I would welcome any tips from you other women on how to handle first visit with OW. Dday 5months. I have set up a meeting with her tomorrow morning. I do know this women as she is my H assistant at work and has been for 10 years (unfortunately still there) I have not spoken to her since learning of A. My counselor does feel that I do need to talk to her, but has asked me to put down on paper exactly what points I would like to get across to her. He said I can express that I am uncomfortable talking to her, but has told me to use the word "I" intead of "you". He doesnt want me to sound too confrontational. <BR>What do you think, should I avoid the topic of the past A and try and proceed with how we go on with the future and dealing with the 2oc? I am a very emotional person, and I don't want to come off as being a very weak person. I did want my H to be in on the visit, but H didn't like the idea, nor did the counselor, but he did suggest that H be there to "introduce" us and then hightail it out of here. <BR>My heart is pounding as I type, I have already postponed this meeting once. Give me strength. <P>Tina<p>[This message has been edited by Tina71 (edited September 11, 2001).]

Tina,<P>Remember you have the upper hand your H still wants you and wants to be with you. I haven't read your story but your H obviously wants you because he still with you. Why is OW still your H assistant? Does that bother you? Anyway, act alot of us had to fake our way through a situation. Write down all your questions and stay focused and do not let her side track you. Remember age is nothing but a number. Men go through their little crisis but where do they beg to stay? At home with their wives. I'll keep you in my prayers good luck! <P>Unsure<p>[This message has been edited by UNSure919400 (edited September 10, 2001).]

Unsure, thanks for the reply.<BR>Yes it bothers me that she is still his assistant. That is one of the issues I will be addressing tomorrow. I have my questions all written down, I can't imagine what my sheet of paper will look like after tomorrows meeting. <BR>Tina

I met OW face to face for a week-end 5.5 years ago. I flew to her state where she had lived the past 4 years. It was 6 months since d-day for me. I had found out my H had a 10 year A and two OC's. <P>I was a lady and so was she. We were the same age, size, eye color, hair color, and could have passed as sisters. I never could orginize a list. When we met, we talked for 2 full days. I, nor OW, cried the entire week-end. But I sure poured a bucket of tears flying back. It was the most heartbreaking, and enlightening week-end of my life.<P>Just be a lady. It was, at times, hard not to be accusatory. I don't think I was. I tried only to seek the truth. It's like trying to put a 10 year puzzle, of your life, together. I was trying to find the answer of why my H had done this horrible thing to me, to us. I should have had a written list, because there are still so many more questions that I am sorry I did not think of, at the time.<P>I am so thank-ful I found out. It's been over 5 years since d-day. It gave me my choices back. <P>Good-luck meeting OW. You can do it.<P>ember <P>

Be a lady. Disarm her with your grace and dignity. <P>I have met exOW on each of our 3 visits to OC. <P>Please don't concern yourself too much with her remorse or lack of it. It really doesn't make much difference if she is sorry for what she did. (It matters a lot if your H is sorry, but she is so indicental to you, so beside the point, don't let her get to you.) She and this A have taken so much from you already, worrying about what she thinks about her part in all of this is just giving her more time than she is worth.<P>I would be very careful about what you say about her job. Remember this is a society of law suits. It really is your H's responsibility to make sure that she is no longer his assistant and his responsibility to make sure that he doesn't get sued in getting rid of her. Be very careful that their working together (and he as her boss) doesn't come back to bite him in the *ss about some sort of sexual harrassment suit. Tread very carefully here.<P>Is she coming to your house for the meeting? If so, psychologically you hold the upper hand. It is almost always in your best interest to hold meetings on your own territory. Make sure your chair is taller than hers so you look down a little bit on her. If she is sitting you might want to occasionally stand up. Look up body language and posture on the net. You don't have to be confrontational to use small techniques to your advantage. I am not kidding all of these little things make a difference in who holds the power in this meeting (in all meetings). I am not an aggressive person and I met our exOW in her house. I didn't use any of these tactics and it still went very well. She and I both conducted ourselves with a great deal of dignity.<P>MJ

I agree with Mrs. J about the meeting in your house. That already gives you the upper hand because it is your territory. I am a crier when I am frustrated. If you do shed some tears, let her know it is out of anger and frustration, not weakness. Let her know (using I) that you and your H are rebuilding your marriage and things are better than ever...lie if you have to. I hope you get the answers and peace of mind you are looking for. If not, at least know that you got to say your peace. I will be praying for you.

Mrs. Job, <BR>Thank you for the tips. She had suggested meeting at her house, I promptly vetoed that one. You are right about worrying about her remorse, she has none, but my H is truely sorry for his part in this. Like I told my H last night, she has everything she wanted, 2 oc, child support, and gets to keep her job and see H 5 days a week. Now I just need to set the boundries, and show her how strong I can be. Your tips on body language are good also, as for the standing up once in awhile, I probably will be whirling around like the tazmanian devil, maybe I should arm myself with a duster and kill two birds with one stone.<BR>Tryin, like you I am a cryer. Hopefully tomorrow I can keep it in check. And like you said, I finally will have said my peace, and not fear running into her out in public. Thanks all for your support, you all are the best. I really am nervous. H said tonight is my night to relax and we can do something totally distracting. We are going to work on my sons scrapbook. <P>Tina<p>[This message has been edited by Tina71 (edited September 12, 2001).]

Tina,<P>One last thing look her in her eye. I've attened many managerial training sessions. And one of things you look for when interviewing someone is their abilty to look you in the eye.(It shows confidence) Even though my exOW is older than me she couldn't look me in the eye. I made her nervous and uneasy. Can't help but savor that moment. Good Luck again.<P><BR>Unsure

"One last thing look her in the eye"<BR>Thanks Unsure! Another great tip. <BR>Tina

Tina,<P>I have never met ow in person so I really dont have many tips for you there. Why is your H still at that job? Can he be transferred or look for a new one? That would really really really really disturb me.<P>Anyways I just wanted to wish you well and let you know I will be praying for you.<P>Love<BR>bw

Trust me. She is way more intimidated by you than you think (which is why she invited you to meet on her turf--at her place)... <P>But now that I think about it, do you really do want her in your home taking inventory????? What if you guys met on neutral ground, at a coffee shop or some place where you could order something simple? If you feel yourself getting emotional, you could just take a sip or a bite of dessert. You know, eat something sweet to keep the bitterness out of your mouth.<P>Handle your business, woman! You have so much more than she does... a loving husband who is devoted to you regardless of the affair. She is not a threat to you in any way shape or form. You've GOT TO believe this! Single (never been married) parenting is about as undignified as life gets! You have your dignity, you still have your marriage intact.<P>I think your H employs her out of incredible guilt. You are doing him a favor by not pushing the issue, but I think it will work out eventually. Let's keep praying for your H to see it how you see, because if it's important to you that he gets rid of her, it should be just as important to him.<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 11, 2001).]

Tina I have no words of wisdom....I wish you the best today and will keep you lifted in prayer.<P><BR>It sickens me ow works for H. You are blessed w/grace.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....