time. Keep the faith!!!<P>Read the Harleys principals.<P>Follow them. It'a a tough battle for mental santity.....anti-depressants help too.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....