My wife recently told me about a one-night stand she had a few months ago and as a result that she was pregnant. I am just now beginning to be able to process everything that she has told me. My DDay was 21 Aug 2001 but actual event was in June. My wife came out and told me herself without my suspecting a thing, which I have been told is a good thing. I believe she has been honest with me so far about everythig and she truly seems remorseful. She has said she has not had contact with OM since and that he doesn't know she is pregnant.<P>A little background. My W and I are overseas due to my job (not in military but work on the base). OM was in military and is being processed for drug use (a contributing factor in the A).<P>We have tried to have children in the past and W has always had miscarriages, but now after this one stupid mistake she is pregnant and doing well for at least about 8 weeks. I can't help but feel angry, inadequate, jealous, and about as low as anyone can. Not only am I hurt by the A and the pregnancy but the fact that our previous attempts have ended so awfully I am doubly hurt.<P>To make things worse, since we live overseas my wife is leaving to go back to the states for the better health care due to the previous miscarriages. She has expressed wanting to work things out but doesn't think it is possible due to her current situation. I have offered to raise the OC as my own but she has brought up the practical issues of the OMs involvement in the OCs life. She has not decided to tell the OM but I am afraid he will find out and make things even more complicated. <P>Essentially I'm in the very early stages of trying to process all of this and in real need of help from anyone. I have so many questions and feelings that I need to work through.<P>Thanks.

Milton_elvis,<P>Let me first say welcome to our little, but saddly growing, club/family. There are a few men here who are raising the OC as their own, my H included. He doesn't post often, and I am usually the one to be here on the board, posting. We are military, and also live far from family and friends. My A was purly stupidity on my part(with contributing factors that my H and I are aware of and working on) Our little Abbi was born in March, and xOM has no clue what so ever. He was also military and left long before I ever started showing. The way my H and I see it, he never does need to know, since my H is Abbi's Daddy in every other way! <P>Has your W left for the states yet? Is OM going to be kicked out for the drug use? Does he have family near where your W will be going when she gets back to the states? Will you be joining her at any time while she is there? <P>If OM doesn't know now, and your W won't be running in to him, he doesn't need to know. But, the other thing you will need to consider, is that if you do choose to raise the baby as your own, w/out OM ever knowing, and you do end up divorced you could end up paying childsupport for this child later down the road. I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic. We also had the same told to us 11 months ago, when we first came to this board. It is just something for you to consider. If you and your W are firm in your recommitment to eachother, than that shouldn't be a worry. I would also recommend not telling the OM anything about the pregnancy if your are willing to have this child as your own.<P>I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone.<P>Tigger

Tigger,<BR> Thanks for your reply. I have been reading these posts almost all day (Labor day holiday) and have come to realize some of the same things you posted. It's so difficult to deal with everything. It seems overwhelming. I was so concerned with what to do about the marriage, OC, OM, etc. that I didn't think of legal responsibilities until reading more on MB. I am now reading as much as I can about the laws regarding this situation. I am also planning on calling a lawyer to at least discuss some of this. Heck I'm not even sure what state law applies here. I was in the military when we were married and my home of record was Florida but our ceremony was in California. We then spent 3 years overseas before returning to Maryland where I separated and was hired by a company in Virginia and now work in a foreign country. So you see I'm not even sure about what state's law applies to me. Oh what a mess!!!! As if the emotional/moral issues weren't enough to deal with.<P>Anyway, as far as your other questions. My W is going back next week. I'm not sure if the other person is getting kicked out or not. As she has told me she has not had contact with him so she doesn't know. I'm also not sure about where he is from. These are more things we will need to discuss. <P>I would like to move back to be closer to her to be able to deal with things better. Of course that would mean new job, moving halfway around the world, finding new place to live, etc. All of which just add to the millions of things I already need to deal with. <P>We haven't really gotten far enough along in our discussions to know exactly what we each want to do in the future. Although I've offered to care for the child she hasn't made up her mind about what to do. And as others have said here along with Dr. Harley we need to come up with a solution that works for both of us. I'm hoping her time back in the US will allow her to figure out what works for her and then we can come to an agreement. I am planning on returning to the states in October for work related stuff but will be 1 hour from her. I am planning on visiting her and her family (since I still feel they are a part of mine). I'm sure we will be able to come up with something by then. <P>Until then I appreciate everyone's help and will continue to post as things develop.<P>Thanks<BR>

milton_elvis,<BR>Welcome. My W had a one night stand when I was gone on military training and now she is pregnant. My d-day was 4 months ago. We have decided to work through this and we have decided not to give the child for adoption. This is our first child and it is hard to believe that I will not be the "real" father, but I will be the only father this child knows. The OM initially thought it was his, but my W and I decided to tell him it was mine and to get him out of our lives for good. My W is very sorry and we are in counseling. We are both military but we have decided to get out. We will both be off active duty the first part of 2002.<BR>I am pretty new to this but you have come to the right place. I can tell you that if you and your W are going to work through this, then seek help in a way that works for you and your W(church, counseling, etc.). Be prepared for the rollercoaster ride of emotions, but remember those times when you are feeling good because those are the feelings that will help you through the down times. I am getting better but I do have times when I am ready to leave. I find myself saying "she cheated on me, why do I stay" and the mental movies of the OM and my W really suck. You'll have to find a way to get through the down times (running, working, etc) something to get your mind off of the subject. The past is gone, you can't change it but you can learn and grow. Just realize that there are ups and downs. There are some others guys here that post that are in the same boat as we are (K, humbleone, Josh and myself). There are more but I can't remember the names right now. If you have any questions keep posting. Use this sight for info, venting, learning and growing, whatever you want to. Hang in there and welcome to the club you never thought you would be part of.<P>hutch

Dear ME,<P>It is never a happy event to have to welcome someone new to this board. However, if you have to find yourself in this situation, I am glad that you have also found this board. Consider it a little corner of sanity.<P>I am here because of my H's A and child born of that affair. However, we have been hit by the whammy of my infertitility. I was born w/o a uterus and we always knew that we would adopt to complete our family. As if an affair doesn't leave you feeling inadequate enough, I know the feeling of wondering if your spouse did this to get a child that you couldn't provide. I know that for me the answer is no; infidelity was not part of the problem. He was in the A for 6 years before the conception of the child. If a child is what he wanted, I am sure that that would have happened long before 6 years. Still doesn't help that my "rival" in life could do so easily what I can never do. Produce a biological child.<P>Again, welcome to the site. Please post often and read all the material that the Harley's have posted on this web site.<P>MJ

<BR>milton,<P>I know this is going to sound very unmarriage-like. But my advice is to formally deny paternity by whatever means necessary, up to and including divorce.<P>The facts are this: You are subject to the notorious "assumed paternity" laws in your state. All 50 states have such laws, and what they mean is this. If you do nothing, you WILL be the default father of the child. That means two years from now, if your wife decides that she likes the OM better, she can nail you to the income shares cross and force you to cough up 25% or more of your net pay for the next 20 years. She can use that money for whatever she wants, including buying the OM a new pickup truck, crack cocaine, whatever. There is NO acountability for how "child support" money is spent.<P><BR>If you do not have any children with her already, it is really quite foolish to allow the "assumed paternity" laws to snare you. The courts don't care if you're being cuckolded: All they care about is getting some chump to pay the "child support." And don't kid yourself, you WON'T get custody of the child, and if your wife decides to interfere with visitation, the courts won't do much to stop her. You very well could find yourself, in just over two years, paying a huge portion of your net pay to raise someone else's child, with no access to the child!<P>So do what you have to do to formally deny paternity. Do NOT sit on your hands, because this only gives your wife license to nail you to the income shares cross later. If it comes down to it, unilaterally divorce her.<P>Bystander

milton,<P>I too am new to the just found out w is preg club. Just know your not alone.<P>knight

I have a couple of questions for M_E... Are you 100% certain that the OC is not yours? Are you going to take a paternity test once the child is born? If not, since you are in a situation where you are the "presumed father", if you and your W work it out and you stay together and raise the child as your own, are you ever going to tell the child that you may or are not the biological father? <BR>A little background about my situation, my H and I tried for 3 1/2 years to get pregnant. I had an A in July of 2000 and got pregnant. My S is 5 months old today. No DNA test done, but paternity could go either way since my H and OM have similar features and babies tend to have generic "baby" features when they are so young, so it's hard to tell for sure. My guess would be that it is OM's. My H does not know of the A and does not know that our S is possibly not his biologically.<BR>I'm sorry that you are in this situation and I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your family. As I have been told in the past, "it takes alot more than sperm to be a father."

Hey Guily,<BR> Yeah I'm 100% sure that it is not mine. And I think you really need to tell your H about the A so he doesn't think the OC is his. You are just kidding yourself and your H if you don't tell him. Even though I am going through this hell right now I am happier that my W told me what happened rather than not knowing at all.<P>It's extremely tough going through all of this. I had a couple of good days. Went to counseling for myself and realized some things about me and made progress, but then had some drinks, saw her and nearly killed myself driving home. I made it half way back home not realizing I didn't even have my headlights on and it was 9 pm. I was crying and driving and really shouldn't have been. I couldn't help myself. I went to our local bar and had some drinks to sooth my soul after a not so good conversation with her (she's leaving on Monday for the states for a while). But she ended up showing up later with friends and was acting like nothing even happened. I had a meltdown and bolted out as fast as I could. I survived the drive but broke my guitar that she bought me a long time ago. I guess this is one of my "bad days". I was doing so well too. I think that her leaving is sinking in and I'm not able to fool myself anymore. All the progress I made over the past few weeks is pretty much shot cause I feel like I'm right back where I started. Oh well, I guess this is why they call it the "roller coaster of emotions". A few up days then all the way to the freakin' bottom. I just hope I don't hurt myself one of these "bad" days.

I know I replied to Guilty01 already but I'm a little more "normal" at the moment and would like to add something to what I said before. <P>Basically I suggest that you tell your H about the A for a variety of reasons. First and foremost is the fact that it's really difficult to live a lie and that is no way to have a healthy marriage. You are obviously having problems dealing with this because you are visiting this forum and have a name like Guilty01. Second, your H has a right to know so he can choose for himself what he wants to do. Not only have you hurt him by cheating but taking away his right to choose how he wants to live is unfair. And the fact that you had unprotected sex with another man means that you and your H may have some health concerns. Although after one year I'm sure any symptoms would have appeared already but who knows. <P>So unless you are comfortable living with the knowledge you betrayed your H and can handle keeping it a secret (which it doesn't appear that you can) I would suggest you tell your H. Get some counseling for yourself to determine what led you to the A and help you to figure out how best to tell your H. After you tell him that's when the hard work will begin so I would suggest coming up with a plan of action before hand.

Milton, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I too know this trauma too well. My W had an A and ended up pregnant because of it. My W too confessed on her own, but at the time didn't know (for sure) she was pregnant, but she suspected. This may or may not have prompted her confession but, nonetheless, here we are. I made her take a test the day after d-day.<P>I've read on this board of men who raise this child as their own and all I can do is applaud! It takes one HELL of a human being to not only stay with WS and accept all they've done but to raise the child as a result of the horrible act goes over and beyond!<P>My W chose to end the pregnancy for the sake of our marriage which completly goes against everything she believes in. I didn't give her any conditions or force her to do it. In fact, I gave her an easy out. I told her if she wanted to, I'd divorce her uncontested and tell no one of the pregnancy and let her run off w/ OM (who is married and having fertility problems w/ his W). I offered this to her more than once and everytime she declined. She ended the pregnancy 5 days after d-day. I know that this decision was the hardest thing she has ever made and she still struggles w/ it to this today 6 months later. <P>Personally, I could not have raised another man's child or stayed in my W's life if she had it. Not that this is the right thing to do, but it was right for me. In some deep down selfish way (and I know I will burn in hell for this) I think this cross she has to bear is needed. She did the most horrible thing a person could to do someone else, especially someone they've made a life long commitment too. I never throw it in her face, EVER. I'm comforting, loving and cry when she cries. If I could, I'd take it all back just so she doesn't have to live another second of guilt, but I can't.<P>I love this woman very much, maybe too much. One good thing for me personally as a result of all this. Throughout our 10 yr marriage, I always thought of my W as 'perfect', one of a kind, one in a trillion, infalible. Living through this, it made me realize that she is human after all, falible and capable of repenting. This has made the road to our recovery more realistic and true.<P>Whatever you and your W decide to do, do it together. Be as supportive as you can, isn't that what love is about.<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Scarlet,<BR> Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm starting to get to a better place in my life now. It's only been three weeks since my DDay and I've been going to counseling and doing a lot of introspective searching. I am beginning to stop blaming myself so much for the whole thing and am also getting a grip on some of the things that have happened. My wife and I have had fertility problems throughout our marriage so I don't expect (and wouldn't want) her to terminate the pregnancy. I am beginning to realize that maybe some good will come out of all of this eventually. No matter what the outcome as long as we can learn something about ourselves. I think for the first time in my life I am truly looking at who I am and what has made me this way. Through counseling I know I will become a better person eventually. Although I can't really see the "light" at the end of this tunnel I know there will be an end and a positive result no matter what the outcome is of our marriage.

m-e, at least, if you agree to raise this child together with your wife, you never have to deal with OM. I know for a fact, on this board alone, there are many H's and W's that would be willing to raise the OC together as "theirs", if OW would be able to give OC that wonderful opportunity of adoption to the W. If there was never any "OW" interference, it would be a different story for all involved. Actually, does anyone know of an OW giving full custody of OC to MM, and his wife? I don't. <P>ember

Well, even more in the on going saga. I found out that my wife lied to me (big surprise) when she told me about the OM she had the affair with. She said that it was a one time thing, a mistake made while under the influence of drugs. But I'm not so sure now. She also said that the OM was no longer in the area due to being sent back to the states to be discharged from the military for drug use. I now have found out who he is, where he is, and that she has been with him until she left on 10 Sept. Of course I haven't been able to talk with her because she is stuck in Canada due to the tragedy in the US and the flights being diverted. I also found out that at least according to a friend she is planning on going with OM to his military ball in November. <P>I am so f***ing angry at all of this. It's not bad enough that she has totally turned my world upside down, stolen my idea of who I am, of how I thought my life was, of who I thought she was, but she is continuing to lie to me. I used to think I knew her well. That she was too kind to do anything so mean, hurtful and down right evil. She was the kind of person who would go out of her way to help people and always kind but she cold heartedly smashed my heart, my hopes, and my happiness into nothing. I just can't fathom the thought process that would cause her (or anyone) to want to intentionally hurt someone so bad. I just want to be able to understand what led her to this place in her life so at least something will make sense in my world right now. <P>How is it you can love someone so much but at the same time hate them almost as equally?

ME,<P>I read your other thread first, but have some advice to add to this part of your situation. I would say to cut your losses as soon as possible. I don't see that your W is sorry for what she has done, and is still doing at this time! She is out for her own gratification, and to he!! with how that effects you and your marriage! I know that when everything came out with me and my H, I was willing to leave, because of what I had done, but NOT to run to the OM! I didn't feel that I deserved my H's forgivness, and if not for the military's rule that the military member is to be taken from that situation, and taken to their command, I would have figured out some place to go until we could both calm down and talk about what we wanted to happen. Of course, this was all before I found out that I was pregnant.<P>Anyway, my H came home the same night, and even though we didn't talk that night, I felt better about what was happening. We had a lot going on that week, as H's parents were here for vacation, and we didn't get to completely deal with everything right away. But, within the week of D-day, my H had found this site, and ordered some of the books, which we started reading right away. It really helped us know how to talk to eachother, and deal with what was happening. <P>Then, we found out that I was pregnant. A whole new D-day! But, we had already decided to fight for our marriage, from both sides, as I was not the only one who was unfaithful.<P>There are two places your W could be at right now. She is either still in the fog of the affair, or she truly does not love you. Your situation is difficult, since you are staying where you are, and she has returned to the mainland. She has basically taken the choice from you as to if you wanted to try to work on things, with moving out before she left, and now is gone.<P>Again, you need to decide what would be best for you in the long run; get divorced, or stay and fight. If you choose the latter, you have a long haul infront of you, from what I have read of the other men whose W's were where your W is at now.<P>Sorry I could offer you roses and candy about your situation, but you need to make your decision soon, and set the wheels in motion about the DNA testing so you do not get, in the words of the great Bystander, "Nailed to the Income shares Cross"!<P>Tigger<p>[This message has been edited by tigger4jdt (edited September 12, 2001).]

Well it's another one of those days. Don't know what set me off but I was just watching TV and broke down crying. I'm usually more conscious of my thoughts and have been able to control myself a bit over the past few days, but today I couldn't help it. I think the problem is my W is still in Canada trying to get to Florida and I can't talk with her. <P>I am so pissed off now. <BR>I am angry that she did this and left me with this mess. <BR>I am angry that I have to visit these boards to deal with myself. <BR>I am angry that I can't stand who I am anymore. <BR>I am angry that she is going back to her friends and family while I'm stuck here alone to deal with this. <BR>I am angry that my life now consists of trying to make it through "one more day" just so I don't go completely nuts. I am angry that my entire day consists of trying not to think about my situation. <BR>I am angry that I have this anger. <BR>I am angry about being the way I am right now. <BR>I am angry that I feel this way because of what two people decided to do without regards to the consequences of their actions. <BR>I am angry that the OM and W will never know or feel the pain, anguish, and self-hatred that I have right now.<BR>I am angry that I don't even feel comfortable enough to sleep in my own house.<BR>I am angry that I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this.<BR>I am angry that at the time I'm just about to doze off I can swear I feel the brush of my Ws hand on my head or her arm around my waist and wake up thinking for a second this was all a bad dream.<BR>I am angry that it isn't.

M_E,<P>I understand your anger and your feelings of dejection. But, I think you need to back away for a moment. Several times you have mentioned that OM is being discharged because of drugs. You also mentioned that your W was doing drugs.<P>If indeed this is the case, there is something you are not factoring into this. It is not only is an affair an addiction, but compounding the mess is that it sounds as if your OM and perhaps your W are also addicted to drugs.<P>If this is the case, you don't have to worry about revenge, their life is about to become a living hell. Sadly, it is likely that the child she is carrying will be very adveresly affected as well.<P>Trust all of us in this one point, your W will live to regret the day that she did what she has done. I suspect that if drugs are involved, once/if she gets away from them she will regret deeply what she has done to you.<P>You clearly don't appreciate this, but rest assured your life is going to be much better than hers, especially if she hooks up with a drug addict. I doubt seriously that there is anything you could do to her that will hurt her as much as she is about to do to herself.<P>That woman needs help, but she won't get it until the fog clears. I also suspect that she does regret what she has done to you, but cannot face it. People who do drugs often avoid facing the consequences of what they have done, but do understand the depth of the pain they cause.<P>m_e, you may not appreciate this yet, in fact I know you don't, but of the two of you, you are the most fortunate. The reasons will become apparent to you with time. As for your marriage, I think I would suggest you listen to Bystander and K. It is possible that you can recreate or rebuild your marriage, but I do think you should start fresh.<P>Hang in there, things will become clearer and better with time.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<BR> I know I've mentioned drugs and the OM being kicked out of the military because of it, but I have also discovered that it may not be true. I think that is what really set me off. I have discovered some of the things my W inititally told aren't exactly truthful and I haven't been able to confront her just yet since she is not at home. I don't know what happened but this behavior is definitely out of the norm for her. Not just with me but everyone else she comes in contact with.<P>I was just basically blowing off steam since I couldn't go to my counseling appointment last week and I haven't been able to talk to her about what I discovered over the past few days. <P>Thanks for your kind words and support and I agree with you, JL, that she is truly sorry but just doesn't know how to show it at the moment. I am not giving up on her yet and I will hang in there until the end.<P>Also, I just want to add that even though I said I was "angry for coming to these boards to deal with myself" that in no way reflects on how much help everyone has been. I was just stating how angry I was that I am in this situation. I'm sure no one _wants_ to be here but your presence is a blessing to all who visit. Thank you.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by milton_elvis:<BR><B>How is it you can love someone so much but at the same time hate them almost as equally? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You don't hate her, you hate what she has done...<P>For encouragement, go read some success stories in the Notable Posts/Threads on the Just Found Out Board.<P>There is hope for your marriage as you seem to have a heck of a lot of love inside for your wife & baby. {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}

Thanks BINthereDUNthat. You actually put a smile on my face. I really do have alot of love for my W and even the OC. I just can't see past all of the anger I also have right now. But thanks for the support and kind words. Especially the hugs.