I am rather new here but have only written a few times. D-day for me was Mar of '97. Actually my husband had a 3 year on again off again affair with this woman and in Oct of '97 a little girl was born. We do have contact although she has made it quite hard, we have the normal every other weekend, yada, yada. Well H is 20 years older than I and we have been married for 8 1/2 years now. He has another daughter who is 4 years older than I and another son that is my age. His daughter and I have never been close but I have tried to get along with her as much as possible to keep the peace. Anything and everything I would do would be cause for criticism from her. I was not the right woman for him and not the right person. And all that s***! Well when H and I went through our problems with psycho OW she was quite the critical one. She said well I dont know why you are bothered with that child (OC). Which is her sister. Why you even go through saying anything to other woman. Why would you stay with him, I would leave, is what she said. She dogged her dad out really, really bad. She was not a comfort but a critical person, the same when we got married, even before we got married. She always had something to say about our willingness to fight for OC or even to fight with OW. Very critical, if you could imagine. <P>Well now the tables have turned. Her husband of also 8 1/2 years with whom is 12 years older than her just told her he had an affair and the girl is pregnant!! Bombshell, so she calls and tells me indirectly that she is going through the same the I went through exactly. And I said no not a baby, she said exactly, and I started crying because it brought back horrible memories. But she says that she is so strong that she is handling it very well and doesnt need to talk. NO ONE HANDLES THIS WELL! NO ONE! Who is she kidding? I said well if I could over a shoulder, a ear, anything let me know, she says oh no I am just fine. But I was stupid crazy, any other adjective she could think of when it was me and her dad. She talked about me staying and fighting with OW and how crazy I was. I remember when she found out what was going on she was miss nosey, but I needed someone to talk to most of the time and now that the tables have turned she doesnt want to talk to me at all. YOU GIRLS ALL know that this is very painful and we need support from wherever and whomever we can get it. Well to tell you the truth, I am very sad for her even though she has never had anything nice to say about me, I dont wish this on anybody. <P>*Note: My H's family went to dinner one day and she came along, also OC was there do you know she treated OC like s***. She had the nerve to call me the next day and say that child is so mean and she doesnt go to anybody. Well honey, I said but who is the adult and she is only 3 years old you have to warm up to her and then she will be okay. She said yeah but she is still mean. I said well look at it how you want. How selfish! I am not that is why when she is ready I will try to help her through. <P>A lesson to all is to treat others the way you want to be treated and do not judge. We have but one judge and that is God. Becareful not to judge because you may just go through the same thing, or even worse. Thought I share this story because I feel she is going through denial which will only lengthen the hurt and pain. Dont I know. <P>Sonja<BR>

Sonja,<P>Your SD is in denial she'll break eventually we all do. She better thank god she has someone as compassionate as you, waiting and willing to talk to her when she does. Most people would throw everything back in her face. And your right you never judge a person who's shoes you haven't walked in. You never know what you would do in the same situation. Good Luck!<P>Unsure

Unsure is right Sonja......she will break. How could you not. But I bet shes feeling real stupid now about the comments she made to and about you. Im an softy so I would probably just be extra gentle with her since when she does break who else is she gonna turn to but you. If she feels you will ridicule she probably will not. I am not saying you would, but we always assume people would act the way we think they would. She ridiculed you and her father and she expects the same treatment. What does your H think or say about it?<P>It is so very sad. Maybe you could direct her here. OR maybe this is the chance to bond. Its sad that this would be what it would take, but it is always nice when something ...anything good comes out of these horrible situations.<P>Prayers to you and her...<BR>Love<BR>bw

Wow...<P>So now that you see your chief critic going through all this drama, I bet God will still choose you to be the one to help and guide her through it, regardless of her uneducated comments. I just bet. That's sort of how He works... Hopefully she will come out of it as well as you have--with the marriage still intact!!<P>Maybe she thought she was better than you because of the age difference and everything, but age has nothing to do with wisdom and life experience...<P>Even tho she criticized you, she will now need your wisdom and support and God just might call on you to give it freely. *sigh* Are you up for that challenge?? All I can say is wow... OH and you're right about treating others with consideration at all times no matter what kind of lemons they are juggling in life...<P>She needs you even tho her knee-jerk reaction is still showing that she obviously has not gotten over the shock. My prayers are with you & your family!!! Because of your strength, I'm sure your whole family will get through this crisis.

i think all of us at some point in time passed judgement on someone. i too watched a friend who had to face the pain of her H having an A. she found out only because the OW attacked her. At that time i was very judgemental. I too say why would you stay with him, yada, yada, yada. here it is 2 years later and i'm in a far worse position and my dh A produce a C. do i feel bad about what i said to my friend--NO--however i now understand why she's working on her marriage. Everyone can give advice--very few can take it. don't be so hard on your hd, its a human reaction to be judgemental.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lemonpie:<BR>don't be so hard on your hd, its a human reaction to be judgemental.[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lemonpie thanks for your response, however, I dont think I am being hard on her, because unlike her I will be there for her because I know how hard it is. i know that it is human nature to judge, but I said becareful to those of whom now are judgemental because you may endure the pain equally or worse than the person with whom you made the judgements against. My H's daughter has never been very kind to me (with other stuff not mentioned she has done) but b/c I love my H very much I try very hard to make things right or do things right. Again thanks for your opinion and I will certainly try not to be hard.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>Everyone can give advice--very few can take it. don't be so hard on your hd, its a human reaction to be judgemental.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would rather be supported than advised any day of the week and just because something is human nature doesn't make it right nor helpful.<P>I don't buy the human nature argument at all. There are many immediate and human reactions I have that I would like to be able to rise above. I want to be a better person than my nature would lead me to be because my basic nature is sinful. I think that Mr. Job's human nature led him into an affair when a younger and prettier woman come on strong to him. I wish he had resisted his human nature and done the moral and right thing.<P>Unicornlove you seem to be a very kind and generous person. I admire you for striving to have a good relationship with your H's daughter despite her animosity toward you. Many of us had no understanding of why a BS would try to save a marriage before we found ourselves in this situation. I always said I would kick him out immediately. My reaction has been just the opposite. I have moved heaven and earth to try and save our marriage and in the beginning I was the only one doing the work. Now it is a mutual effort and I feel rewarded.<P>MJ