I went to go see some of my old friends this past weekend and we really partied hard, like old days. I was feeling really depressed, I think the worst I have felt since D-day. My W had a one nighter and is now pregnant. I needed to get away. I wanted to go to my friends and remind myself of the single days. I was struggling between leaving and staying, so I said to myself, "let's go remember the days when you were single". I look back on those days and think there were some good times but that lifestyle was too rough, alot of partying, definitely not a healthly lifestyle. So, this weekend I took my ring off and went to go party. Well, as you may suspect I put myself in a situation that was leading to a revenge A. I was so depressed and did not care about anything. I was pretty drunk and did not care. Luckily this OW had a prior commitment that she could not break, so she left before it went too far. She wanted to stay with me but she had to go, THANK GOD!! At the time I felt different, but the next morning I was thankful nothing really happened.<P>I came home and told my W everything. I told her when I was in this situation I was not thinking about doing this to get back at my W, but I was thinking that maybe this will make things better. Let me tell you, it doesn't make anything better. Even though I did not go all the way, I still could tell that it would not have made anything better if I had gone all the way. What it did do was got the thoughts of a revenge A out of my head. It made me realize that if a person finds themselves in this situation it can be really hard to say no. Luckily this OW had to leave, because in my condition I probably would have gone all the way. It also made me understand more about how my W had put herself in this same position but unfortunately niether her or the OM had prior commitments, so one thing lead to another. It also made me open my eyes and realize people make mistakes, the important thing about the mistakes is what you learn from them. I realize that my W and I are not completely recovered but I feel that things are going to get better.

I would say that if you took your ring off (a very symbolic thing to do especially if you almost always wear it) that you might very well have been thinking of an affair. <P>There is also a psychological principle at work here. I can't remember what our counselor called it. In a rage (right after Dday) I didn't go to bed all night. I was up chatting on the Internet--something I never do.<P>When H asked me why I hadn't been to bed that night I told him I was on the lesbian chat boards looking for his replacement. <P>Our marriage counselor said that I had been trying to explain for weeks how pained I was by the affair and his refusal to cut off contact with OW (the physical affair was over but they were still on the phone an hour or so a day so that he could be her emotional support). Counselor said that after you try and try and try to make someone understand the pain their behavior is causing or has caused and the other person denies the legitimacy of those feelings that you find another way to be heard. It is not revenge exactly but I can't really quite explain it.<P>Next time I saw her alone (counselor), she high-fived me. She had seen me struggling and struggling to explain the pain of my husband having a child by someone else when I am infertile but he wouldn't recognize it (it was still too soon after Dday for him to face the enormity of his transgressions). He was saying that the pregnancy/child really didn't matter very much since the pregnancy was an accident. Counselor says I (subconsciously) chose exactly the right thing to strike him back--I was looking for a lesbian lover--there was nothing that he could do nor any equipment that he had that could have satisfied me if that is what I wanted. (I am not lesbian, but I was strongly wondering for a couple of weeks if relationships with women were easier than relationships with men. For awhile I was just thinking that I am such a reasonable person and most women I know are more reasonable than most men I know so I just thought that maybe lesbian couples had fewer issues. Also, our marriage has always had problems about power and power struggles and I thought a lesbian relationship might be a more level playing field where my needs and feelings might be better understood.)<P>Weird huh? I never returned to chat boards and certainly not to lesbian chat boards (just not my cuppa tea).<P>Oh yuck; I have stirred up an awful lot of angry feelings.<P>MJ

Hutch,<P>I alomst did the same thing that you did. I went out drinking, I took my ring off on D-Day. I kept my diamond on (I earned it) Anyway, I almost hooked up with a guy but I caught myself. Thank God. This is before I decided to give H a second chance so I felt like I was single and free to do whatever I wanted. I realized I was drunk and in pain and that was no reason to have sex with someone. I knew I would feel cheap the next morning. We all make mistakes at least you were honest about it. H and I never talked about mine it didn't seem important when every thing came out.(the details re: the A) To be honset I forgot about it until I read your post. Good Luck.<P>MJ- I used to say I wish I had the stomach to do what it takes to be a lesbian. I was sick of men too. <P>Unsure

I was right with you on the wishing I was a lesbian thing, but you know women are bytches and I think it would be worse or no different. Plus there is that whole thing that comes with being a lesbian...and cant say I could ever do it.<P>Anyways, hutch, you have been blessed. You had an opportunity to do something horrible and God make sure it couldnt go through. But you also came to the realization that you do not want to do that. You satisfied that one thought of anger and revenge and you also see more of your wife's side. Not that there is any excuse, but you will be able to be more sympathetic. You put yourself in a precarious position and on purpose, so I hope you wont go there again. Count your many blessings when you say your prayers tonight, because God was looking out for you and your marriage.<BR>Love<BR>bw

Well, I don't believe in reincarnation but I have said that if I come back, I am coming back as a man or a lesbian but that there is no way on earth I am coming back as a hetro woman again.<P>MJ

Wow - this thread is a deja-vu for me.<P>First of all, I had an EA with my exbf after my h's a, but before and after d-day. I stopped myself at the critical points, but I am quite glad I went through that because I saw how easy it was to put yourself in a bad position and do something you would regret later. It gave me an understanding of his thinking and helped me deal with it much better, I think. Also, it gave me some artificial self-esteem - having someone else want me and tell me the things I needed to hear.<P>I also did the lesbian chat thing. But, I also was wanting to do a 3-some (not 2 guys though - eek) because my sexual self-esteem took a blow and I wanted to "cheat" but have hubby there or else do something with someone that could give me something different.<P>Kind of a drag what this crap does to you (understatement - lol).