I have lurked here of and on for several months but this is my first posting. I wonder if anyone here can give me some advice since my circumstances are somewhat different than any I have read here. I can see that you are all warm and caring people with knowledge of relationships that most people never have to deal with.<P> My story is briefly as follows. I discovered, after Christmas last year, that my youngest (27-year-old) son is the result of a long-term affair that my W (of 37 years) carried on until the death of her MM 7 years ago. We are working very hard on our marriage and are making excellent progress with our relationship and feel that we will make the rest of our journey through this life together. Yes, I still have some unresolved issues myself but I feel that I can overcome them with time, help from my W, and counseling.<BR> <BR> Our problem is in our relationship with our sons. They were both present at the insistence of the hospital psychiatrist since I was possibly suicidal when I found out and he would not allow me to be alone for the confrontation with their mother. There was another short term A with another MM which, when exposed, brought out the whole truth of her past. Knowing what I know now, I probably would not have involved them at all, but under the circumstances at the time I felt I had no choice. We both love them very deeply and are committed to trying to re-establish some semblance of a family unit again although we know it will never be the same as it was before. The boys have maintained contact and shown love and support for me throughout this ordeal but they have excluded their mother even though I have assured them that we are going to remain together and we love each other. Both sons are married which adds some complications with in-laws. The oldest son refuses to talk about anything with her. He feels that he doesn’t want to be hurt again and we don’t know how to counter that argument. It seems to be a trust issue that he cannot face. The youngest son feels betrayed by her, but he has at least met with her to talk about it. Neither will agree to see a therapist even though we have agreed to pay for the sessions. <BR>I know time will help but I also know that I am not getting any younger and I want to enjoy as much of my life as I have left without this dark cloud hanging over me. <BR>Does anyone have any suggestions?<BR>

Dear ULA,<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I too was very suicidal after I learned of my H's affair and his child by that affair. I know the despair of being at the bottom of that black pit.<P>Right now you sound like you are doing pretty well with it. Is that true? If so, I am very very happy for you. I too am doing OK most of the time and most of the days now. Did you know of your wife's affair at the time of the birth of your son? Have you ever wondered if he were your biological child or if he was conceived of the affair? How did you find out about your son this Christmas?<P>Five years ago my parents told me the same thing. Rather than repeat my whole story again, I will put a link to an old conversation about it:<P>One difference is that my mother told my father of her affair and they together agreed to raise me. They reuinted before my birth. Any pain for my father was long over. I didn't have to see him suffer as your sons have seen you. My parents were remorseful for not having told me, but they also felt that considering who the other man was, and the life that he was leading, that they made the best choice for me. I agree with them. I did have a lot of anger and most of it was directed at my mother. What she did to help was that she apologized many times over (and I don't mean begged). She wrote me a letter telling me how truly sorry she was. She showed true remorse. <P>I grew up in a Christian home where forgiveness was the strongest principle taught and practiced. I had grown up seeing the freeing power of forgiveness.<P>I felt like I had lost everything about my father. I felt like he had died. That is no exaggeration. I imagine that your younger son is feeling very similar things. It took me about a year to fully remember the concept that family is based on love, shared times, shared values and memories, not biology. After all, Mr. Job and I are going to adopt and I fully expect our kids to love us as their parents and for us to love them as "our own." Knowing that we were going to adopt and that in parenting children biology didn't matter to us helped me to realize that biology didn't make my dad any different than he was. The man who raised me and loved me.<P>Could your wife write to your sons? Even if she has told them that she is sorry for having hurt you and lied to both of them a letter is a much more concrete way of saying it. It is also more respectful in such difficult circumstances. It allows the reader to choose when and where they will take in this information. They can read and reread it.<P>So I am glad that you found this little corner of the Internet. I hope that you will continue to post here. I would be happy to be of any help I can, as a betrayed spouse and as a child born of an affair.<P>Mrs. Job

Mrs. Job<BR> Yes I am doing very well, thank you.<BR> No I knew nothing about her affair with MM1 until I discovered that she was not on a four day "buisness" trip, but instead with MM2. I found this out through some GIF files and some e-mail messages, that had been unprotected, to MM2 explaining her past on aol. (I didn't have her password.)<BR> Yes, I did at times question his parentage but not seriously. I atributed his good looks to his mothers dominant genes.<BR> W did write long sincere letters to both of them apologizing for her behavior and expressing remorse and love for them. She got no response from either of them, but she did get a letter from the oldest son's wife showing some support and understanding on her part. Another thing we have to be grateful for is that we have been allowed to have the grandson on occasion which makes us extreemly happy.<BR> I've got to go now. <BR> Thanks for your response and I wish you continued healing. <P>Usedlongago <p>[This message has been edited by Usedlongago (edited September 06, 2001).]