H and I have been working very hard at getting things on track in our marriage. We've begun counseling. We take turns talking and listening to each other. We've shared some very intense and heartfelt moments. He is truly trying to do every thing he knows how to do and I appreciate it all very much.<P>However, it does not lessen the pain much. Last night we were having a very thought provoking yet respectful conversation following the rules of our marriage counselor (and it has been working well). Then we reverted back to our old style of conversing. He gets so carried off in many other tangents when we talk. I told him a few things I have been feeling. He started sounding angry. We talked until almost 1:30 this morning (and we started at about 10:00).<P>I got up this morning, made him breakfast (a final hurrah to my last day of summer vacation) and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep I was overcome with anger.<P>Last night as we were talking he told me that he could not turn his back on OC after all he fathered her.<P>I am so angry he said this. It was ok when he turned his back on me to father that child. It was ok when he turned his back on our marriage to father that child. It was ok when he turned his back on our vows for better or worse to father that child. It was ok that he turned his back on our son (that he also fathered!) to father this child. It was ok that he turned his back on his family to father this child. I am angry that all of a sudden he has morals! Where were those strong moral convictions when he turned his back on his wife and child to have sex with OW to father this child!<P>I'm angry that he doesn't think I should be angry or express this anger. He feels like it's over and done with, deal with it. <P>I'm angry that the immoral and irresponsible action of two other people invade every thought and emotion that I have.<P>I'm angry that the once happy person I used to be has to cry all the time.<P>I'm angry that he and OW have stolen from my child a full time father.<P>I'm angry that I have to work so hard to support my son and our family so he can support all of his other illegitmate children.<P>I'm angry that he'll be paying child support until he's just about 63 years old. <P>I'm angry that my son will be almost 20 when his father stops making every other week visits with his OC. <P>I'm angry that he wants my son to have a relationship with OC.<P>I'm angry that when we make love I wonder if he has the same look on his face that he had when he was having sex with her. Did he touch her the same way? Did he tell her he loved her?<P>I'm angry that he chose an intellectually and socially limited woman to have sex with and then came home to me.<P>I'm angry that he doesn't see her limitations!<P>I'm angry that my life feels so sad.<P>I'm angry that I have to lie to friends and family when they say "how are you?" I want to say my hearts been ripped out of me and I'm in more pain than any person should ever have to go through. But I lie and say "fine".<P>I'm angry that I used to find so much happiness in my world and all I see now is sorrow.<P>I'm angry that our marriage got to a place where he thought that this was the only way to find comfort.<P>I'm angry that he didn't see my pain.<P>I'm angry that I've always had to be the strong one in my family and deal with all the mess that comes with families.<P>I'm angry that my husband stopped loving me.<P>I'm angry that his affair lasted for more than 2 years.<P>I'm angry thinking everything he did with me or said to me was a lie.<P>I'm angry that last year on our anniversary while he was holding my hand saying I love you his OC was five days away from being born and I knew nothing about it.<P>I'm angry that he chose to have sex with OW to create this OC when all of her other children have either died or been taken away by the state for abuse and neglect when his wife would have loved to have more than one child with him.<P>I'm angry that not once since we've been discussing this affair did he say in retrospect that he was glad when we were having a child.<P>I'm angry that he talks about how hurt he and OW were when their first child died and then they decided to get pregnant again...and again....and again (welcome OC!)<P>I'm angry that someone elses actions have put me in this HORRIBLE situation.<P>I am thankful if you'd read this far. Can you tell I'm having a bad day?

Why,<P>Whew!! That felt good didn't it. I write in my journal a lot when I'm feeling the way you feel now. And after I let go and vent I feel a lot better I hope you do. If I'm correct your D day was only 2 months ago. Your going to feel all these emotions for a while. I'm 11 day past D-Day and I want to scream somtimes. Actually I do if I'm feeling really overwhelmed I take a car ride and let all my frustrations out. (I try to play the music loud) Anyway when you need to vent remember if you do it here everyone will understand we've all been where your at.<P>Unsure

Why, <P>when i read your post all i could think of is, you are saying everything each and every one of us has felt at some time in our recovery.<P>Shoot, somedays even now, I feel many of those things. As I was reading it, I thought about the anger I still hold deep inside on many issues. But somehow now that things are brighter in my relationship the anger pales in comparison.<P>Keep venting, get it all off of your chest. better here than anywhere else.<P>I'm thinking about you.<P>Z.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Why,<BR>This is the first time that I respond to someone elses posting, to someone elses pain. I'm sorry that I have no advice to give you, as I am in the same boat as you and pretty new to this board. I sat here and read your posting with tears pouring out as if I were the one who had wrote it. I know after I post something that I somehow feel a little better. It is the only place where I can vent and know that there are people who are feeling the same as I and know what this really feels like. Hang in there.<BR>marigo<P>------------------<BR>marigo93<BR>BS-trying to forgive<BR>DDAY 8/12/01<BR>OW pregnant<BR>Do not want contact w/ OC

Why,<BR>I feel the same way. My W had a one night stand and got pregnant. We have no other children so I am so mad that our first child is not going to be truly mine. I am 4 months along since D-day and the past few months have been really tough. After reading your post I said to myself, "wow this person and I have very similiar angry emotions". Hang in there. Reading your post helped me vent a little. Thanks.

Thank you all for letting me vent and not being judgmental. I've had other people tell me that if I feel this way I should just divorce H.<P>I don't like this anger. I don't like feeling the way I do. Part of me thinks that in time some things I feel so strongly about now might change, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way NOW!<P>For all of you who are further down the road to recovery thank you for your understanding of where I am now. I hope someday to have a lot of this behind me.<P>I look forward to coming to this board and reading how everyone is doing. Sometimes I find a post where someone else has explained a feeling or situation that I haven't been able to put words to yet and I thank you for that.<P>Why

why, i am where you are now, your post brought tears to my eyes because everything you said expressed my feelings exactly. as for people telling you to get a divorced--well, sometimes people who haven't walked in your shoes don't really know how it feels. i haven't told anyone of my dh A except our counselor, when my counselor asked if i wanted to stay married i said at this point yes, because he is not a bad person, he just made a bad decision. this statement sometimes and i mean only sometimes help me get through the ugliness of his A. its has only been 6 wks since my dday and i know how angry you are because i am still angry. to show you how angry i really am read my "losing my mind" post. talk about crazy. i'll stop rambling on--in time i know we will get to the point where some of these other are.