Hutch,<BR>Sorry I did not get back to you sooner regarding your question about the images. I had a bad case of the flu-bug. The advice you received was true in the respect that over time the images that you perceive to be plaguing you will diminish. I can only assume that you are aware of what the OM looks like. Those images and questions that are consuming your thoughts are not uncommon in the least. In my case I did not know what the OM looked like, so I guess it is easier for myself not to picture graphic scenarios of my W and the OM “doing it”. When I look back, I am more hurt by the emotional connection she developed with the OM than the physical act itself. Nevertheless, I did go through an intense period of grief and despair over what I now refer to as the “Image factor”. Someone on these boards long ago had mentioned that in order to help alleviate the images, replace them with new ones of me and my W.. Easier said than done, but it helped for me. At the time, as my wife was developing from the pregnancy, I will not lie to you and tell you it was not difficult. From what you have said thus far, you are in a better position than most in the respect that your wife has stated that she is regretful and wants to be with you. I am not going to tell you that it was not difficult seeing my wife’s body change with every month of pregnancy. Dealing with her aches and pains, as well as her emotional swings during the pregnancy, not to mention the fact that as the babies grew inside her, I was constantly reminded of her infidelity. But I will repeat, that you have the opportunity to show her just how much SHE means to you. If you cannot vision yourself with out her, then make your choice and do not waiver. I also read that you were considering your options in case things did not work out. I live in GA, and the assumed paternity laws apply here. I will not tell you that I have not experienced exactly what you are dealing with, cause I have. Sleepless nights, overwhelming consuming thoughts, loss of weight, the whole nine yards my friend. One thing I realized early on from reading these boards is that I first had to correct the things in my marriage that created the atmosphere for my wife to look elsewhere for her unmet needs. I truly understand what you are going through. Raising a child is a huge responsibility, when I found out my W was having twins, OH BOY, I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. But it does get better with time. For myself the hardest thing was the DD and the next nine months of her pregnancy. When my W had the babies, and I held them in my arms for the first time, it was weird, like I knew everything would be alright from now on .The OB/GYN visits, the Ultrasounds, they were all difficult, but I survived, my marriage survived, and I now have two more beautiful children that run to me nightly screaming “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” and give me so much love. Another thing that helped me was that my wife was supportive during my emotional times and constantly reassured me that I was who she wanted to spend her life with. I hope this helped , and if you have specific questions feel free to ask.<BR>HumbleOne<BR>

Thanks HumbleOne. Today was a little rough. I saw the OMs name and it has triggered thoughts all day. Amazing something that little can have such an effect. We also went to a Dr. appointment ref: the baby. The baby is healthy which is good but we were hoping to find out boy or girl. I want a little girl, mostly because of my fears of the baby looking like the OM. Sometimes I wonder what I am getting into. I feel that my W and my time is over. When we first got married everything was great. But because we are both in the military both of us had to move to different states for our individual training. This kept us apart for 16 months, we would see each other one weekend a month. When we finally were back together things weren't the same as before. We were back together for about 7 months when I had to leave again for a month. When I was gone my W had the A and got pregnant. So now I feel that I am being pushed into something I had nothing to do with, the pregnancy, raising a child, etc. We weren't planning to have a child for another few years. But now I am getting ready to start a chapter of my life that I am not ready for, that I want to start between my W and myself. I had no say, nothing! My W is sorry and is remorseful and would change it if she could. Knowing this, why do I still find myself contemplating leaving? Did you think about leaving? I think it would be different if we already had children but we don't. I feel like crap!!

Hutch,<BR>I totally understand your apathy at this time. You are fairly early in this whole ordeal and I do understand what you are saying. As far as myself wanting to end the marriage after I found out, Yes it did cross my mind more than once, but so did allot of other things. My brain was on overload for a long time. When I met my wife I was 22, she 23. She already had a two year old daughter from a previous relationship ( never got married as the guy had some control issues she discovered after they were engaged), so in essence I was entering into what my dear ole pals referred to as a “carnation instant family”. I did not see it that way. I felt lucky to have found her. Soon thereafter, my wife had my son and a year after that, my daughter. So to answer your question whether I thought of leaving her and taking my two other kids at the time , yes I did! So in a small way even though my chances of keeping my biological children after were much greater based on legal advice I sought soon after DD, I realized early on that I really truly loved my wife with all my being. I also did not want to separate my children from their mother for as much as the adultery and subsequent pregnancy ripped the very fiber of my being, they (my wife and children) mattered the most in my life. I looked at it much as you are now. Try not to make decisions based on emotions. I was supposed to be 45 when my youngest turned 18! I wanted to be young enough to travel, hike, and seek adventure. I felt I did not sign up for this! It is not my fault! I did not cause this etc! You see, I said the same things that you are saying now. You are not alone here. I completely understand your frustration, and anguish. What is weird to me now, is that as I am writing you this, I realize that after all this time, I can hear the same things from you that went through my mind years ago and not be triggered about the past. The pain I felt then is just not there anymore, so in my case it did get better. I also sought out individual counseling for a couple of months after DD. The counseling was for me and me alone. What I soon found out was that through the counselor, her asking the appropriate questions, she led me to the answers I was seeking. I will also reiterate that this bulletin board literally saved my marriage, because of all of the experiences people so generously offered. Hutch, how far along is your wife? Can you give me some specifics on how she is communicating her remorse to you? Another thing that kept me from giving in to divorce after DD, was that I am not a quitter by nature, and I was bound and determined to keep my family together. Yeah, I am 35, and the twins are 2 and a half now, and they require allot, but I can look back now and honestly say I know I made the right decision. My wife and I have been through allot together over the years, but as a result of the extreme things that have happened in our lives, we are closer now than ever before. Also, try not to speculate about the baby looking like the OM if it is a boy. The child may look your wife for that matter. Another thing, I realized that even though I am not the Biological donor….I am the Father nonetheless. The babies are a part of my wife and I love her, so loving them was easy. If I can answer any of your concerns, please do not hesitate to ask. I felt it time to giveback a little to this community such that it is, for all of the help they have gave me the last three years.<BR>HumbleOne<BR>

HumbleOne,<BR>My W is 23 weeks and 4 days (we just had an appointment today). My W shows remorse and support by assuring me that she loves me, listens to me when I am down, understands my mood swings, is pretty good at telling me when she is down. She has told me that she would do anything to take it back, she told me the guilt she felt after the A was overwhelming and was certain I was going to leave her. She had a few weeks to herself after the A before I came home from my training. She said she cried herself to sleep because she knew she screwed up. She told me that before the A she was not happy with the relationship but did not tell me because she wasn't sure what was wrong. As we learn more about our feelings prior to the A we learn that our communication was not the greatest. I was really wrapped up in work and was not the greatest person to be around, according to her, but that is how she said she felt. She said when I left for my month training she was really lonely. She went home to see her parents on one weekend and also invited a friend of mine and his girlfriend over for dinner one night. She knew the OM from some training she was involved with and called him to go out one afternoon to do something. She told me she felt strong enough to do this. They went to the batting cage one day, had lunch another day and one night she invited him over to watch a movie and eat some leftovers. She said one thing led to another and it happened. It blows my mind that she put herself in that position. I mean with all the pictures, our bed, the pets, the wedding ring, my house, etc. she still did this to me. I had always told her that all "your guy friends from your military schools would have you in a second". She always said "I won't let them". But I know guys, and if they can get a girl alone then they will try their butts off to get some. The old saying in the military is "trust me with your life but not your money our your wife". I know she is remorseful but I am having trouble letting the past go and enjoy the present. There are times when I feel everything is going great but then there are times when I feel like leaving. But I too am not a quitter. I have never quit anything in my life. I have told my W that I am giving 100% to this marriage. I thought I was doing OK before the A but I guess not. I knew I wasn't perfect but I thought my W would accept me and stand by me when I wasn't the greatest to be around, for better and for worse, right?? I am having trouble accepting the good. The bad seem to overshadow everything. But there are times when I am feeling good. It just seems they are less often. I used to be ablt to say that I have been through worse. Not anymore.

Hutch,<BR>Hey bud sounds if you already have the necessary things to forge ahead and recover your marriage. I do not doubt that your wife is probably scared that you will still leave her during your down times. Concentrate on your feelings. I see that you are pretty much where I was at about this time, going to DR appointments and the like. I read your other question about the "Spark" being gone and do not worry to much about it now. There are a ton of emotions yet to come, but you sound like a level headed guy, who has a plan. Stay focused and you will be fine. Just think how I felt having to explain to my clode freinds that my W was Pregnants with twins, and they knowing I got snipped 8 years ago. i kind of diverted the subject then by saying amust have a third testicle. I am here off and on if you want to talk.<BR>HO